


Not About Angels

by TheNorthRemembers



Category: League of Legends RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - After College/University, Alternate Universe - No Pro-Gaming, Angst, Depression, F/M, Feelings, Flashbacks, M/M, Post-Break Up, Read the notes please, School Reunion, Talking, some dark stuff is mentioned
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-23
Updated: 2016-06-29
Packaged: 2018-06-04 00:55:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 53,659
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6634537
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheNorthRemembers/pseuds/TheNorthRemembers
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Enrique and Lauri were a couple during the first years of University. Things happened. Mistakes were made. They broke up. 6 years later they meet again at their High School reunion. They talk about stuff and feelings and everything.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Okay so there are a couple of tags missing that i chose not to put there because I felt like it would spoil things. i will just say that there is some dark stuff mentioned because some darf stuff happened. IF you have a problem with that send me a message and ask me for the tags so you can decide whether or not you want to read it.

**_ 30th June, 21 years ago _ **

**_  
_ **

**__ **

_The asphalt was warm under Lauri’s dirty feet, the heat just on the verge of being too much. He liked it though, liked the way the air flickered just right over the road, the way the setting sun colored the world in black and orange. Summer had always been his favorite season and now that his and Enrique’s parents allowed them to go to the playground on their own he liked it even more. Trying to catch frogs in the shallow creek nearby, climbing the trees and the sword fights with sticks._

_It was the best thing ever and Lauri wished with all his heart that the summer wouldn’t end and Enrique wouldn’t have to leave him. While Enrique would go to school Lauri would have to stay behind and wait around another year until he could follow. Lauri really hoped Enrique wouldn’t forget him, wouldn’t replace him with a better best friend. All the kids always liked Enrique, he made new friends easily. Lauri not so much but he’d always been content just with Enrique, Enrique was enough._

_Lauri could feel Enrique’s breath on his neck and he tried to shift a bit to get a better hold on the other boy who he was carrying piggyback at the moment. Enrique had slipped in the creek and twisted his ankle so Lauri had offered to carry him back and Enrique had accepted with a bright smile and tears in his eyes from the pain._

_It made Lauri feel proud to help his older friend like that even though it made his legs shake a little bit with the weight and he wasn’t sure if he could make it all the way without a few breaks._

_He had to stop at the next corner, looking apologetically at his friend who just smiled reassuringly in return, like Lauri hadn’t let him down, like they weren’t going to miss curfew because Lauri wasn’t strong enough._

_“Enrique…” he said quietly watching an ant crawl over his stretched out fingers. “I don’t want you to go to school.”_

_“Why not?” Enrique looked at him with surprise “It’s gonna be so much fun! I’m gonna learn a bunch of new stuff and then I teach you and you’ll be super smart when you go.”_

_He looked at Lauri proudly, nodding with that utterly convinced expression on his face that he always put on when he and Lauri plotted something._

_“Because you’ll find a new friend.” Lauri mumbled, shrugging like it didn’t matter but his voice betrayed him. “And I don’t want that.”_

_Enrique frowned then smiled poking Lauri suddenly where he knew he was ticklish, causing him to squeak in surprise. “That’s stupid. You are my best friend.”_

_“Promise.” Lauri demanded “Promise we’ll always be friends.”_

_“Promise!” Enrique declared solemnly with a bright grin on his face and Lauri nodded satisfied for the moment. Enrique never broke promises, let alone promises made to Lauri._

_“You are my favorite.” Enrique said after a pause and this time it was Lauri’s turn to frown._

_He squinted, the setting sun shining directly into his eyes, blinding him._

_“Favorite what?” he asked and Enrique laughed like it was a stupid question._

_“Favorite person.” He explained “In the whole world.” Enrique stretched his arms out to emphasize almost hitting Lauri in the face in the process._

_Lauri looked at him confusedly. Sometimes Enrique didn’t make much sense. You could have a favorite color or a favorite flavor of ice cream, but not a favorite person, right?_

_But Enrique seemed so sure._

_“What’s that supposed to mean?” he asked and Enrique rolled his eyes at him like he was being stupid. Lauri didn’t like that._

_“It means I like you the best. Out of everyone. In the entire world. And we’ll be friends forever.”_

_“Foreverever?” Lauri asked daring a small smile and Enrique nodded enthusiastically._

_“Forever ever ever ever.”_

_***_

 

 

 

 

** Now **

 

****

It is raining. Has been for the past two and a half hours. The sound of the rain hitting the windows of the rental car has replaced the music from the radio filling the world with white noise.

 

 

It's like silence, but it isn’t empty. Lauri has always liked the rain, now he isn’t so sure. It gives him an excuse to stay in the car, stay hidden, not go out there, cross that parking ground and enter the building that was his old high school.

 

 

 The steady unrelenting drops of summer rain falling from the cloud covered sky onto the asphalt make the light grey seem almost black in the hazy twilight. Lauri remembers sitting here with Paul, smoking his first cigarette, coughing his lungs out. It feels like at least three lifetimes ago.

 

 

The sound of thunder makes Lauri look up but he can’t see the lightning. He probably reacted too late and missed it.

 

 

There are some rays of sunlight though, far in the distance, filtering through the clouds where they are less dense, less heavy, promising something more, something better.

 

 

 

Lauri sighs, drumming his hands onto the steering wheel, wondering for the millionth time in the last two hours whether or not he should just start up the damn car, turn around and drive away. Leave this godforsaken town behind again and just keep driving, just keep driving. There was no reason for him to be here, no rational, explainable reason Lauri has told himself every second since he has stepped out of the plane two days ago. He could just leave. He should, probably. It's not like anyone would appreciate him here anyway, most probably won’t even recognize him and a part of Lauri is grateful for that.

 

 

He’s not here for them anyway, he’s not here for his old classmates, they don’t matter, they never did. He isn’t here sitting in a rented car in the parking lot of his old high school contemplating whether or not to join all those people he barely knew _then_ , so sure as hell he doesn’t know them _now,_ for this class reunion. He’d rather be anywhere else. Except there is a chance, a tiny chance, that _he_ might be here.  Lauri isn’t sure if that’s a pro or a con.

 

 

 _And that’s exactly the reason why I should start the fucking car and just get out of here._ Lauri takes in a deep breath and runs a hand through his messy blonde hair. He never quite figured out what to do with it, but a look in the rearview mirror doesn’t make him cringe so he guesses it could be worse. The shadows under his eyes aren’t too deep, not too obvious and he actually managed to get some sun in the past weeks, so he doesn’t look as sickly pale as usual. Yes. Could be worse. That will have to be enough.

 

 

There are shadows passing by, people walking past his car, walking into the building like it’s nothing, like it’s easy. Lauri guesses that for them it is and he can’t help but envy them for it a little. He can hear faint voices, laughter, even music coming from indoors. It feels somehow surreal, imagining himself being like that, just going in there, joining them with a smile plastered onto his face and bunch of made up stories up his sleeve about what he’s been up to since graduation, pretending he didn’t feel like throwing up the whole way here or that his chest didn’t feel so tight it was hard to breathe and his heart didn’t pound like he’d just run a hundred miles.

 

 

Lauri wishes he was a better actor, it would have made a lot of things so much easier if he’d just been able to pretend, to lie. Maybe if he had been able to convince others he could have eventually believed it himself, that things were alright.

 

 

They were not. But that doesn’t matter now. Not anymore. Those things were in the past. This was now. Lauri knows that, repeats it like a mantra in his mind but his mind keeps going back, raising dust and showing flashes, images, of days long gone.

 

 

They leave a bittersweet taste in his mouth.

 

 

 

***

 

 

 

** 19th December, 10 years ago **

**  
**

****

_“When did you get here? I’ve been looking for you!“ Enrique asked with a bright smile on his face. He was wearing one of those ugly Christmas sweaters, bright red, with a glittery snowflake plastered in the middle. Lauri decided that he hated that sweater the moment he walked through the door into this godforsaken Christmas party. No one, absolutely no one was allowed to look that good in something this ugly. There should be a way to prosecute this._

_“Just…ah you know a couple of minutes ago.” Lauri lied taking another sip from his eggnog, looking anywhere but Enrique. He’d been here for more than half an hour doing everything within his admittedly very narrow skillset to avoid Enrique at all costs. It was really quite ridiculous if he thought about it, since Enrique was the sole reason he had accepted the invitation to this stupid party. Seriously, they were fucking first year Uni students. Who the fuck did Christmas parties? Wasn’t that something boring middle aged people did?_

_But Lauri was here standing in the kitchen of Enrique’s friend Eefje, petting her cat Marmalade and drinking eggnog whose alcohol percentage was decidedly too low.._

_“Cool.” Enrique said while taking a seat on the kitchen counter (something Lauri was sure Eefje would not approve of) continuing to smile at Lauri._

_Lauri rolled his eyes but couldn’t help but smile back._

_“So you’d rather chill in the kitchen enjoying her company,” Enrique nodded towards the cat “than mine?” he pretended to be offended but the soft laugh escaping his lips ruined this less than stellar performance._

_Lauri tried to mirror it but his laugh felt forced and hollow. “Ah you know me. I’m a real ladies man.” He tried to joke and Enrique thankfully laughed, like it had been a good joke._

_“So cool that you came.” Enrique said in an attempt to string up a conversation. “Since you said you didn’t want to, something about too sophisticated, if I remember correctly?” he grinned._

_Lauri chuckled. “Well, you do remember correctly. And I still think this is too-“ he made a vague hand gesture letting the sentence hang in the air unfinished._

_“Then why did you come?” Enrique teased, reaching for Lauri’s eggnog and taking a sip. “What’s the reason for you to willingly endure this horrible torture you despise so much?”_

_Lauri let out an undefined humming noise, wishing he’d be anywhere but here right now. The thing was, this conversation right now was what he came here for. This was what he had thought about the whole way here, trying to find the right words, the right way to say it. Considering he’d been thinking about doing this for almost a month now it was really quite lamentable that all he came up was precisely nothing at all._

There is no time like now. _Lauri reminded himself ignoring Enrique’s questioning look as he decided to just go for it._ Do what you came here for and then just get the hell out.

 

 

_***_

 

 

** Now **

 

 

Lauri takes a deep breath and exhales slowly. The estimated distance between him and the entrance door to his old high school are 30 meters, maybe less. It’s still raining, but telling himself it is a rational decision to wait for it to stop until going in to avoid getting soaked just isn’t working anymore. His hands wrap around the car handle and for a second he tells himself that it really is that easy. Just open the car door, get out, walk in. Easy.

 

 

Except that it’s not so it takes Lauri another ten minutes until he unlocks the door and opens it while contemplating turning around and making a run for it.

 

 

He can’t turn back though. He knows that. He came here for a reason. He likes to pretend that it’s closure, that it’s a completely logical thing to do and that it’s not messed up or pathetic, even though he knows it is. He hasn’t seen Enrique in six years and a the dark twisted voice in his head tells him that it should stay that way, that Enrique has no interest in seeing Lauri again, that whatever there once was between them is long gone, nothing more than a fading memory, nothing of importance.

 

 

Lauri wonders, as he hurries through the rain keeping his head down ignoring the drops of water running down his neck down the back of his shirt, if Enrique maybe thought about it to, from time to time. About them. If Enrique, wondered if Lauri might show up too, when he got the invitation to the class reunion.

 

 

The answer is no. Probably. Causing Lauri to feel a little like some kind of intruder, like an uninvited guest as he pushes open the entrance door, entering the building.

 

 

***

 

 

** 19th December, 10 years ago **

**  
**

_“I…” Lauri began, stretching the word probably far more than necessary, feeling his face turning bright red already. “Well…you know how we…sometimes…you know…” He gestured between them._

_“Have sex?” Enrique provided, tilting his head._

_“Yes. Have sex. Thank you.” Lauri mumbled before blurting out: “I think we should stop.”_

_“Wh-“_

_“No no no!” Lauri quickly cut Enrique off who looked something between hurt and confused. “That’s not how I meant it. I mean that I… okay fuck it.” he threw his hands up in frustration. “I don’t want us to just have casual sex. I want us to…be a thing.”_

_“A thing?” Enrique lifted an eyebrow, the beginning of an amused smile tugging at the corner of his mouth. It pissed Lauri off._

_“Yes a thing, asshole. As in boyfriend-boyfriend-thing.” He snatched the eggnog glass from Enrique’s hand quickly ignoring the annoyingly bright grin on the Other’s face._

_“Well…” he gave Enrique a pointed look after several minutes without an actual reply accept for Enrique grinning like an idiot “I know your brain works at the speed of tectonic plate movement but I’d really appreciate your answer now so I can-“ he vaguely pointed in the general direction of the door. “…make my getaway as quickly as possible.”_

_Enrique laughed and Lauri tried to put on a serious face, crossing his arms, waiting for Enrique’s laughter to subside._

_“You really hate Christmas parties that much?” Enrique asked quirking an eyebrow at Lauri._

_“They are the fucking worst.” Lauri replied with a smirk._

***

 

 

** Now **

****

The school is still exactly the same. There are still the same old ugly tiles on the floor, the same shabby yellow paint covering the walls. It even smells the same and for a split second Lauri feels like a teenager again, walking through these doors with wide eyes and a fast beating heart in his chest.  But while the school might not have changed, seemingly frozen in time, Lauri has. The Lauri, who walked through this halls with a scowl on his face and a pack of cigarettes in his pockets, head full of wild ideas and an alone-against-the-world-mind-set does not exist anymore. He’s gone and Lauri barely remembers him. But maybe the school does. Maybe there is still his name carved into the underside of his desk in English class. Maybe there is still the dark spot on the floor of the chemistry lab where Lauri spilled god knows what because he was too busy mocking the teacher to pay attention to the experiment.

 

 

Lauri is almost tempted to go check but instead he stops in front of one of the glass cases that appears to be showcasing past accomplishments of the school at the side of the entry hall, letting his eyes wander over what’s inside. There is a faded picture far in the back, a cut out from a newspaper article. It shows the school swim team, grinning proudly into the camera, medals dangling from their necks and arms draped around each other. Exhausted but happy.

 

 

Lauri doesn’t remember their names, it’s been too long. Too much time has passed. Their faces no longer seemed familiar. All but one. He would recognize that face anywhere.

 

 

Enrique looks so young in the photograph, barely 17 years old but as handsome as ever with his sparkling eyes and trademark smile. It almost makes Lauri smile. Almost. Because he did not know this Enrique.

 

 

 _“Forever ever ever ever.”_ Enrique had promised all those years ago but Lauri had to realize that forever does not mean always. Maybe forever doesn’t exist or maybe they just didn’t try hard enough. If he was someone who believed in shit like fate or destiny he’d say ‘It wasn’t meant to be’. But Lauri doesn’t believe that even though in a way it would make things easier. He could blame it on some cryptic alignment of galaxies or whatever. But he only has himself to blame.

 

 

The stars don’t care and the universe doesn’t have some cosmic game plan in store for you. If you fuck up, it’s on you. There is no one else to blame.

 

 

The thought is comforting and terrifying at the same time.

 

 

Lauri believes in what he knows and he knows that the Enrique in this picture is a stranger just like the Enrique who is probably right behind those doors down the hallway, making polite small talk with old friends and charming everyone’s pants off with a single smile.

 

 

“Strangers, Lovers, strangers.” Lauri remembers reading something like that somewhere once, that that’s how it goes, that most relationships are doomed like this from the start. He thinks at least for them it turned out to be true except they did a few more circles. Starting as best friends, becoming strangers in High School, finding each other again in Uni, being friends and lovers, and then eventually fucking it up only to return to being strangers once again.

 

 

It doesn’t make sense though, to feel this anxious about meeting a stranger, so Lauri isn’t sure if that is really the right word to describe what they are now to each other or rather what Enrique is to him. Whatever Enrique thinks of Lauri now, if he thinks of him at all…, Lauri can only speculate but ever true to his optimism, he expects the worst.

 

 

There should be a word for it, Lauri decides as he watches a tall man with a woman in a red dress on his arm walk past him without sparing Lauri a glance. There should be a word for someone you used to know but don’t anymore. Someone who changed, the person you used to know ceasing to exist anywhere but in your memory.

 

 

And maybe that’s what they are now. Yes strangers, but strangers with shared memories, different versions, different layers, different colors nonetheless.

 

 

The thought alone makes Lauri feel a little anxious (but really, what doesn’t these days)because memories are deceptive. Looking back things always seem different than how they were, and memories fade, people forget, people stop caring.

 

 

Just the possibility of Enrique forgetting him, not caring anymore... Lauri can’t stand it.

 

 

***

 

 

** 15/16th July, 6 years ago **

**  
**

****

_Enrique [20.43]: Where are you?_

_Enrique [22.46]: Where are you??_

_Enrique [23.09]: Come home. Let’s talk about it._

_Enrique [23.37]: Call me back_

_Enrique [00.08]: God damnit. Call me._

_Enrique [01.22]: I’m worried. Call or text. Idc. Just something._

_Enrique [01.30]: I’m still mad._

_Enrique [03.53]: I’m sorry. I love you. Please come home._

_Enrique [03.55]: Lauri?_

 

 

_***_

 

 

** Now **

****

 

“Lauri.” He says, ignoring the slight itch he feels at the way she is squinting at him trying to remember, trying to figure out who he is, her eyes glancing over him, searching for something to jog her memory probably.

 

 

 Her name tag, pinned to a classy dark blue sweater, says “Susie” and to Lauri’s own surprise he actually recognizes her, but then again it’s not really impressive to recall the name of the head of the school magazine. She always had a kind smile and Lauri didn’t actively dislike her, which could be considered a pretty big compliment since he didn’t really like many people back then.  She used to write witty and smart articles that actually made Lauri consider paying for this stupid paper now and then. He never did.

 

 

Her lips form a surprised “Oh” as her eyes light up and she offers an apologetic smile as she scans the table in front of her for his nametag.

 

 

“It’s nice to see you here.” Susie says in an attempt to make small talk. She smiles and hands him the name tag and adds “We didn’t think you were coming.”

 

 

Lauri is half inclined to snap at her, to call her out on this false politeness and pretending like this. Half a moment ago she didn’t even know who he was and now she claims to have actually spent some thought on him, on the grumpy kid Lauri she never spoke two words to, wondering whether or not he’d show up. It’s a lame attempt on kindness but a part of him appreciates it so he decides to try it with a smile, pinning the nametag to his chest.

 

 

“Ah you know,” he says shrugging, amazed on how upbeat he manages to sound, “I was in the area and thought I’d drop by.”

 

 

She frowns at that, tugging a strand of silky black hair behind her ear, “I heard you had moved to Finland. To your grandparents' or something?”

 

 

Lauri opens his mouth, not sure how to answer, not sure whether or not to say anything at all or just ask, who she heard that from, but Susie’s eyes glance over his shoulder and he realizes there are already people waiting behind them, waiting for their turn to receive their respective nametags and make meaningless small talk.

 

 

He decides then that in fact it’s High School reunions that are the fucking worst, not Christmas parties.

 

 

So Lauri doesn’t say anything. Instead he just nods and walks past her through the wide open doors of his old High School’s gym, now cramped with  far too many chairs and round tables, decorated with balloons and streams in black and orange. There is even a makeshift bar built into one corner of the gym and on instinct Lauri’s feet carry him in that direction.

 

 

The room is packed with people, hugging and talking half yelling over the godawful music, some with drinks in hand, some without. Lauri has halfway pushed through the crowd when he realizes that he has literally no idea where to go, there are no name cards on the tables and people are just sitting down where it pleases them, small groups of old friends or rather old acquaintance, forming left and right. He doesn’t belong anywhere. There are so many people here and he doesn’t belong. Coming here suddenly feels like the worst of all the questionable decisions Lauri made in his life so far.

 

 

He stops in his tracks, the room is too crowded, and it’s getting difficult to breathe. There is a sea of people surrounding him and he doesn’t know where to turn. He doesn’t know these people. It feels a little like drowning and Lauri can’t breathe, his chest feels so constricted and he can hear his own heart beating over the music.

 

 

 _I shouldn’t be here_ , is all Lauri can think fumbling for the top button of his shirt, maybe opening it will make his throat feel a little less tight.

 

 

_What are you doing here, what are you doing here, what are you doing here._

_***_

 

 

** 29th May, 6 years ago **

**  
**

****

_„What are you doing here? “ a very agitated looking Enrique hissed after ripping the door Lauri had just been about to unlock, open from the inside. Lauri just stared at him in surprise for several moments before trying to push past Enrique, scowling at him._

_Enrique didn’t let him._

_“What the fuck, Enrique? I live here too.” he snapped glaring at the other boy who seemed severely uncomfortable, the expression on his face something between apologetic and embarrassed._

_“Yes I know.” Enrique nervously laughed, still not moving out of the way, blocking the doorway to their apartment. “I mean what are you doing here_ now _? Jesper texted me saying he wanted to ask you to go to the bar with him and Seungbin after class and I assumed-”_

_Lauri exhaled slowly, trying not to snap at Enrique again. They’d barely gotten over their last argument he really didn’t want to start another one again today. All he had wanted was to come home to Enrique, maybe watch the other boy cook for them and maybe, maybe the mood would have been right and they could have spent the night differently from sleeping with their backs to each other and with far too much space between them. He’d refused Jesper’s offer and came home directly after class, even running to catch the bus, even though it always made his lungs burn and legs hurt._

_And now Enrique was acting so weird all of sudden like Lauri did something wrong. Like he somehow fucked up, just when this was the first day in forever that he felt almost like a person again. He’d gotten up early enough to have sufficient time for a shower before class. He’d actually gone to class. Hadn’t ditched or skipped. He’d gone there. He had made an effort._

_Now Lauri just felt fucking tired._

_“Shouldn’t you be happy?” he asked, his voice sharper than intended “Thought you hate it when I drink during the day.”_

_He didn’t need Enrique to agree, Lauri’s excessive drinking had been topic of countless of fights so Lauri knew what Enrique thought about it, which made it even more confusing that Enrique seemed so unhappy with Lauri not taking up an invitation to spend the afternoon and evening in a bar especially since they hadn’t seen each other all day._

_He was about to point exactly that out to Enrique when Lauri’s blood suddenly ran cold._

_“Enrique?” a female voice called from inside._

_Enrique’s face turned white staring at Lauri with wide eyes. Lauri’s gaze flickered from Enrique to the door and back to him, his mind completely empty for a second. His throat felt dry and he didn’t think he could speak, even if he wanted to. Instead Enrique spoke._

_“I am sorry, Lauri!” he whispered quickly voice shaking just a little. It wasn’t much but it was enough to make Lauri’s skin crawl. Enrique let go off the doorknob to reach for Lauri who shied away from the touch instinctively. “I am so sorry. So sorry! I didn’t plan this I swear to god Lauri-“_

 

_***_

 

 

** Now **

 

 

 _This was a bad idea_. He knows that, it has been running in loops in his mind all day but right now it’s as loud as a scream, making Lauri want to press his hands to his ears even though it would make him look like a complete nut job.

 

 

 _Which I technically_ _am_ , he thinks bitterly, eyes darting from the door to the bar and back. It isn’t too late to turn around and run. Not yet. No one had even noticed he was here yet, except Susie. He could pretend to have forgotten something in the car and then just not come back. The pattering rain outside suddenly feeling like the far more comfortable option.

 

 

 _Running away from my problems_. _Again._

The thought alone left the bitter taste of shame in his mouth, but really what did he expect? Once a coward always a coward, right?

 

 

His train of thoughts is interrupted by the sudden appearance of a hand on Lauri’s shoulder, making him jump.  When he turns around he finds himself face to face with someone familiar. Someone in this mass of strangers he recognizes. Lauri has never been very close with Bora but seeing him now feels like reaching a lifeboat in the middle of the ocean.

 

 

Lauri can’t help but smile as they briefly hug as a greeting. Bora has changed. He has lost a lot of weight since high school. It suits him, Lauri thinks. Bora looks more confident than he used to, more at ease with himself, like he has grown into his own skin.  He doesn’t dare to wonder what Bora might think of him, if he notices the changes, if he cares.

 

 

“It is really you.” Bora greets him and for a moment Lauri thinks he might go in for a hug but ends up offering Lauri a handshake. It feels a little awkward but maybe that is just Lauri’s imagination because Bora’s smile is calm and his expression doesn’t let anything on so Lauri takes his hand shaking it.

 

 

“Seems like it.” Lauri replies. “Who else would I be, right?”

 

 

He’s thankful for Bora’s quiet laugh, for the way he pats his shoulder, like they are old friends. They are technically, but Lauri has learned not to trust his own mind, maybe he made it up, maybe his memories are playing tricks on him, maybe he interpreted things wrong. He’s pretty sure he didn’t but you never know.  Sometimes he just can’t stop himself from second guessing everything. It’s a bad habit he never quite managed to quit.

 

 

“Come with me.” Bora says after a  short pause. “Me and the others have a table over there.”

 

 

A part of Lauri wants to ask who exactly _the others_ is supposed to include, who exactly Bora is talking about, even though he is pretty sure he already knows at least some of the answer. The other part is still contemplating if and how to make the quickest escape to save him from this train wreck Lauri full well knows he is going to cause.

 

 

But Bora doesn’t know any of that. He doesn’t know about the things that happened after they all parted ways after graduation. For Bora, Lauri is still the same kid who used to doodle in the latin dictionary they shared from grade 7 to 9, the kid who always forgot his lunch money, the kid who did his hardest to ignore the fact that a guy named Enrique Cedeño Martínez even existed.

 

 

As he follows Bora, who seemed to easily navigate his way through the crowd, Lauri tries to recall if that kid had been happy.

 

 

He can’t.

 

 

It’s weird how his thoughts keep going in circles, back to the past, back to who they all used to be.  In a way it seems to defeat the purpose of this kind of reunions, Lauri thinks. They are supposed to make you meet all the old friends, talk about the future’s you lived, your life now, but Lauri‘s mind is stuck in the past, like it’s unfinished business.

 

 

Was he happy? Yes. Maybe. Probably. What does it matter? He should remember though, shouldn’t he?

 

 

Strangely enough, Lauri finds it comforting in a way, that this version of Lauri that doesn’t exist anymore is still there somehow. Every time Lauri glances at Bora he sees it, flashes of the person Bora used to be, a Bora that does not exist anymore either.

 

 

Bora stops suddenly and Lauri almost runs into him, lost in thought.

 

 

“Why don’t you go ahead?” Bora suggests pointing towards the nearest table “I have to make detour to the bar. I was getting drinks for the others when I spotted you. Do you want anything?”

 

 

Lauri just shakes his head glancing into the direction Bora had pointed. He doesn’t dare to really look too afraid to accidently catch someone’s eye before he is ready. He’s never going to be but that’s not important now.

 

 

Bora waves him off before turning around disappearing into the mass of people, leaving Lauri to his own devices.

 

 

There was a ring on Bora’s finger Lauri noticed as the other walked off. He isn’t sure whether or not he’s supposed to ask about it when Bora comes back, make some kind of comment, congratulate? Bora being married, it never quite crossed his mind if he’s being honest. Not specifically because it’s Bora but just people his age in general.

 

 

It’s a weird feeling, realizing that people are living their lives, have been for the past decade. Time didn’t stop for them, for anyone, Lauri knows that, he’s not stupid but it seems to him that its velocity differs from person to person. People get jobs, people get married, people settle, people start their own families, those things happen, they _are_ happening and Lauri feels like an outsider, just standing there watching all those things occur while he himself only seems to exists in a vacuum.

 

 

For a moment he feels reminded of his teenage self again, watching stupid TV-shows, thinking this is how life is supposed to go. That this is the game plan.

 

 

_Fall in love, kiss, marry, have children, be happy._

Now he’s older and he knows that this may be true for some but not for everyone. It isn’t for him. He’s never been an overly optimistic person, not even as a kid but he still feels the urge to apologize to the old Lauri, the teenager, the child. He’s not completely sure for what exactly, maybe just in general, maybe for the person he became. Maybe for not doing better, for making this mess of a life that doesn’t fit the plot of any TV-Show, doesn’t follow that ideal game plan.

 

 

Because sometimes, somehow, things go terribly wrong. And the picture perfect plan does not work out. In fact it just shatters until you barely remember it was once there.

 

 

Time moves differently for everyone, sometimes it runs through Lauri’s fingers like water, sometimes it’s drying concrete around his legs.

 

 

Right now it’s pulling him under.

 

 

Lauri hates how long it takes him to take one step, even longer for the second. He wipes his sweaty palms on his pants at least twice before finally approaching the table Bora had pointed him to, mentally bracing himself.

 

 

There are four people sitting at the table, two with their backs to Lauri, two facing him.  One of them lets out a sudden short laugh and Lauri’s heart skips a beat. It still sounds the same, so full of joy so honest, it makes Lauri shudder. He freezes and so does time.

 

 

Lauri would know that laugh anywhere, anytime and there had been a time when he was convinced the only way he’d ever get to hear it again was in his memories. But now he’s here, Enrique is here, just a few feet away and even though seeing him again is the whole and only reason Lauri decided to attend this reunion, it feels like it sucks the air right out of his lungs.

 

 

 It happens in slow motion.

 

 

 Enrique turning his head, still a bright grin on his face, his eyes landing on Lauri, briefly widening and then slowly but surely his smile falling.

 

 

In the blink of an eye a hundred different emotions rush over Enrique’s face, there is surprise, shock, anger and something else entirely that is gone to quickly for Lauri to recognize.  Then it just goes blank.

 

 

 

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For this chapter goes the same as for the first. So please read the top notes for that one.  
> In this chapter the story continues and some things are explained, some things aren't. Bear with me <3  
> I promise eventually things will make sense.

 

**_ 29th May, 6 years ago _ **

_Lauri shoved Enrique to the side, pushing the door open with such force that it banged against the wall but he didn’t care. Ignoring Enrique rambling on behind him, he stormed into the living room where he let his bag drop to the ground with a loud thump as he abruptly stopped._

 

 

_There was a woman sitting on their couch. The noise of Lauri entering the room made her turn around. The smile on her face that was quickly replaced by confusion that mirrored the expression on Lauri’s face._

 

 

_The woman in front of him was easily in her late forties if not early fifties. She had brown, shoulder long hair and light eyes that were fixed on Lauri. She seemed familiar._

 

 

_This was not what Lauri had expected when he had barged into the room. The anger, the hurt, that had been boiling in his veins seconds ago was suddenly frozen as he slowly turned his head to Enrique who now awkwardly stood next to Lauri, offering a small smile, looking something between unsure and determined._

 

 

_“Enrique?” the woman repeated slowly standing up, her eyes still on Lauri like a hawk. Intense. Focused.  Lauri had to fight the urge to look down, to avoid her gaze. This was wrong. He shouldn’t feel like this, not in his own home, not with Enrique next to him. Enrique however seemed oblivious to the unease Lauri felt. He just scratched his head and shot Lauri an apologetic look before making a step forward._

 

 

_“Mom!” he said quickly “Mom, this is Lauri, remember him? We were friends when we were kids.” Enrique unnecessarily pointed at Lauri like there was any other person present he could possibly mean. Lauri would have rolled his eyes if he wasn’t too shocked with the sudden turn of events that played out in front of him._

 

 

_“Lauri, this is my mom.” Enrique said facing Lauri now. “Who showed up! Just now! Totally unannounced!” he laughed awkwardly while Lauri just stared._

 

 

_Oh._

 

 

_Enrique mouthed a silent sorry only for Lauri to see but Lauri wasn’t sure how to react._

 

 

_So this was the reason why Enrique had acted so weird earlier, apologizing, not wanting to let Lauri inside. His mother was here. Enrique loved his mother but they hadn’t been on the best terms since Enrique had left for University over three years ago. But now she was here suddenly, showing up out of the blue like it was scripted. Lauri could still hear Enrique’s words echo in his mind, spoken over a month ago at Maurice’s birthday party. How he finally wanted to tell his mom, how he couldn’t’ stand lying to her any longer. Lauri knew Enrique didn’t like to lie. Even though he is good at it if he wants to._

 

 

_Lying to his mom over the phone was one thing. Lying to her face to face was something else entirely. And Lauri hated himself for asking that of Enrique. What he hated even more though, is that he couldn’t imagine Enrique lying to her now, when she was here in front of him, in their apartment, in their living room, sitting on their couch with Enrique’s  frog-shaped mug of tea in front of her._

 

 

_It filled Lauri with a numb kind of dread, the kind that made your heart beat feel heavy and your chest tight but where everything else got blurry, like a fogged up mirror after showering._

 

 

_He still felt kind of numb as he took the hand the woman who was apparently Enrique’s mother offered him in greeting._

 

 

_His mumbled “Nice to meet you Mrs Martinez” was left ignored. Maybe she had not heard him. Maybe Lauri hadn’t said it out loud._

 

 

_“Is this your roommate, Enrique?” she asked smiling at her son while Lauri tried not to feel out of place, taking of his jacket just to proceed to awkwardly hold it in hand. He was unsure if the introduction was over or not, if he could move to put his stuff away or how this whole scene was supposed to play out in general._

 

 

_Enrique was his usual spectacularly unhelpful self._

 

 

_Mrs. Martinez was looking at her son, mildly interested, like one looked after asking a question they already knew the answer to or didn’t care too much about anyway, like small talk, something of no importance._

 

 

_And that what it was, the question. Unimportant, insignificant. It had a simple answer. Yes. Them being roommates, it wasn’t even a lie. It was simply the phrasing they had agreed upon a long time ago, when neither of them had been ready to tell people about them. Roommates. It was easy and quick, not as loaded and complicated as boyfriends. It was all anyone needed to know.  It was enough. It had to be enough._

 

 

Please let it be enough _._

 

 

_Well it wasn’t_ _. Because Enrique shook his head._

 

 

_“…No.” he said and the air got stuck in Lauri’s lung as he slowly turned towards Enrique, who seemed both, embarrassed but also determined. It scared the shit out of Lauri._

 

 

_“He is not my roommate, mom.” Enrique mercilessly continued. “I mean yes, he does live here but-“ he ungainly draped his arm over Lauri’s shoulders. If Lauri wasn’t frozen in shock he would have pushed him away. “He is not my roommate, mom. I am sorry I lied to you mom, but Lauri is my boyfriend. We are together.”_

 

 

 _The words felt like a punch in the face and Lauri almost flinches, his face feeling hot with embarrassment, his heart twisting, the pain of betrayal making it ache. For a moment that was all Lauri could feel._ How can you do this to me _, a voice inside of him wanted to cry,_ how can you do this to me after I asked you not to, after I told you I didn’t want this.

 

 

_He didn’t notice when Enrique removed his arms from his shoulders when he walked over to his mother and took her hands in his, smiling at her like he just told her the greatest news in his life._

 

 

 _There was a second voice inside his head, quieter, softer._ Like it matters what you want. _It was_ her voice.

 

 

_“Mom, I know this is a shock, me being with a man, having a boyfriend but…” Enrique said. “…we have been together for three years. This is not just some fling or something, I promise.” He smiled proudly, while Lauri had to fight the urge to turn around and run._

 

 

_“You are gay?”  Mrs. Martinez asked slowly and Lauri couldn’t tell what either meant, the tone of her voice or the look on her face as she was gazing at her son. Lauri was just standing there, his quivering fists pressed to his sides unable to move or look away. It felt a little like watching a car crash happen in slow motion. He wanted to press his eyes shut, put his hands on his ears and turn away, to not see or hear it but the bang didn’t happen._

 

 

_Enrique was still smiling at his mother, shrugging slightly “I am bi but-“ he shook his head “That isn’t important, mom. I’m in love.” He looked over at Lauri then, his smile was probably meant to be reassuring but Lauri barely registered it because Enrique’s mom was looking at him too, from behind her son, her stare was cold and her eyes narrowed at Lauri. It only lasted for s split second until Enrique turned back around to her, breaking the spell. She smiled at him warmly, cupping his cheek with her hand._

 

 

** Now **

 

It’s one of the oldest movie clichés of all time, the moment the recently introduced protagonist enters a room and their eyes suddenly meet their apparent love interest’s eyes and for a second the world stops so the audience knows, this is it, this person is important, watch them. The moment only lasts a second and then it’s over but it’s enough to know what’s up. One way or another it’s gonna happen, you just know it, it’s the beginning of something. Something good, something worth watching.

 

 

However, the cold harsh reality is different. Sure, their eyes meet and yes, the world stops and yes Lauri’s heart beats to his throat and yes, yes this person is important. And yes this is it. But it’s also not. Because it’s not like it is in the movies, it’s not the moment soft romantic music subtly plays in the background and you can already see the promise of a happy ending lurking behind a few minor obstacles along the way. This is not a first meeting, not a love at first sight moment.

 

 

This is not a beginning.

 

 

This is not the first page of the script to our love story, Lauri thinks and for a moment he doesn’t even feel bitter, just hollow.  It’s the epilogue of something that could have been a love story, that once was, but now there is nothing left but ripped pages or smudged writing on the mirror.

 

 

For a moment Lauri can almost imagine it, how it could have been, how this moment could be exactly that, a beginning. It could have been, in a world were Lauri and Enrique didn’t’ end up at the same University, where they didn’t rekindle their old friendship from before college, where they lived their lives without even thinking twice about each other. Maybe in that world, this would be the moment of “love at first sight” a promise of something more, something better, the moment the audience holds its breath because it knows this moment sets the ball rolling.

 

 

Lauri really hopes the Lauri in that world does not fuck it up like he did. He hopes that that the other Enrique has a smile on his lips, matching the sparkling eyes Lauri remembers. Lauri really hopes they make it.

 

 

In this world hope never got him far and now is not an exception. Lauri does not know what he expected exactly, he had imagined a hundred different ways of how this moment could play out but in the end he didn’t even get close.

 

 

Never before Lauri has seen Enrique look at him like that. Until now he couldn’t even imagine how it would be to feel Enrique’s unmoving gaze on him, silent, devoid of any emotion. It’s not exactly how you would look at a stranger, it’s too tense for that but there isn’t any warmth either. It’s just blank. It doesn’t really match the Enrique Lauri used to know. He has to remind himself then, that he does not know this Enrique, that he gave that privilege up the moment he walked out that door six years ago.

 

 

It still hurts though, it’s a twinge deep inside his Lauri’s chest but he couldn’t look away even if he wanted to. Their eyes stayed locked. The thing is, Enrique doesn’t look away either.

 

 

“Eeeeeeeey!”

 

 

The world starts turning again.

 

 

Lauri’s head snaps around and his eyes land on an excited face that he recognizes as his old High School and Uni friend Paul, grinning at him with burning excitement, already half way out of his chair.

 

 

“Bro! it’s been ages! How ‘ve you been?”

 

 

The bone crushing hug Paul envelops him in prevents Lauri from having to answer which he is more or less thankful for, awkwardly petting Paul on the back, while his eyes are still fixed on Enrique. Enrique has not moved an inch, his hand is loosely wrapped around an empty glass. He’s looking at Paul now, not Lauri, and there is a fine line between his eyebrows, like he’s mulling something over in his head. At least that is what it used to mean once upon a time.

 

 

He is not used to this Enrique with those guarded eyes, that clean shaven face, doesn’t know his little quirks and mannerisms, doesn’t’ know how to read him. The way Enrique twists the corner of his mouth when he finally looks away is entirely unfamiliar to Lauri.

 

 

“Let him sit down, Paul for god’s sake.”

 

 

Paul releases him from the hug then, still smiling from ear to ear. The person who has spoken was leaning back on their chair nodding at Lauri in greeting with a welcoming smile.

 

 

“Carlos.” Lauri says, relieved that he was able to put a name to the face as he slides into the chair that was offered to him. Across from Enrique.

 

 

“Good to see you.” Carlos says and the other person at the table, Jerome nods too.

 

 

An awkward smile in return is all Lauri has to offer. It _is_ good to see them, even though he wasn’t particularly close to Jerome or Carlos. But saying it, would feel too much like a lie. He isn’t here to see them. “I guess so.” Lauri says with a shrug and a half smile and thankfully it’s enough for them. He doesn’t need to turn his head to feel Enrique’s eyes on him.

 

 

They sit in silence for a moment and Lauri shifts uneasily, feeling a little out of place, like someone that barged in on a conversation about him. It’s like being among friends without being friends with either of them.

 

 

Someone clears their throat and on instinct Lauri’s eyes dart to Enrique. Sure enough, it has been him and he is still looking at Lauri but before Enrique can say anything or Lauri feels obligated to take it upon him to start a conversation Jerome jumps in.

 

 

“We’ve just been talking about how it is SO crazy that Bora’s wife is pregnant!” he says it while pulling an exaggerated face, like it’s the worst thing he can possibly imagine. “C’mon Lauri back me up here.” He throws an arm around Lauri’s shoulders. “Having kids at our age is just nuts, right?”

 

 

Lauri is saved from answering by Paul who just rolls his eyes at Jerome “Man it may be nuts to you but not everyone is content with being an eternal bachelor like you Jerome. Right, Enrique?”

 

 

Enrique’s eyes flicker back to Lauri for a second before he looks at Jerome with raised eyebrows.

 

 

Now it’s Lauri who cannot, will not look away. His eyes are fixed on Enrique and within a split second a hundred different scenarios run through his head, Enrique married, Enrique with kids, Enrique the brightly smiling husband in those picture perfect commercial families.

 

 

Lauri knew it was a possibility and it’s not like it would change anything whether or not Enrique had somebody in his life. It didn’t matter at all. Except that it did, except that Lauri finds his heart beating faster and faster the longer Enrique remains silent.

 

 

Jerome is also looking at Enrique expectantly even though it was an entirely different type of anticipation written on his face. What Lauri feels is dread. This is meant to be a friendly conversation, just a little banter, catching up among old friends but for Lauri it’s the moment of truth.

 

 

Enrique laughs and it’s so sudden, that Lauri almost flinches.

 

 

“Don’t look at me man.” Enrique says to Jerome “You know I got a girlfriend.”

 

 

He is smirking and for the fraction of a second he seems to look at Lauri but it’s gone so quickly Lauri thinks he must have imagined it because Enrique isn’t looking at him, his eyes are on Jerome who pretends to pout at Enrique.

 

 

“Yeah” Jerome caves in eventually, throwing his hands up “BUT you my friend aren’t planning on knocking her up and marrying her, are you?” he makes a face like he just pulled a check mate on Enrique and Lauri prays to a god he doesn’t believe in that Enrique will just say yes, will just agree with Jerome so they can move on from this topic. He knows he should be fine with it, should be happy for Enrique having someone he can have a future with a future the Enrique he knew always wanted.

 

 

Lauri remembers the weeks before their third anniversary when he had thought about it night and day, the possibility of a future with Enrique. A real picture book perfect future. He had even secretly saved up some money for a ring like some love sick idiot in a stupid movie standing in front of a jewelry store, too scared to walk in.

 

 

He had never asked though, doesn’t even know where the ring is now. He hasn’t taken it with him when he left, maybe Enrique had found it weeks, months later, maybe he had thrown it away.

 

 

But maybe doesn’t matter once the story ends.

 

 

Enrique shrugs again like this conversation topic does not bother him at all. It probably doesn’t.

 

 

“We’ve been only together for three months so I think it’s a bit early for that.” He tilts his head slightly letting his glance casually wander over to Lauri. It’s almost like he can see Lauri’s fingers clawed into his own leg under the table. “But give it some time, maybe…”

 

 

Paul laughs patting Enrique on the back while Jerome groans “Oh c’mon!”

 

 

Lauri is quiet. Enrique’s lips curl into a smirk

 

 

The bitter part of Lauri think it’s Enrique’s way of showing “I’m winning” and hates him for it, for the smugness for the cruelty, for the assumption that it would bother Lauri. But maybe Lauri is just imagining it. Maybe he’s reading into things again, maybe this is really just a guy telling his old friends that he’s got a girl he can imagine having a future with. Nothing more nothing less.

 

 

But there is the pathetic part of him too, clawing its way to the surface,  hoping that  it’s true that Enrique’s smile is really for him, really the other man’s way of proving he was eventually the winner of their breakup. Because that would mean that somehow in some twisted kind of way Enrique still cares what Lauri thinks.  And if that’s all he’s going to get Lauri will take it.

 

 

Maybe Enrique knows that.

 

 

 

***

 

 

**_ 3rd February, 6 years ago _ **

**__ **

_“Lauri?“ Enrique said quietly, almost low enough for Lauri to pretend he didn’t hear it as he picked at his blueberry muffin without any of it actually making it inside his mouth. He wasn’t feeling hungry. Or maybe he did but he wasn’t sure if he’d be able to keep it down anyway so there was no point in trying._

 

 

_The coffee shop wasn’t busy enough to claim he didn’t hear Enrique through the noise, so Lauri eventually sighed and looked up as Enrique nudged his shin with his foot. Enrique had his half empty cup of caramel coffee in front of him even though it must have gone cold already and Lauri knew how much Enrique disliked cold coffee._

 

 

_He had a guarded look in his eyes and if they hadn’t been in the coffee shop for almost half an hour Lauri would have been able to blame the blush on Enrique’s cheek on the cold February air outside but as it was it made him kinda nervous, maybe even uncomfortable._

 

 

_“…what?” Lauri muttered averting his gaze again, his tone sounding more annoyed than he’d intended but Enrique continued anyway._

 

 

_“It’s been 19 days.” He said after taking in a deep breath, looking at Lauri._

 

 

_The words made Lauri felt like being dropped into the arctic sea, like there was suddenly nothing but icy water around him, inside his lungs, inside his head. He couldn’t breathe. Enrique was just looking at him._

 

 

_19 days._

 

 

_19 days._

 

 

_It’s been 19 days._

 

 

_No. No. Enrique didn’t know. Enrique couldn’t know. There was nothing to know. Nothing to know. Nothing happened. Nothing at all. No._

 

 

_“19 days.” Lauri echoed tonelessly, pulling his hands into his lap under the table so Enrique wouldn’t be able to see how bad they were trembling all of sudden. He tried to keep his face blank, casting his gaze down onto the table top, tracing the marks left by customers before on the wood with his eyes._

 

 

_This is ridiculous Lauri wanted to tell himself. Nothing happened. Stop being so goddamn childish, stop being so whiny. Stop, stop stop. Just stop._

 

 

_Enrique cleared his throat and Lauri’s eyes flickered up to find Enrique looking at him somewhat conflicted and unsure. But he didn’t say anything, just opened his mouth and closing it again._

 

 

_“Spit it out.” Lauri huffed trying to give Enrique an annoyed look. “19? 19 days of what?”_

 

 

_“Since we last had sex.” Enrique said._

 

 

_If this had been a bad movie and Lauri the comedic main character this would have been the part where he’d spit out his drink in surprise like some idiot. As it was, his jaw just slightly dropped before his cheeks turned flaming red and he was fighting the urge to punch Enrique in the face._

 

 

_“What- Ssh!” Lauri hectically looked around to see if anyone had heard what Enrique had just said. He couldn’t believe how he could bring up something like this in public. “What the fuck, Enrique? You count- Oh my god.”_

 

 

_“It’s the longest period of time we didn’t have sex since we started to…have sex” Enrique clarified and Lauri was half ready to throw the picked apart blueberry muffin at him. But he didn’t instead he buried his face in his hand, groaning._

 

 

_“Could you, maybe…stop basically yelling out the word sex?” he mumbled angrily. “For fuck’s sake.”_

 

 

_Enrique cleared his throat again. Through the spaces between his fingers Lauri could see that Enrique was hesitantly reaching out for him so he quickly pulled back, crossing his arms defensively._

 

 

_“Lauri…” Enrique began before pausing again, pressing his lips into a thin line as Lauri watched him anxiously. When he continued to speak his voice sounded unusually meek. “…Lauri could it be that you…do you not find me attractive anymore? Or is it the stress? Are you-“_

 

 

_“Of course I still find you attractive!” Lauri hissed quickly. “Don’t be ridiculous we own a fucking mirror, idiot.”  Swallowing around the lump in his throat. He’d been so caught up in his own head the last weeks, had tried so hard to act normal around Enrique but apparently he had failed epically and even managed to hurt Enrique’s feelings somehow. He felt ashamed and guilty, looking down in his laps, avoiding Enrique’s eyes._

 

 

_“Then what is it?” Enrique inquired a certain kind of desperation in his voice that made Lauri feel like choking “Did I do something? Tell me. You’ve been kinda distant lately? I feel like you are avoiding me-“_

 

 

I am.

 

 

_“I’m not.”_

 

 

 _“Yes you are.” Enrique shook his head, letting out a silent sigh. “Getting you to go on this ‘date’ with me has been harder than getting into med school. I basically had to make an appointment. You are my boyfriend. We live together. You_ are _avoiding me.”_

 

 

_Lauri wanted nothing more than to hide his face behind his hands again but instead he met Enrique gaze, hoping, praying that his face didn’t show how guilty he felt._

 

 

_“I just… I’ve been…feeling a little out of it lately?” he tried halfheartedly, shrugging, like it wasn’t a big deal, like it wasn’t the understatement of the still young year. “It’s nothing you did it’s just-“_

 

 

_A shaky breath escaped his lips and suddenly he found the words stuck in his throat. Looking back he’d remember this split second as the moment he almost told Enrique the truth. He would wonder what would have happened if he had, if things would have ended differently. If they would have ended at all._

 

 

_But he couldn’t.  No words came out and Enrique was still looking at him anticipating some kind of satisfactory answer that wouldn’t come._

 

 

_“You…you want to have sex?” Lauri mumbled eventually to break the silence giving his best to let his own voice sound as steady as possible. “No problem we can- The restroom. I can give you a blowjob right now.”_

 

 

_He knew it was the wrong thing to say because Enrique’s face fell instantly and Lauri  wanted to kick himself._

 

 

Of course he doesn’t want to have sex with you. _He wanted to press his hands to his ears even though he knew it would do nothing against the voice in his head._ Not after what you did.

 

 

He doesn’t know. _Lauri wants to yell back._ There is nothing to know. _But there is no use to it anyway._

 

 

_His eyes snap back up to Enrique again who is looking at him a little like a kicked puppy._

 

 

 _“No Lauri that’s not what I-“  Enrique ran a hand through his short hair “I don’t want to have sex- No. That came out wrong!” he backtracked quickly blushing. “I do want to have sex. With you. I don’t think I could ever not want that, seriously.”_ Liar. _“ But I just-“ Enrique looked at Lauri pleadingly “I love you and if there is something that’s bothering you then I want to know that…”_

 

 

You don’t want to know.   _Lauri bit the words back, pressing his lips together tightly. There was nothing to say. He felt cornered, Enrique looking at him like that, like he was standing with his back against the wall, his lungs burning like he’d just ran a mile. His first instinct was to lash out._

 

 

_“You know what’s bothering me?” he snapped  suddenly. “You! You discussing our fucking sex life in fucking public! That is bothering me.”_

 

 

_Enrique opened his mouth to reply but Lauri cut him off. “So are we done? Are you done? Because I-“ he got up pulling his wallet out of his pocket, angrily slamming some money on the table “Got some stuff to do.”_

 

 

_Lauri liked to imagine that him getting loud, getting angry, would mask the way his voice quivered with every word but apparently Enrique wasn’t having it._

 

 

_“Really, Lauri.” He grabbed Lauri by the wrist. There was no force in the touch and yet it was enough for Lauri to freeze mid movement. “What stuff? What stuff do you have to do? Because from what I heard you dropped out of your geography course. Two weeks ago. Which you didn’t even tell me about. Paul, fucking Paul of all people told me after Professor Holbrook stopped us in the hallway and-“_

 

 

_19 days ago Lauri would have probably laughed at how offended Enrique sounded at the fact that Lauri had not told him something, would have teased him about it, would have laughed with him about it. But as it was all Lauri could do was blankly staring as he felt his stomach clench and all air leave his lungs._

 

 

_The sound of that woman’s name, the thought of her talking to Enrique…_

 

 

_“You are not-“Lauri slowly took a step backwards peeling Enrique’s hand of his wrist. “-my fucking mother or chaperon or whatever. I don’t need to tell you fucking everything!”_

 

 

_He didn’t mean to yell, he didn’t mean to make Enrique look so hurt or for the cashier to throw a disapproving glance into their direction while the couple a few  seats away gawked at them._

 

 

_“Well…” Enrique said, taking a deep breath and in that moment Lauri hated him a little bit, for how calm he was able to stay, for how there was still kindness in his eyes._

 

 

_“But I’m your boyfriend, so I think I’m kinda entitled to-“_

 

 

_“You are entitled to SHIT!”_

 

 

_“Where are you going?” Enrique yelled after him as Lauri stormed off towards the door, ignoring the way tears stung in his eyes. He couldn’t believe this whole situation. Lauri had never in his life imagined himself being the kind of person to make a scene in public. That was one of those things that happen to other people. Not you. But then again there were a lot of things Lauri had thought only happened to other people, only happened in stupid movies._

 

 

_“It’s none of your goddamn business!” Lauri hissed as he pushed the door open, the cold air hitting his flushed face. “Get off my fucking case would you?”_

 

 

_“Lauri wait!” Enrique called after him following him out into the cold “Let me just- Stay please. Let’s have breakfast together, or go home together, just-“_

 

 

_“No! Enrique just leave me the fuck alone-“_

 

 

_“Lauri-“ Enrique pleaded, grabbing Lauri by the shoulder so they were looking at each other. Lauri couldn’t stand it, the sincerity, the worry in Enrique’s eyes. He couldn’t stand it._

 

 

_”No! I said no, Enrique!” Lauri cried giving Enrique a shove. “I said no!”_

 

 

I said no.

 

 

 

***

 

 

**_ Now _ **

 

 

Jerome sighs dramatically, shaking his head at Enrique, while Carlos just giggles in response Enrique chuckles too, before his eyes flicker to Lauri again, just watching, waiting for a few seconds.

 

 

“If you want back up…” he begins slowly, the words spoken intently. Somehow the tone in Enrique’s voice makes Lauri’s skin crawl. “…interrogate Lauri. He isn’t too big on the whole, monogamy, fidelity commitment thing, is he?”

 

 

 The words are dripping with venom but Lauri is not sure if anyone except himself notices since it’s not directed at them. It hurts. He has to press his lips together to either keep them from trembling or from the truth tumbling out.  He isn’t sure what it is. Maybe it is both.

 

 

Paul cocks his head slightly a confused look on his face seeming slightly taken aback but Carlos just laughs and Jerome pats Lauri on the back, like he just declared himself an ally to Jerome’s cause.

 

 

Lauri just sits still, he cannot look Enrique in the eye even though he can feel his gaze on him. His first instinct is to hide, to get out of this situation as quickly as possible, to pretend it never happened. Backing down is not an option though. Lauri promised himself that. And yet he can’t help the flush of shame rising in his cheeks. He hates it, being such an open book right now, allowing Enrique to see what his words to do him, how they affect him. Trying to control it would be in vain. It is nothing he can control but what he can do is damn well try to deny Enrique the satisfaction of seeing it. Looking down  onto his own lap saves him from seeing Enrique’s reaction at least.

 

 

“Do you, though?” Paul cuts in quickly before the insetting silence can become weird, offering Lauri an encouraging smile. “Have a girlfriend I mean?” Paul pauses before he adds “Or a boyfriend?”

 

 

Jerome laughs again and so does Carlos. Lauri doesn’t think it’s in a mean way, he’s pretty sure it’s just a meaningless good natured laugh but it still stings a little and Enrique’s eyes on him aren’t making it any better.

 

 

Lauri shifts uncomfortably before answering eventually. “No.” he says truthfully. “I don’t have …anyone.”

 

 

It shouldn’t feel like such a loaded thing to admit, shouldn’t feel as heavy and important. Lauri knows that. There is no shame in it. He isn’t ashamed. He isn’t. And yet the smug smile that creeps onto Enrique’s face for the blink of an eye, makes Lauri look away, his hands balled into fists under the table.

 

 

It’s so unfair, that Enrique can make him feel this way just with a simple twitch of his lip, nothing anyone else would even pay attention to. It’s unfair because it makes Lauri feel like a loser. It’s not because people like Bora have wives and kids or because Jerome is so confidently single. It’s because Enrique makes Lauri feel inferior. A part of Lauri knows that it must be Enrique’s way of punishing Lauri, his way of saying that even though it was Lauri who left it is Enrique who is better off now.

 

 

It doesn’t matter that Enrique is right or that Lauri knows that. It still makes Lauri angry. A weird mix of hurt and anger that he hasn’t felt in a long time. Because he isn’t weaker, he isn’t lesser. Enrique doesn’t know how much strength it cost Lauri to be here, to have made it this far. Enrique shouldn’t make him feel so small.

 

 

“Well…” Lauri says slowly and it comes out more bitter than intended “why isn’t she here then? Your girlfriend. As far as I remember being out and proud with your love is _your_ thing, isn’t it?”

 

 

They stare at each other for a split second and a faint glint in Enrique’s eyes gives Lauri a foul taste of satisfaction. It’s gone as quickly as it appeared though and Enrique just chuckles.

 

 

“Lori is covering my shifts at the hospital so-“ Enrique begins but Lauri cuts him off midsentence, a crazy laugh building up in his throat.

 

 

_This just had to be a joke._

 

 

“Wait a second. Your girlfriend’s name…” Lauri raises one eyebrow at Enrique. “Your girlfriend’s name is Lori. Lori. Are you serious?”

 

 

Enrique just looks at him stonefaced. When he speaks his voice is absolutely even. So calm it almost makes Lauri angry. “Yes. Lori. What about it.”

 

 

It’s not a question. It makes Lauri taste the bitterness in his own laughter. Enrique’s face remains unmoving.

 

 

“What’s so funny?” he asks dryly.

 

 

Lauri doesn’t have an answer. There is nothing to say. Her name is Lori.

 

 

“Nothing.” Lauri gets out eventually “Oh my god. Nothing is funny. About this. At all. Fucking Lori.”

 

 

The silence that falls over them eventually feels even heavier than before and it stretches on, enveloping them whole making Lauri’s heart ache for a time when he could read those cyan eyes better than his own mind. For a short moment Lauri almost forgets where they are and that they aren’t the only people here.  The way Enrique’s head snaps up as Carlos clears his throat awkwardly is comforting in some strange intangible way because it means that maybe Enrique is just as lost as Lauri is.

 

 

Maybe not.

 

 

“She’s hot though. Blonde.” Jerome pipes in suddenly. “Show him the pic you showed us, Enrique.”

 

 

Enrique just quirks an eyebrow at him before pushing his phone over the table towards Lauri, his eyes not leaving Lauri’s, his gaze almost daring, but Lauri can’t help but notice how deliberately Enrique pulls his hand back as soon as Lauri reaches out as if even the idea of their hands being in close proximity of each other is something Enrique prefers to avoid.

 

 

Lauri takes the phone in hand making the screen light up and sure enough there is a blonde woman smiling into the camera as the lock-screen. She is pretty. Probably. Maybe. Lauri can’t tell, the feeling of his stomach twisting and the lump in his throat too strong to leave space for any rational assessment.

 

 

He can feel Jerome looking at him expectantly. It makes his skin itch. They are expecting some sort of reaction. At least Carlos, Jerome and Paul are. Lauri is not so sure about Enrique. When he glances up from the phone pushing it back to the middle of the table he immediately finds Enrique’s eyes again.

 

 

“Well…” Lauri begins trying to mirror the slight smirk Enrique gives him. “You always did have a thing for blondes, didn’t you?”

 

 

It’s a vile thing to say, especially in front of their old friends and the second the words are out Lauri wants to take them back. Something that could resemble hurt flashes over Enrique’s face but it doesn’t provide any satisfaction. Instead it leaves a foul taste in Lauri’s mouth and he quickly looks away.

 

 

He wonders if Enrique thinks about the same things right now. About his hands in Lauri’s hair, sometimes gentle sometimes passionate, about their hiking trip at the coast where Enrique’s made all those cheesy comparisons between Lauri’s hair and the sun. About how it’s so much darker when it’s wet, almost as dark as Enrique’s own hair.

 

 

But maybe he doesn’t think about that. Maybe he doesn’t think about Lauri at all. Maybe he thinks about Lori’s blonde hair, how it feels, how it smells, how she ties it up into a messy ponytail like in the picture.

 

 

For a moment Lauri is glad that Enrique’s thoughts are locked for him now.

 

 

Thankfully, before anyone else can say anything or question their exchange Bora reappears carrying drinks for himself and the others.

 

 

Paul jumps up eagerly helping Bora to set the glasses down onto the table without spilling anything. Lauri is kinda impressed. Carrying five drinks without messing up is probably even more difficult than it looks like.

 

 

Paul drapes an arm around Bora’s shoulders grinning at his friends in a way that makes Lauri wonder if the two of them kept in contact after High School even though he is quite sure the Paul he knew in Uni never mentioned anything like that. But then again his memory may not be the most reliable and he never paid too much attention to what Paul does or doesn’t mention.

 

 

“Look at that, Bora.” Paul says a wide grin on his face “Old love.”

 

 

It takes Lauri a second before he realizes Paul is pointing at him. Him and Enrique. Lauri’s heart skips a beat and from the corner of his eyes he can see Enrique throwing him a quick glance too.

 

 

Thankfully Bora seems more confused than anything else, looking from Lauri to Enrique and finally back at Paul who seems more than a little oblivious to the fact that Bora does not seem to get what he is saying.

 

 

“Lauri and Enrique!” Paul clarifies, patting Bora on the back before plopping back down in his seat.

 

 

Eventually he does seem to get it though. His eyes light up and he takes a sip from his beer before looking intently at Jerome, Carlos and Bora.

 

 

“Ah you guys don’t know.” Paul says shaking his head shortly “But those two here, I know they barely even talked a word to each other during High School, but in Uni-“ he makes a meaningful pause and Lauri’s breath gets caught in his throat for a split second but then Paul just grins again “I swear they were _this_ close, the first few years.  I’m talking inseparable close. Package deal. Always together. You know how when your bro suddenly gets a super hot girlfriend and suddenly he’s a _we_ and no longer an I? Kinda annoying kinda sweet? That’s how it was with them.”

 

 

After throwing them both a glance he adds “Of course without all the PDA. Since it was all platonic, right?” wiggling his eyebrows.

 

 

Paul doesn’t really expect an answer, it’s not even a real questions, played off as a joke, nothing more nothing less, but it’s still something that makes Lauri’s mouth go dry, not allowing himself to look over at Enrique.

 

 

There is nothing to say anyway. There isn’t an answer. Not anymore.

 

 

“No way!” Carlos laugh, shaking his head at Lauri. “I remember you clearly telling me how much you hated ‘Martinez and that goddamn smirk of his’ every single time we saw him in between classes.”

 

 

The others laugh and Lauri even manages something vaguely resembling a chuckle while Enrique just raises an eyebrow at him, taking a sip from his drink.

 

 

“Well” Lauri clears his throat awkwardly after the laughter has died down.  “…things change. I guess.” He says quietly.

 

 

He knows it’s an unsatisfactory reply for them at best, sees it in the way Bora frowns and Jerome exchanges glances with Carlos. But it’s not meant for them anyway. It’s for Enrique. But Enrique remains stoically silent and truth be told Lauri doesn’t even know himself how or if there is something to reply for either of them.

 

 

The split second Lauri allows himself to glance at him he seems deep in thought, but just for a moment because suddenly Carlos breaks the silence.

 

 

“Hey where is your drink?” he says, sounding almost personally offended at Lauri for not having something to drink in front of him. “We can-“ he is already half out of his chair pointing into the direction of the bar before Lauri cuts him off as quickly as he can manage.

 

 

“No.” Lauri shifts uncomfortably, licking his dry lips. “Thank you, but I don’t drink…anymore.”

 

 

There’s a loud clattering noise when Enrique sets his glass back on the table with more force than entirely necessary, almost spilling the liquid inside, his glare burning into Lauri’s skin.

 

 

“What? No!” Jerome exclaims loudly “That’s a fucking shame, bro. No one could drink like you during High School!” he laughs loudly giving Lauri a friendly nudge with his shoulder.

 

 

Lauri remains still, his gaze shifting back from Jerome to Enrique whose face is blank, his jaw set in a tight line.

 

 

Lauri is still looking at him when he says it again quietly the same words as before “Things change. I guess.”

 

 

Something about them must hit Enrique because there is a flash of anger in his eyes . He narrows them briefly at Lauri before shaking his head slowly while his mouth twists into a cold smile that is entirely unfamiliar to Lauri. It looks wrong on Enrique’s face, like someone painted it on him using only colors without warmth.

 

 

“Why?” Enrique asks, he doesn’t even try to sound casual anymore, not that he did before but now his words cut like knives. “Why would you stop drinking, Lauri? I remember you enjoying it an awful lot, didn’t you? In the morning to get up, later instead of lunch, then a bit more in the evening and finally some to fall asleep at night? Sounds about right, doesn’t it?”

 

 

Lauri can feel the heat rising up in his cheek, white hot shame burning inside his chest. Enrique is exaggerating; he knows that, but not by much. Lauri knows it was bad, knows that it hurt Enrique, but hearing Enrique spit those words at him with so much vile hurts, even though he probably deserves it.

 

 

The rest of the group has fallen into an embarrassed silence looking between Lauri and Enrique, but Enrique doesn’t seem to mind, maybe he doesn’t notice, his eyes focused only on Lauri and the way he fidgets in his chair.

 

 

“What did you have some sort of epiphany? Or did you fuck up your liver entirely?”

 

 

Carlos awkwardly makes some sort of coughing noise but Enrique doesn’t react.

 

 

“What is it to you?” Lauri wishes he had something wittier, sharper to say to defend himself but it comes out flat sounding more sad than anything else. It’s even more embarrassing because Enrique just snorts shrugging like they were just making casual conversation.

 

 

“It’s nothing to me.” he replies tapping his fingers on the table top “It’s just…I asked you so often to stop drinking” he shrugs again as if he tries to play it down like he isn’t thinking about the time they got into a huge fight after Lauri had gotten black out drunk at Enrique’s birthday party, having to spend the night at the hospital.

 

 

“I didn’t even ask you to stop.” He continues, “Just to tone it down a bit. Because half a year before…” _We broke up?_ “…you left, it got bad. Out of control bad. It was totally moderate before but-“ he shakes his head ready to continue, more words probably ready on the tip of his tongue.

 

 

“Stop.” Lauri cuts in, pressing his lips into a tight line, his gaze cast downwards.  He can feel their eyes on him, their boring gazes; it makes him feel like hiding. But it’s too late for running. It’s been too late the second he set a foot out of the car into the pattering rain.

 

 

“What? Don’t tell me you are embarrassed?” Enrique tilts his head at Lauri “Don’t you want our old friends to know that you were basically an alcoholic?”

 

 

“I wasn’t an alcoholic.” Lauri tries to keep his voice calm but it trembles just ever so slightly “I was-“

 

 

Bora cuts him off by suddenly clearing his throat loudly until both Enrique and Lauri turn to look at him. He has a stern look on his face mixed with confusion and maybe worry too.

 

 

“I have the feeling this here-“ Bora gestures at the space between them  “is a conversation where the rest of us is missing quite a few vital background information on so unless-“ he gives them both a pointed look “you are planning on enlightening us I suggest we change the topic or…”

 

 

“Yes. Good idea.” Enrique agrees far too quickly, his tone too sharp. “Let’s change the topic.” His eyes snap back to Lauri “Lauri. Why are you here?”

 

 

_I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know._

 

 

“The class reunion.” Lauri says, biting his lip.

 

 

_You._

 

 

“Yes. But. Why. Are. You. Here.” Enrique says emphasizing every word. “You must have known I’d be here too.”

 

 

Each word is like a knife in his gut but Lauri tries to not let it show forcing his mouth into a tight lipped smile. He doesn’t dare to imagine what their friends are making of this exchange, what is going on in their heads, if they catch the not so hidden meaning behind it, if they figured it out yet.

 

 

“Oh you know me, Enrique.” Lauri is a little proud of the way his voice almost sounds even, almost sounds calm “I got quite the masochistic tendencies.”

 

 

It’s the truth just cloaked in less desperate, less revealing words.

 

 

_You. I came for you. To see you. To see what I lost._

 

 

Lauri wonders if Enrique realizes that it’s the first time tonight Lauri has said his name out loud. It leaves a familiar yet foreign taste on his tongue. From the corner of his eyes he can see Paul and Bora exchanging a look but then Enrique speaks again.

 

 

“Really?” he says, his voice measured and cool leaning forward just slightly “I got the feeling it’s more the opposite, isn’t it?”

 

 

Lauri swallows around the lump in his throat, fighting the urge to run for what feels like the hundredth time tonight. “Maybe we shouldn’t have this conversation here…” he tries, wondering when exactly his throat has become so hoarse.

 

 

It’s a weak attempt trying to save some of his dignity and he can already see it in Enrique’s eyes that he won’t take kindly to it. Lauri wasn’t sure what he had expected but it certainly hasn’t been this level of savageness.

 

 

Enrique crosses his arms giving Lauri a challenging glare. Lauri hates how he looks so confident, so at ease in his own skin, despite the obvious emotional turmoil he is displaying. Lauri himself probably looks meek and miserable and how is that fair, Lauri wonders for what feels like the millionth time in the past years. Same old question: Why me? Why did it have to me be?

 

 

Lauri hasn’t found the answer yet. Maybe there isn’t one. And if there is, Lauri is sure he wouldn’t like it.

 

 

“And what conversation would that be?” Enrique asks even though it is written on his face that he already knows the answer. The way he holds himself, the slight twist at the corner of his mouth… some things don’t change after all. Lauri almost smiles.

 

 

“this incredibly awkward one right now, maybe?” Carlos mutters in response and because it’s so quiet it’s almost like yelling in Lauri’s ears. Enrique actually laughs but it sounds hollow and dry. Brittle somehow.

 

 

“There is nothing awkward here.” Enrique snaps. “Just two old acquaintances having a friendly chat. Isn’t that right, Lauri?”

 

 

“Acquaintances?” Lauri tugs at the hem of his sleeve, just to give his fingers something to do. “Is it that what we are?”

 

 

 _Is that the right word? Not lovers, not friends, not strangers._ _Acquaintances?_

 

 

It’s a word Lauri has used, heard, read probably hundredth of times in his life and yet only now he feels its edges, sharp and pointy making it almost painful to pronounce. It doesn’t seem to bother Enrique who just shrugs.

 

 

“Got a better word?”

 

 

Lauri opens his mouth, but before he can answer Carlos interrupts him.

 

 

“I got a word.” He says roughly. “Rude. You are being rude.”

 

 

Enrique almost looks confused for a second turning his  gaze to Carlos and the others, like he really forget they weren’t alone, that this wasn’t in fact a private conversation just between the two of them. For a moment Lauri half expects Enrique to apologize but when he turns back to Lauri there is nothing sympathetic or soft in his gaze. It’s a cold stare, eyes narrowed.

 

 

Lauri has to look away.

 

 

 

 

***

 

 

 

**_ 12th September, 8 years ago  _ **

**__ **

 

_“Stop staring you creep.” Lauri laughed. He had his head turned towards the window, watching the streets of his hometown flow by. Even though he wasn’t looking he could basically feel the tickle of Enrique’s gaze on his skin, making the smile on his face even brighter. He just had to look away feeling so ridiculously happy “It’s rude.” He added. “You are being rude.”_

 

 

_Enrique simply chuckled and Lauri threw him a fake annoyed glance in response, but Enrique just softly shook his head, his eyes twinkling. He had one hand on the steering wheel, the other rested comfortably on Lauri’s knee._

 

 

_“I’m not staring.” Enrique argued the grins till on his face, making Lauri feel all warm and fuzzy inside. It meant so much to him, that Enrique was doing this trip with him, visiting his parents’ grave._

 

 

_“Yes you are.” Lauri insisted “Eyes on the road, sir. I’d prefer to not join my parents anytime soon.”_

 

 

_He tried to look stern but he wasn’t doing a very good job at it, judging by the look of mischief on Enrique’s face as he stuck his tongue out at Lauri._

 

 

_“Hey.” Lauri poked Enrique’s cheek with his finger to nudge his head into turning “You are gonna get us both killed, arsehole.”_

 

 

_“I won’t.” Enrique smiled, but turned to face the road properly nevertheless._

 

 

_“I will haunt your sorry ass for all eternity, just to be clear you dick.” Lauri pointed out dryly but he couldn’t keep that damn smile from creeping back onto his face as Enrique laughed out loud, undermining all seriousness he might have been able to establish otherwise._

 

 

_“If I get us both killed I’d be dead too. How are you gonna haunt me then, huh? You can’t haunt a ghost.”_

 

 

_Enrique stopped at a red light and Lauri seized the opportunity to lean over quickly, placing a soft kiss on Enrique’s cheek. “Fucking try me bitch.” He whispered before returning into his seat as the light turned green. “You ain’t gonna get rid of me so easily.”_

 

 

_“No?” Enrique tilted his head, a cheeky smile on his lips._

 

 

_“No.” Lauri smiled turning his gaze back towards the window. ”Turn left here. We are almost there.”_

 

_***_

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really hope you liked chapter 2. i put a lot of works into this so please tell me what you think, what you liked, etc.
> 
> As always thanks to my dear friend chikabow who honestly keeps me sane <3  
> And also great thanks to Succube who helped me alot with this chapter too.
> 
> I do not own any person(s) or brand(s) mentioned in this piece. This is a work of fiction and is meant to be read as such.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For this chapter goes the same as for the first. So please read the top notes for that one.  
> So yeah more stuff happens and we get a better look at what happened in the past. some more hints, some are quite obvious some aren't. I hope you enjoy.  
> And be warned. It's getting dark. I guess.

**_ Now _ **

 

 

“Last time I checked this here,” Carlos shoots both of them a glare. “was an open group conversation and now you two are basically at each other’s throats for god knows what reason, having this coded private talk here right in front of us. It’s-“

 

 

“Not so cool… For us at least.” Jerome ends Carlos’ sentence, nodding in agreement.

 

 

Bora sighs but doesn’t disagree and neither does Paul who eyes Enrique carefully, but remains quiet.

 

 

“Fine.” Enrique stands up abruptly, pushing his chair back. Lauri hesitates for a second, shooting the others an apologetic look. He would say something too, if he only knew what.

 

 

Enrique waits for Lauri to get up as well, before turning around to stride through the crowd, Lauri always a few steps behind him. He doesn’t turn around to check if Lauri is keeping up and Lauri wonders if he does it on purpose or if it’s some kind of subconscious decision.

 

 

Lauri’s thoughts however, can’t help but race through his head as he follows Enrique through the hall. It could be some kind of English essay worthy metaphor, he muses, something about Enrique not wanting to look back to the past or some pseudo-intellectual nonsense like that.

 

 

In the end it doesn’t matter though because no metaphor or allegory can stop Lauri’s throat from getting tight or a shudder running down his spine as they eventually leave the people behind and find themselves in the solitude of the empty hallways of their old school. The noise, the music, and chatter is only a muffled sound in the background when Enrique finally pushes open an unlocked classroom door.

 

 

 “Here we are. All alone. Like you wanted.” Enrique sighs leaning against one of the desks, his hands buried in his pockets. His stance says casual but the tone on his voice tells a different story. “We aren’t even together anymore and you are still ashamed of us.”

 

 

The words sting, of course they do. Lauri full well knows what Enrique is referring to, what emotions, what memories hide behind the way he twists his lips into a tight lipped smile, while his eyes remain cold. It’s not completely uncalled for and yet it still feels like a low blow and it makes Lauri hesitate for a moment before closing the classroom door behind himself, allowing the silence of the room to stretch between them until it’s almost tangible in the air.

 

 

Lauri looks at his feet when he speaks. “I was never ashamed of us.”

 

 

The words don’t come easily but his voice is surprisingly steady, still when he looks up he can see it in Enrique’s eyes that he doesn’t believe Lauri, probably rightfully so. Six words don’t erase the past, don’t erase all those hurtful arguments, those fights and quarrels. Six words are nothing and yet it takes Lauri more strength than he’d care to admit to continue speaking , “I wasn’t ashamed of us. I…didn’t want to come out. There’s a difference.”

 

 

He doesn’t know what part of him had thought adding this half-hearted explanation would make anything better, but he knows it was wrong as soon as he sees the expression on Enrique’s face shift, hears the bitterness in his voice.

 

 

“Maybe for you.” Enrique spits out “I just felt like shit. No difference. _You_ made me feel like shit.”

 

 

Well, at least the coldness in his eyes is gone now, replaced by angry fire, directed only at Lauri. And Lauri, Lauri feels guilty, not only for the past, but for what he did, what he said, what he didn’t say, but also for now, for how his heart tumbles a bit with the thought that if a part of Enrique held onto that anger for so many years that means that Lauri, in whatever way, still has a place in Enrique’s life. At least the Lauri who did those things does, the Lauri who made Enrique feel like shit, who planted these feelings, this bitterness and hurt, he is still there somehow. It’s a bit like a time capsule opening but Lauri isn’t sure what he is supposed to feel. Excitement would be wrong. Dread, maybe? Pain, probably? A twisted kind of nostalgia?

 

 

“I know.” Lauri breathes. “I wish that I- I wish it could have been different. I’m sorry.”

 

 

It’s the truth. He really does. Over the years he’s played through so many scenarios in his head, so many _what ifs, if onlys,_ _could haves_ and _should haves,_ Lauri has lost count. So many ways he could have saved them, each leaving another invisible scar on his skin, Lauri wishes Enrique could see that, could see that Lauri tried, really tried. And he did, he did save them, not when it counted of course, but every night he thought about it after that day he walked out that door, every night after that Lauri saved them, said something else, done something differently, didn’t screw up, didn’t take that drink. Somehow, somewhere, some time. Maybe in a different life. Maybe a Lauri that isn’t so scared, so messed up and so lost. Maybe a Lauri that actually manages to communicate properly, who opens up instead of shutting off, who asks for help instead of pushing everyone away. Maybe that Lauri stood a chance. Lauri really wishes he could be him, could have been him.

 

 

“Why couldn’t it? Why couldn’t it be different?” Enrique shakes his head “Why? Our third anniversary, at the ice skating rink, before dinner, I said to you ‘Let’s tell people’ and you, you said ‘yes’ and then all of sudden-“ he takes his hands out of his pockets to cross his arms in front of his chest but eventually  uncrossing them again, like he doesn’t know what to do with them “-all of sudden you acted like the possibility of people knowing about us being a couple was the single worst thing in the entire world.”

 

 

Enrique looks so hurt, so angry, it’s only raw emotions left for display. The guarded expressions, the cold calculated sharpness, it’s all gone now.

 

 

Lauri doesn’t want to think about it, their third anniversary. They had been so happy that day, looking back, that happiness feels like a stab in the heart because Lauri knows what happens next, knows that there will be no fourth anniversary, no  summer road trip, no next Christmas to spend together in their future. Those things they planned for that day, that future they were so sure about, they didn’t get it and the wound it left behind still bleeds.

 

 

 If any of them is to blame for that, it’s most probably Lauri. It still feels wrong though, letting Enrique put it all on Lauri, without putting up a fight, without standing up for himself, because even though what Enrique says is mostly true, it hasn’t been all just Lauri. It always takes two people.

 

 

“You kept pushing me.” Lauri says, unable to keep the hurt out of his voice. “I know I said yes that day but-“ _things change_ “-but you just kept pushing me and I- …that wasn’t fair either.”

 

 

“Yes.” Enrique complies but for some reason it doesn’t sound like giving in, not that Lauri expected him to “You weren’t ready. Three damn years and you still weren’t ready. That’s what you kept telling me.”

 

 

The tone in his voice makes Lauri feel like he’s being put on trial.

 

 

 “Then why didn’t you just listen?!” he snaps before he can stop himself and for a second Enrique looks almost taken aback. It’s not that Lauri doesn’t know Enrique is right, because he does, but it still feels unfair somehow. Unfair of Enrique slamming this into Lauri’s face like that, as an accusation, as the first of many mistakes that marked their road to ruin. Unfair of Lauri for never giving Enrique any sort of explanation, never giving him anything really.

 

 

“No.” Enrique cuts in before Lauri can say anything else “Don’t you dare, Lauri. Don’t you dare blaming this on me now. Fine, maybe I shouldn’t have been so pushy, so ‘inconsiderate’, but you-“ the bitterness in his tone is overwhelming “-you ruined us. You and your goddamn insecurity and the damn jealousy and-“

 

 

“Not everyone has your confidence.” Lauri argues, unable to keep his voice even this time, the lump in his throat growing bigger. It’s not that Enrique doesn’t have a point or that Lauri isn’t aware of that fact but he never chose this, he never chose to feel that way, to have those nagging doubts and thoughts in his head, that biting self-consciousness, eating away at him. Lauri never asked for it. “Not everyone is like you. Not everyone looks like a fucking supermodel.”

 

 

“Oh shut up!” it looks like Enrique wants to slam his hands on the table but he doesn’t, instead he runs them through his hair, like he used to when he got frustrated with something.

 

 

He is still glaring at Lauri “You were _always_ beautiful to me. You were always perfect. You had nothing to be insecure about.”

 

 

“You were the only one who ever thought that.” Lauri mumbles and it’s not even meant to be heard but for some reason Enrique does. He scoffs, throwing Lauri a look Lauri doesn’t know how to interpret.

 

 

“Even if that were true, shouldn’t it have been enough? Shouldn’t I have been enough?”

 

 

Nothing comes out when Lauri opens his mouth and again Enrique shakes his head, exhaling slowly and Lauri readies himself for another blow but while Enrique’s voice still carries accusations and anger there is also pain there and a sudden vulnerability Lauri hasn’t sensed on Enrique all night.

 

 

“ _I_ wasn’t enough for you. That’s what it comes down to, doesn’t it?” Enrique’s fingers are clenched tightly to the edge of the table, so hard Lauri can see his knuckles turning white. “I tried! I loved you so much. I gave you _everything,_ but it just wasn’t enough for you, was it?”

 

 

Lauri can feel the tears stinging in his eyes and if Enrique remembers anything about Lauri he should hear it in the way Lauri’s voice cracks, what his words are doing to Lauri. “You were enough.” Lauri whispers. “I couldn’t show you and… and yes...that’s my fault, my mistake, you…you do get to blame me for that.”

 

 

“Then why?” Enrique retorts, his gaze fixed on Lauri ‘s face like he is looking for something that he doesn’t find. “Why could you never compromise? Why could you not even give me a little bit of- You didn’t budge. Never. Not even one centimeter. I begged you-“

 

 

“And you never tried to understand.” Lauri tries to make himself stand taller, taking in a deep breath, pushing his shoulders back, trying not to crumble under Enrique’s eyes. The way the night is going tears will come soon enough but Lauri would prefer to push it back a little, not giving it all up at once, not when Enrique still holds onto some kind of levelheadedness that Lauri never quite managed to achieve.

 

 

_You never tried to understand._ He thinks looking at Enrique staring at him like he actually thinks Lauri has a satisfying answer. _Or maybe you did. Maybe you did try. But really how could you? When I couldn’t even understand it myself, what terrified me so much about the thought of people knowing about us, what caused that blockade in my head?_

 

 

When Lauri doesn’t add anything Enrique scoffs in frustration.

 

 

“I tried! God, Lauri believe me, I tried. But you gave me nothing! _”_  Enrique almost yells the last part, making it echo through the silent room and Lauri can see his lips trembling, like there is more, so much more Enrique wants to yell, wants to scream, all those things Lauri denied him by just disappearing, leaving things unfinished, things unsaid, unresolved. Enrique had to clean up the mess their relationship left behind alone and it’s so visible on his face, how much he resents Lauri for that.

 

 

“Please stop pretending that coming out would have been the solution to all our problems.” Lauri says quietly. “I told you the world doesn’t work like that. Not everyone is as kind and open minded as you are.”

 

 

“My mother accepted us.” Enrique cuts in and Lauri tries his best not to flinch, the faint memory of the betrayal he had felt that day coiling in his stomach. Enrique seems so convinced, it reminds Lauri so much of the look Enrique wore on his face so many years ago when he just refused to see what Lauri saw, to believe him.

 

 

“No.” Lauri whispers, then repeats it, louder this time. “No she didn’t. She tolerated it. Barely. That is not acceptance. You couldn't see that but I could. Your mom being ‘the bad guy’? No, that was impossible for you. You rather put that role on me. And besides…” Lauri locks eyes with Enrique, seeing the tension in the way he holds himself, the tight lipped smile, not as challenging as it’s probably supposed to be. “Don’t tell me your mom wasn’t completely over the moon when her perfect little son suddenly brought home a girl instead of…” his voice trails off “…instead of me.”

 

 

Enrique doesn’t say anything but at least he has the decency to blush, looking away.

 

 

***

 

 

 

**_ 5th June, 6 years ago _ **

 

_It was nine pm and Enrique was fast asleep on their couch, the TV running muted in the background, while Lauri sat in the old ratty armchair they had gotten at yard sale months ago. He had his legs tugged underneath him, his fingers tracing the horribly old fashioned pattern on the armrest absentmindedly. One now empty beer bottle lay on the floor next to him in a small puddle of its former content. Lauri knew he should pick it up, get a cleaning rag, but he couldn’t bring himself to move, feeling strangely detached, out of it somehow, like most of the time lately._

 

 

_They had been watching TV together, silently, the bowl of popcorn placed conveniently between them. Lauri wasn’t sure when he had moved away to the armchair or when Enrique had fallen asleep, he didn’t even know why the TV was still on or who muted it but he knew that even in his sleep, Enrique’s face looked somehow worried these days, something Lauri didn’t know how to deal with._

 

 

_Suddenly the sound of a cellphone vibrating on a glass surface pierced through the surrounding silence causing Lauri to flinch. The screen of Enrique’s phone which was lying on the couch table lit up and Lauri moved quickly, trying to pick it up before the sound could wake Enrique, almost tripping over his own feet in the process._

 

 

_Lauri pressed the accept button without checking caller ID, too busy navigating out of their living room in the darkness. He carefully shut the bathroom door behind himself before sliding to the floor next to it, leaning against the wall._

 

 

_“Hello?” he whispered._

 

 

_The voice at the other end of the line was instantly familiar even though it hadn’t been this cold the last time he heard it._

 

 

_“Where is my son?” Enrique’s mother asked sharply and Lauri closed his eyes, letting his forehead drop against his knees, wishing he hadn’t answered the call, had just pressed the decline button instead._

 

 

_“Hi, Mrs. Martinez.” Lauri replied trying to sound friendly even though she wasn’t making such an effort on his behalf. “Enrique is asleep at the moment. But you could call back tomorrow? Around-“ Lauri  paused trying to recall Enrique’s class schedule. “Around 11am? He’s got a free period there so…”_

 

 

_He could hear her taking a deep breath through the phone._

 

 

_“Laurence-“_

 

 

_“Lauri.” He corrected her quietly but she just talked over him, words pointed and sharp._

 

 

_“I do not care.” She said and for a split second Lauri had to think what she meant. He wasn’t surprised but it still stung a little, hearing her saying it so bluntly, that’s he didn’t care whether his name was Laurence, Lauri or Larry. It felt devaluating. Probably was meant that way too._

 

 

_“I do not care.” She repeated then she paused for a moment like she had to gather her thoughts for a moment, even though Lauri had trouble imagining a woman like her having any difficulties with finding the words she deemed fitting. ”I did not call to talk to you.” She said eventually and for a moment Lauri had the crazy urge to laugh, because of course not. Why would she call her son’s phone to have a talk with Lauri? Why did she feel the need to clarify that he didn’t know, but it made him feel uneasy, the bare tiles underneath him felt colder by the second._

 

 

_“But since I am already talking to you I would like to use the opportunity to,” again she made a deliberate pause “well to discuss some things with you.”_

 

 

_Her voice made Lauri’s skin crawl, even though it wasn’t as much her voice as her tone, the way she put the words it all got messed up in his head, twisting into something else, something of which the memory made Lauri feel sick to his stomach._

 

 

_She didn’t wait for an_ _answer. It hadn’t been a question anyway. Lauri felt the need to wrap his arms around himself but the phone in his hand had him frozen._

 

 

_“ My son seems…for some reason to be quite confused.“ she began and her voice almost carried something like concern. “I am asking you to not take advantage of that.”_

 

 

_Lauri’s brows drew together in puzzlement his throat suddenly feeling tight “I-I’m not taking advantage of anything? What are you even talking about?”_

 

 

Confused. _The word echoed in his mind._ You are confused, aren’t you? _Lauri wanted to close his eyes but he was afraid if he did the images would come back, they were always more vivid in the dark. Sharper somehow, not as blurry and  hazy as they had been._

 

 

It’s okay sweetie. _Her hand on his cheek._   I can fix that. _Her lips on his neck._

 

 

Don’t cry, _her fingers dancing lower._

 

 

_Lauri flinched almost dropping the phone in the process._

 

 

_“You know what I am talking about.” Enrique’s mother said._

 

 

_Why does she sound like her, why does she sound like her. Lauri’s thoughts were going in circles. I’m going crazy. I’m going crazy._

 

 

_Lauri had to fight the urge to squeeze his eyes shut, like that would have help._

 

 

_Like that_ had _helped._

 

 

_On the other end of the line Enrique’s mother sighed. “I believe him when he says he loves you. Well at least that he thinks he loves you. But this confusion will blow over soon enough. I raised a good child. He is smart. He knows right from wrong. You just got into his head.”_

 

 

_For a second Lauri didn’t know how to react, the air getting stuck in his chest. “He does-“ Lauri choked out “He does love me.”_

 

 

_At least that’s what Enrique always said, even now, even with everything so screwed up, even now he still said it almost every day, and sometimes Lauri almost felt deserving of it. Almost._

 

 

_“That does not matter.” She said before Lauri was even done talking. “There is no place in his life for you. I want you to keep that in mind. He is a good boy. He is going to be a doctor. He is going to get married and give me grandchildren._ You _are not part of that future. Do you understand?”_

 

 

_“He-He wants me though.“ Lauri was really glad that they were not having this conversation face to face. Letting her see the hot angry tears he can feel running down his cheeks was something he couldn’t bear. “He wants me in his life. So it’s none of your fucking busin-“_

 

 

_“Watch your mouth.” She cut in like she was scolding a misbehaving child._

 

 

_“You!” Lauri almost yells “You should watch your mouth! He- Enrique was so happy that you were so accepting. He-“_

 

 

_“Do not mistake me being kind and loving to my son for acceptance.” Enrique’s mother replied. The calm in her voice felt worse than if she had been screaming. It made Lauri feel like_ he _was being the one acting unreasonable. Like she was cool and rational while he just an emotional mess. “A mother’s love for her son is unconditional, even when he is…temporarily-"_

 

 

_“Don’t say confused! He is not confused!” this time Lauri did yell. He hated her saying it again and again. “We are not confused or sick or whatever people like you make up! Fuck you for even thinking that. If Enrique knew-“_

 

 

Enrique doesn’t know. He doesn’t know. He can’t know.

 

 

_“But he does not know.” She says like she heard the screaming thought in Lauri’s head that’s been running on repeat since January. “ It would break his heart, thinking that his mother does not love him anymore. Family is what matters, Laurence.”_

 

 

_Lauri didn’t correct her this time. He couldn’t trust his own voice, he didn’t know what would come out if he opened his mouth._

 

 

_“You aren’t family. You don’t matter. Not in the long run. You need to understand that.”_

 

 

_Lauri didn’t remember if she said anything else after that, he just remembered the words echoing in his mind like she yelled them at him. He wished he could press his hands to his ears to stop it but there was still the damn phone in his hand with the screen lit up and suddenly the bathroom door swung open and Enrique was there, standing in the doorframe looking down at Lauri, appearing slightly puzzled at first, then his eyes dropped to the phone and a flash of anger crossed his face. Lauri couldn’t place it for a moment, had Enrique heard him? Heard him yell at his mother? Was that the re4ason he was mad? Or was it because Lauri had somehow accidently woken him up?_

 

 

_“Is that my phone?” Enrique asked slowly, carefully “Why do you have my phone?” judging by his tone he already knew the answer. Lauri felt like the world suddenly ahd started turning again, just a little too fast, a little off. It made him feel dizzy._

 

 

_“I-“ Lauri scrambled up to his feet pressing the phone into Enrique’s hand quickly like it burned him. “I was- I was just-“ I just answered the phone for you. You were sleeping I didn’t want to wake you up._

 

 

_Simple._

 

 

_Why couldn’t he just say it? Just say the truth._

 

 

_But he’ll ask questions. He’ll ask who it was. He’ll ask details._

 

 

_It’ll hurt him._

 

_He’ll be hurt._

 

 

_Truth. Lauri presses his lips together tightly to keep them from trembling. The truth wouldn’t fix things now, would it?_

 

 

_“What the fuck, Lauri?”_

 

 

_Lauri’s head snapped up finding Enrique staring at him. Had he been talking? Had he said more? Lauri didn’t know._

 

 

_Enrique_ _had his jaw set in a tight line but Lauri could see something glistening in his eyes. ”Snooping? Going through my phone? That’s where we are now?” he sounded angry, betrayed, voice trembling slightly._

 

 

_“No! I wasn’t” Lauri felt his heart sink. He tried touching Enrique’s chest but Enrique took a step back shaking his head._

 

 

_“This goddamn jealousy of yours is getting out of hand! I- Why don’t you trust me anymore?” Enrique looked at Lauri pleadingly “Fuck. What did I do? What did I do wrong? Tell me, Lauri, please because I can’t figure it out! I can’t.”_

 

 

_“Enrique-“ Lauri began but Enrique held up a hand stopping him in his tracks._

 

 

_“You know what, save it. I’m too tired for this.”_

 

 

_He doesn’t believe me. Lauri could feel the tears sting in his eyes again, he tried to rub them away with his sleeve. He doesn’t believe me._

 

 

He wouldn’t believe me.

 

_***_

**_ Now _ **

 

“You think I would have picked my mom over you?” Enrique asks, sounding strangely huffish, like Lauri offended him somehow. It would have been amusing to be honest, on a different day in a different time Enrique wouldn’t have said it with such a grave expression on his face and it wouldn’t have made Lauri’s heart ache like this. And Lauri would have had a better answer than just a mumbled “Wouldn’t you have?”

 

 

“I guess we don’t know now, do we?” Enrique responds, his tone sharp, laced with bitterness. “Since you never gave me that choice. You _never_ gave me any choice. Ever. You decided everything. Always on your own. Always.“ he lets out something that faintly resembled a laugh “It was even your choice to end it. Not mine.”

 

 

It takes Lauri a moment to reply, to regain control over his voice, because no. No that wasn’t true. That was not how it had happened. “ _You_ broke up with me.” he says taking a step forward “ Then I left. We broke up. I left.  I didn’t-”

 

 

Enrique stares at him in disbelief, his fists clenching and unclenching at his sides. “No. No Lauri, you left me.” his voice is shaking “You. Left. Me. That was ‘the break-up’. That choice was yours! Yours!”

 

 

Lauri frantically shakes his head at that, wiping a tear from the corner of his eyes away with his fist. “You told me to leave. You said you needed space.”

 

 

The memories are as fresh and colorful as the day it had occurred. Lauri remembers how exhausted he had felt, how salty his tears had tasted on his lips and how hoarse his throat was from yelling. He remembers Enrique sitting at their kitchen able, face in his hands, telling Lauri with a broken voice that he cannot stand to look at his face for another second. Telling him to not be there when he comes home after the exam he has to attend now. Lauri remembers the unbearable pain in his chest and the trembling of his hands unable to reach out for Enrique pushing past him out of the door. He remembers crying so much his whole body hurt.

 

 

 It had been the last day, the last moment Lauri had seen Enrique before tonight.

 

 

“You told me to leave. You-” Lauri repeats, weaker this time, wanting to hide his face behind his hands, but he doesn’t. It’s like Enrique’s eyes keep him frozen in place, unmoving, just his shoulders trembling, struggling to keep the sobs in.

 

 

“Yes!” Enrique yells, causing Lauri to flinch. “I was mad and hurt! Of course I needed space! I needed you to leave the apartment for a few hours not… not leave the goddamn country!” Enrique takes in a shaky breath looking a little helpless all of sudden. When he speaks again his voice is barely more than a whisper. “I came home and you were gone. Gone. Just like that. Just like the last three and a half years had meant nothing to you.”

 

 

He looks at Lauri like he’s silently begging him to contradict him, to deny it and Lauri wants to, he wants to tell Enrique the truth, tell him that that three and a half years meant _everything_ to him, that they are what Lauri held onto when things got bad, got even worse. He wants to tell Enrique that he regrets it so much, what happened, what he did to ruin it all. But the words, once again, get stuck in Lauri’s throat and he hates it so much, how helpless he feels, how he came here for this and yet it feels like being pushed into a pool of freezing water without knowing how to swim.

 

 

Enrique nods at Lauri’s silence like it’s the answer he wasn’t hoping for but expected. “What was even your plan?” he asks “Just fucking off to Finland to do what? Spend some quality time with the remaining bit of your blood related family? Vacation?”

 

 

“What was my plan?” Lauri parrots, amazed by how dry his voice sounds all of sudden, as he steels himself for what’s about to come. “My plan?”

 

 

Enrique just lifts an eyebrow gesturing for Lauri to continue so Lauri takes in a deep breath.

 

 

“My plan was walking into the woods with my grandfather’s shotgun and shooting myself in the fucking head.”

 

 

Enrique is silent for so long, Lauri begins to doubt if he heard him at all until a twisted kind of smile creeps onto his face and he turns to look at Lauri again.

 

 

“…you didn’t though.”  He says and somehow, for some reason Lauri has to smile and he gives a tiny shrug.

 

 

“You know me. I’m a coward.”

 

 

Enrique licks his lips, exhaling slowly before looking at Lauri again. His eyes are calmer now “It’s…you know that it’s not funny, right? It never was,… making jokes like that.”

 

 

_Did it ever occur to you that it wasn’t a joke?_ Lauri wants to ask in return but there is no use in it now, he didn’t come to hurt Enrique, to blame him for something that wasn’t his fault, so he just looks away.

 

 

There is something written on the blackboard behind Enrique probably from the last class that had taken place here, but Lauri can’t fathom up enough concentration to decipher the handwriting.

 

 

For a crazy split second he wonders if Enrique developed the typical unreadable doctor’s handwriting by now. He remembers teasing Enrique mercilessly over his neat handwriting, saying jokingly that he would never make it as a doctor like that.

 

 

Enrique had always responded by scribbling something on Lauri’s arm in return, sometimes words, sometimes just silly stick figures.

 

 

The memory makes Lauri feel like smiling.

 

 

***

 

 

**_ 2nd April, 6 years ago _ **

 

_Lauri didn’t know if he’d been asleep or awake but he knew he flinched when the bedroom door was suddenly flung open allowing sunlight to spread through the room unhindered. He groaned, burying himself further in the cocoon of blankets. He felt drowsy and dizzy, like his head was filled with cotton and his mouth was dry. Maybe he should get up and get some water but the thought of getting out of bed felt a little too overwhelming. Just as Lauri was ready to drift off again even more light flooded the room through the window as the curtains were pulled open._

 

 

_“Why are you in bed?”_

 

 

_Enrique sounded irritated and mildly annoyed. Lauri could picture the face he was making without looking. It made his head ache and he wanted nothing more than to return to the silent darkness that had surrounded him moments ago. But Enrique wasn’t having it apparently, causing Lauri to groan and throw his arm over his eyes as Enrique pulled the covers back._

 

 

_“Why are you not dressed yet?” Enrique inquired and Lauri just_ knew _he had his arms crossed again_ _in that condescending way like he was talking to a child. At first it had always made Lauri mad. Now he just felt an empty kind of fed up._

 

 

_“Honey.”_

 

 

Oh. He actually expects an answer?

 

 

_Lauri sighed, glancing at Enrique who was indeed standing in front of their bed his arms crossed. He was wearing that blue button down that made his eyes look so good. His fancy shirt._

 

 

_Oh._

 

 

_Enrique ran a hand through his hair and exhaled._

 

 

_“We need to get going. I told you today is Maurice’s birthday party. I promised we’d come. “_

 

 

_That was true. Lauri vaguely remembered the conversation; he also remembered the way Maurice always looked at Enrique, how much Enrique always laughed when they hung out together. Lauri used to laugh with them. Now he didn’t anymore. He didn’t quite seem to know how. He wasn’t even sure when he had  last talked to Maurice. Had there been a text last week? Maybe. Lauri hadn’t answered._

 

 

_Now Enrique was looking at him with stern eyes. Lauri felt anger coiling in his chest, spreading inside the numbness all the alcohol from last night had left behind. Or at least Lauri liked to imagine it was that._

 

_“And I told you I didn’t want to go.” Lauri snapped fumbling for the blankets to get back into his cocoon where he wouldn’t feel Enrique’s disappointed and accusing eyes on him so much._

 

 

_Or maybe he hadn’t said that, maybe he hadn’t answered at all. He had no right to be angry, did he?_

 

 

_And yet Lauri felt so tired of this, Enrique trying to force him to start socializing, hanging out with their friends. Or rather his friends. Enrique’s friends. Acting like Lauri belonged with them. Like he fit in. Like he didn’t feel so out of place every time he was with them. He didn’t remember anymore how it had felt before. How it had been to not resent them, resent Paul and Maurice and Enrique, all of them for being able to just go on with their lives, just live and be happy and worry about exams and release dates of video games. Like nothing had happened._

 

 

_Because nothing had._

 

 

_Not to them._

 

 

_He resented them. He envied them._

 

 

_Enrique cleared his throat._

 

 

_“Did you even go to class today?”_

 

 

_Lauri could hear the sigh in his voice sounding almost defeated. The mattress dipped. Apparently Enrique had decided to sit down somewhere near Lauri’s head. Lauri just wanted him to go away. He knew where this was going and that Enrique wouldn’t like his answer so he opted for staying silent. He wished he could stop feeling this way. Stop feeling miserable and sorry for himself. He wished he knew how to tell Enrique that._

 

 

_“Lauri.”_

 

 

_Stop. Just stop. Please stop._

 

 

_“Yes, Mom!” Lauri snapped, knowing his voice was dripping with sarcasm, knowing how Enrique hated it when he did that, but he couldn’t stop himself. The hurt in Enrique’s eyes still stings though and he hates himself a little for it. More than a little. But lashing out was the only way he could stop himself from crying again. Lauri was so tired of crying. Tired of feeling pathetic and stupid and not in control of his emotions. Not in control of anything._

 

 

_“You are lying.” Enrique said, pointing out the obvious. Lauri didn’t know why Enrique asked in the first place. Did he want Lauri to feel ashamed at being called out? Did he want him to apologize? What did he expect Lauri to say? “You don’t even try.”_

 

 

_I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry._

 

 

_“Fine.” Lauri rolled onto his side, facing away from Enrique squinting as the sunlight coming through the window hit his eyes directly. “I’m lying. I didn’t go. So what?”_

 

 

_Being mean was easy. Simple. But the satisfaction tasted hollow and foul._

 

 

The what are you gonna do about it _went unspoken, just as the fact that Lauri did not just skip classes today but the whole week and the most part of the last. Enrique didn’t need to know that, Lauri is such a loser to him as it was, no need to make it worse, right?_

 

 

_“So what?” Enrique genuinely sounded disbelieving. “You are going to fail. That’s what. You cannot keep doing this!”_

 

 

_Funny. If Lauri didn’t know better he might actually believe Enrique was worried but it just pissed him off even more. Failing. Enrique worried about failing. Lauri wanted to scream._

 

 

_“Fuck you!” he lashes out glaring at Enrique in anger. “You don’t freaking understand, okay!”_

 

 

_And really how could he? How could someone as perfect as Enrique understand? Who had his life together since he could walk? Knew he wanted to become a pediatrician since before he could read and who worked for his dream unremitting, always a goal in mind, always motivated, unwavering._

 

 

_While Lauri never knew what he wanted to do with his life, didn’t know now. He didn’t have the luxury of having a childhood dream or goal. And every day that went by without that promised epiphany of_ You’ll figure out what you want to do just wait _made Lauri get more anxious. And bitter. So fucking bitter. Because he wanted to worry about this, wanted to plan his future, his future with Enrique but his head just felt so empty. Like past and future had somehow ceased to exit and all that existed now was the present moment, this undefinable feeling that has taken root in Lauri’s chest. Spreading its poison through everything. Because sadness hurts, Lauri had realized. Not just the emotional, mental way but also pure physical pain. He can feel it in his arms, his legs, his jaw, his quivering lips. And most of all in his chest. A dull ache that sometimes grows teeth._

 

 

_Lauri cannot remember the time where he didn’t feel like this at least not clearly, even though he knows there had been a_ before. _He knew that but now it was like everything had become faded and foggy somehow._

 

 

_He remembered how he used to lay in bed next to Enrique, wondering at 2 am about where they would be in one, five, ten years. How their life would be._

 

 

_Now even tomorrow felt like too much most days._

 

 

_“I hate this class! I hate it.” He half yelled “It’s boring and stupid and it makes me feel like even the air wants to die!”_

 

 

_He knew, he knew that wasn’t Enrique’s fault that it wasn’t Enrique’s fault that Lauri was such a useless mess, that he was unable to sort his emotions out, to just shut it all away and be the Lauri he was_ before, _the Lauri Enrique fell in love with._

 

 

_It_ _still felt good in a twisted kind of way to see Enrique flinch just a tiny bit at the harshness in his voice._

 

 

What the fuck is wrong with me?

 

 

_“Then why are you taking this class?” Enrique asked like it’s the easiest thing in the world, his voice almost gentle. It made Lauri feel sick, made the voice in his head even louder whispering, asking_ why is he still here? Why is he not hating you yet? He should. He should.

 

He will.

 

 

_“Maybe computer science isn’t your thing? We could talk to the student advisor again, figure something out and-“ Enrique suggested, reaching out to touch Lauri’s shoulder but Lauri shied away from the touch._

 

 

_“Oh fuck off, Enrique.” Lauri wanted to laugh, could feel it building up in his throat but not the fun kind, not the happy kind, he’s not sure if he knows how to do that anymore. The crazy kind, the harsh kind._

 

 

_Enrique looked hurt, letting his hand drop to his lap, but when he spoke his voice was still soft, not angry or hateful. Lauri didn’t get it._

 

 

_“I mean it, honey. Why don’t you go back to geography?” Enrique even smiled at that, showing off a watered down version of his trademark smile, a little duller, a little sadder, a little_ less. _“That was fun,_ _right? You liked it, remember?”_

 

 

_“Can’t” Lauri hated how meek his voice sounded suddenly, how pitiful he must seem to Enrique. “I can’t…The prof…she hated me. Would have failed me anyway.” He shrugged like it was not a big deal, like the reminder of his many failures didn’t make his skin crawl, made him want to tear it off with his bare nails. Like it wasn’t a lie. Like the thought of walking back into that classroom didn’t make him nauseous, made his stomach turn upside down._

 

 

_“You don’t know that. And she didn’t hate you I am sure. “Enrique said and he meant to sound uplifting, reassuring but to Lauri it felt likea slap in the face, because Enrique was right._

 

 

_She didn’t hate him._

 

 

_She didn’t hate him but god Lauri wished she did._

 

 

_“Screw you, you don’t know anything!” he yelled “You weren’t fucking there okay. So just believe me for once instead of backstabbing me!”_

 

 

_It hurt probably more than Enrique realized to have your boyfriend invalidate your feelings like that.  Telling him to go back there._

 

 

_Lauri could feel tears prickling in his eyes and he angrily wipes them away with the sleeve of his hoody._ Enrique’s hoody _._ _He didn’t remember when he last washed it._

 

 

_“I’m trying to help you, Lauri!” Enrique exclaimed, something like desperation and hurt written on his face “I’m not backstabbing! I’m trying here, don’t you see that? I want to help you but you don’t let me! All you do is lie in bed all day and mope and not do anything except being an arse to me! This is…”_

 

 

_He looked kind of defeated, his hands twitching helplessly, like he wanted to reach for Lauri again but didn’t know how, didn’t know if Lauri would let him. Lauri didn’t know either._

 

 

“ _Maybe you need_ real _help? The-“_

 

 

_Lauri wanted to scream and so he did. “I AM trying, okay! Enrique! I fucking am!” he dashes forward almost shoving Enrique off the bed. “And I don’t need HELP! What do you think I’m some fucking psycho just because I skipped class today? What the fuck, sometimes people just need a break!” Lauri hated the way his voice broke over those words, he wanted to showcase his anger wanted to get it all out, instead it just made him small and pathetic. “Just give me a fucking break. I am trying, I just…fuck…I… it’s not so easy for everyone.”_ Not everyone is like you.

 

 

_Enrique pressed his lips into a tight line nodding slightly taking in a shaky breath before turning to Lauri again. It had to be the light because Lauri was sure that glint in Enrique’s eyes couldn’t be tears._

 

 

_“…a break?” he asked quietly his voice trembling just slightly “…from…from me?”_

 

 

_It was like a mirror shattering into a thousand little pieces between them and Lauri suddenly didn’t care if he would cut himself on the pieces because the look Enrique’s face just broke his heart._

 

 

_He couldn’t get to the other boy fast enough, desperately clutching the collar of Enrique’s shirt, probably wrinkling it. “No!” he said “No, no, no!” For every No he kissed Enrique and it still didn’t feel enough. Lauri found Enrique’s eyes with his wishing he could make Enrique understand somehow because as always his words were failing him. “No Enrique. I- Not from you okay? Not from you. Please.”_

 

 

_Lauri didn’t even know what he was asking for._

 

 

_Enrique’s hand carefully curled around Lauri’s and they were so close Lauri could feel Enrique’s shaky breath on his skin. “I just don’t know what to think anymore, Lauri.” His touch was so tender Lauri didn’t know how he deserved it. “I just want to…support you but you push me away. You don’t talk to me, you don’t tell me what’s going on in your head. I’m not a mind reader, I- I don’t know what to do. Do you even want me here?”_

 

 

_And well, wasn’t that bizarre? How could someone like Enrique doubt his place in the life of someone like Lauri? Lauri would understand if he wanted to walk away, wanted to leave because he finally realized what a fuck up Lauri is, that he can do better, far better. But Enrique thinking Lauri wants him gone? That just didn’t make any sense._

 

 

_Lauri thought Enrique_ should _leave. That didn’t mean he_ wanted _him to._

 

 

_He was too selfish for that._

 

 

_“Yes, Enrique. Of course.” He kissed Enrique again, longer this time, trying to put as much feeling into the kiss as he could. Enrique needed to understand. “I promise I’ll be better. I promise.”_

 

 

_Lauri got up, running a hand through his messy hair, putting on what he hoped was a convincing smile “I’m sorry. I’ll…I’ll go to that stupid party with you, yeah? I’ll do it.”_

 

 

_He looked around on the floor trying to remember where he left his jeans until he spotted them on the ground next to Enrique’s feet. Lauri moved to pick them up but Enrique stopped him a careful smile on his lips that Lauri tried his best to mirror._

 

 

_“Maybe you should…take a shower first?” he suggested “I’ll call and say we’ll come a little later.”_

 

 

_Lauri’s smile dropped and he could feel a lump forming in his throat. He looked down on himself, suddenly feeling very self-conscious. He knew he didn’t look half as good as Enrique on a good day, he hadn’t checked his reflection in days._

 

 

How can he even stand to look at you?

 

 

_“Oh, yeah…” he said weakly, trying to smile it off, fumbling with the hem off his hoodie._

 

 

_“We could-“ Enrique bit his lip looking kind of hopeful. “Together…if you want to?”_

 

 

_“Shower together?” Lauri asked dumbly because surely he got it wrong. There is no way Enrique just asked that, but Enrique nodded in such a sweet enthusiastic way, a careful kind of hopefulness written all over his face. Lauri almost believed him._

 

 

_“Okay.”_

 

 

 

***

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well here is chapter 3 of this mess. I hope you guys like it (and if you do tell me!!!) :) I put a lot of work into this.
> 
> Thanks like always to Chikabow who somehow still puts up with me and this shit <3 love u.  
> And also great thanks to Succube who helped me a lot with this. My sister in darkness.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here it is. Your weekly dose of angsty shit.  
> For this chapter goes teh same as forr the other chapters before. I hope at this point things are already making more sense than in the beginning.  
> Please enjoy.

 

**_ Now _ **

 

**__ **

“You know what’s really stupid though?” Enrique gives Lauri a pained smile, his fingers fidgeting at the watch he’s wearing on his left wrist. “That I seriously thought you were going to come back. The first six months I waited for you. I kept your stuff. I kept our place, paying your share of the rent...” He shakes his head. “I thought that even you wouldn’t be that cold blooded, leaving a three year relationship behind without a second thought. Without… giving me a chance, giving me a choice. But like I said, you aren’t big on giving people choices…”

 

 

Enrique shrugs and Lauri can barely breathe. The words are bouncing back and forth in his head, creating images in his head that he would rather not see, not now, not when Enrique is still here in front of him, saying that he wished Lauri had come back, that he waited for him, that he had wanted a choice, an option. Something Lauri selfishly had never granted him.

 

 

“…like you could have forgiven me.” Lauri says under his breath. He is aware that it’s a lame attempt at finding an excuse, an explanation because it’s not going to be enough, not for Enrique, not after all this time. It’s just the same thing he told himself every night after that day he left until it started sounding hollow and dull.

 

 

“I deserved to choose!” Enrique suddenly burst out “Whether or not to forgive you! I deserved that choice. That was mine and you took it away from me and I-“ Enrique cuts himself off, taking a deep breath before continuing, calmer this time, seemingly embarrassed by his outburst. ”I didn’t understand why, why you would do that to me. But I guess I get it now. You didn’t want to be forgiven. You _wanted_ us to end.”

 

 

“…I…” Lauri wishes that he could deny it, could say something that would make Enrique or himself feel better but he can’t. It’s the truth. The sad and painful truth that Lauri brought this on himself, that ultimately it was his choice, his call, his fucked up inability to figure things out without hurting himself and others. “I didn’t…think I deserved your forgiveness. “Lauri says truthfully avoiding to look at Enrique until he is sure his eyes are dry, at least for the moment. “I was…I was trying to do the right thing? …God that sounds pretty lame.”

 

 

He tries to laugh but Enrique just stares at him and this time Lauri sees it before Enrique can blink them away. There are tears in his eyes.

 

 

“Screw you, Lauri.” He hisses but it has less venom, less edge than before. “Screw the right thing. You broke my fucking heart.”

 

 

And the thing is he does, he does look heartbroken. Still, even after all those years, the Enrique in front of Lauri has _heart break_ written all over his face in bright scarlet letters. It hurts so much Lauri wants to look away, turn away, but he can’t, he did this, he caused this pain, slashed those wounds and now in an act of selfishness he ripped them back open again, making them bleed all over them.

 

 

“…I hate myself for that, you know?” Lauri offers even though he knows it’s in vain by the look on Enrique’s face before he is even done speaking “For what I did to you.”

 

 

“Well...” Enrique lets himself sink down onto one of the chairs “at least we have that in common left.” It doesn’t even sound angry anymore, just defeated and sad.

 

 

It still hurts though, Enrique saying, implying that he hates Lauri even though Lauri had expected nothing less. Actually hearing it, is different and Lauri has to bite his lip, briefly looking at his feet before sliding into a chair in front of Enrique, just the desk now separating them.

 

 

“I understand it” Lauri mumbles. _I deserve it._ “I…wasn’t fair to you.”

 

 

“Fair.” Enrique repeats flatly before his eyes flash up to Lauri again. “Nothing you did was fair. You cheated on me, Lauri! Every goddamn day you were in my face with your sick jealousy and mistrust, accusing me, blaming me and then you-“

 

 

He cuts himself off, his chest rising and falling quickly, like he just ran ten miles. The look on Enrique’s face, the storm of emotions visible in his eyes, it’s like a memory come to life. It’s like a replay of that that day six years ago when Lauri had confessed to Enrique. He’d  come home in the early hours of the morning after having disappeared all night, wearing another man’s shirt, smelling like alcohol and crying like he had lost his mind.

 

 

_I slept with somebody_ , Lauri had said, just like that, no warning, no hello, no sitting down. Just those four words.

 

 

Lauri thinks he could still recall each sentence from that fight if he tried, but it’s not the words that haunted him the most. It has been the look of complete and utter betrayal in Enrique’s eyes, the pain in his voice. The burning self-hatred Lauri himself had felt.

 

 

“Pretty fucking ironic, don’t you think?” Enrique says quietly. “I never, in a million years saw that coming.”

 

 

 

***

 

 

**_ 2nd April, 6 years ago _ **

 

_“Already done? “ Lauri asked casually, taking another sip from the cup in his hand, feeling the alcohol burn down his throat, letting his legs dangle off the balcony edge. He could feel the cold of the metal poles seeping through the fabric of his jeans. April nights weren’t very warm apparently._

 

 

_He could hear Enrique pushing the balcony door shut behind himself again, giving them some sort of illusion of privacy from the ongoing party inside._

 

 

_“What do you mean?” Enrique asked smiling at Lauri as he sat down next to him, his eyes shining bright, the slight flush on his cheeks proving that he was at least a little bit buzzed._

 

 

_Lauri rolled his eyes letting out a cold forced laugh. Like Enrique didn’t know full well what Lauri was talking about. The whole evening he had been flaunting himself around, laughing and flirting with what felt like everyone. Always that charming smile and those deliberate touches on arms and shoulders. It made Lauri sick._

 

 

_“You already done getting your dick sucked?” Lauri elaborated in a mocking tone, like the words weren’t acid in his mouth, like the image itself wasn’t enough for Lauri to want to claw his eyes out._

 

 

_“What?” Enrique looked at him more perplexed than anything else. “What are you talking about, Lauri?”  He leaned over taking the almost empty cup from Lauri’s hands. He sniffed, twisting his face at Lauri._

 

 

_“How much did you have of this? And what the hell is this anyway?”_

 

 

_“Uh Vodka. And-“ Lauri tried to recall what else he put in there but he couldn’t remember it, maybe he was more drunk than he had thought, but it wasn’t like he couldn’t handle his liquor. “Whatever.” He_ _batted his hand ignoring Enrique’s disapproving glance. “She sucked you good? Bet she did with those pretty pink lips, right?”_

 

 

_“Lauri what-“Enrique cut himself off, realization dawning on his face. He carefully put the cup aside, clearing his throat. “Babe, Dani is just a friend. We were just talking, catching up a bit. Nothing happened. We didn’t even leave the living room.”_

 

 

_“She’s not a friend. She’s your ex.” Lauri hissed as he tried to make a grab for his cup but Enrique had placed it just out of reach. Arse. Lauri glared at him._

 

 

_“Oh my god. She gave me a hand job. One time, ages ago. Before you and I happened. No need to be jealous. You are the only one here I want hand jobs from.” He even winked, trying to generate something like a playful mood but Lauri just pressed his lips together and shook his head._

 

 

_How could he expect Enrique to understand?_

 

 

_“You think I like feeling like this?” he spit out, “You think I enjoy this? You think this is fun? No need to be jealous haha.”_

 

 

_Lauri hated the sound of his own fake laughter, hated the way Enrique frowned at him like he was crazy, like he was making shit up._

 

 

_“She was fucking hitting on you and you flirted back. I saw it so don’t lie to me.” Lauri got up wrapping his arms around himself. “Don’t treat me like I’m stupid.” He added as an afterthought._

 

 

_Enrique sighed, rubbing his forehead. “We were doing small talk, okay? There was no flirting. From neither of us. Please believe me. She was just being friendly and so was I. No big deal. And besides even if she was flirting with me and I am not saying she was, I happen to be taken as you know. So it does not matter.”_

 

 

_“She wants to fuck you.” Lauri hissed still ignoring Enrique’s attempts on lightning the mood._

 

 

_Of course Enrique didn’t understand, of course he didn’t take it seriously, humiliating Lauri like this, making him feel like a lunatic._

 

 

_Enrique threw his hands up in an exasperated fashion. “And what if she does? It doesn’t matter because there is NOTHING going to happen! Because I am with you.”_

 

 

_He tried to reach for Lauri but Lauri recoiled taking a step back. He didn’t think he could stand Enrique touching him right now._

 

 

_“I hate this, you know.” He said, aware of how spiteful he sounded “Sitting here, watching everybody throwing themselves at you, trying to get into your pants. And you-“ he pointed angrily at Enrique “You being so goddamn nice. Feels fucking great. Really fucking neato. And I- I just stand there like an idiot and I can’t even tell them to fuck off. Because officially,” Lauri made quotation marks in the air with his fingers. “you are on the market. Eligible bachelor number 1. Congratulations.”_

 

 

_He turned to leave then, his face flushed with anger and embarrassment from his outburst, but Enrique’s hand wrapping around his wrist stopped him. Enrique looked at him intently and for a moment something flashed on his face, something wild and sad but it’s gone as quick as it came and Lauri didn’t know if maybe it was just the alcohol messing with his brain after all._

 

 

_“You could always tell them, you know?” Enrique said quietly, sounding entirely serious “Tell everyone I am yours. Because I_ am.”

 

 

_“Haha. Funny guy Enrique. Haha.” Lauri rolled his eyes, trying his best to not let it show on his face how much it hurt but Enrique stepped forward, putting his hands on Lauri’s shoulders._

 

 

_“I mean it, honey. I told you before. Let’s just do it. Tell at least our friends, tell them we are together. They wouldn’t mind.” He smiled briefly, rubbing soothing circles with his thumbs onto Lauri’s skin. “I could hold your hand, Lauri. I want that so much. Not just when we are alone at our place but always. I want to hold your hand right now. We could sit together during Paul’s movie nights. We could even cuddle, you know how I get during sad films.”_

 

 

_That almost made Lauri smile. Enrique was such a sap, always got so emotional during movies, always feeling everything a thousand times fold for the characters. He has countless memories of cuddling up with Enrique under a blanket, in the comfort and safety of their own apartment, watching movie after movie, laughing at Enrique for crying over stupid chick flics and laughing with him until their cheeks hurt over complete trash movies. He didn’t understand why that couldn’t be enough for Enrique._

 

 

_“I could kiss you right now.” Enrique looked at him longingly and for a split second Lauri feared Enrique might actually do it, kiss him right here on Maurice’s balcony, in front of a glass door for everyone to see. He had to fight every instinct in his body not to push Enrique’s hands off of him, not to bring an extra meter of space between them. He just didn’t understand how Enrique could be such a smart amazing person but still so unbelievably stupid._

 

 

_“Bullshit!” he spits. “Not gonna happen. No way, Enrique. I’m not- I- I’m not ready for this. I can’t. I told you I can’t. I won’t.”_

 

 

_He felt like fucking parrot, this conversation, this argument, this whole coming out thing, it wasn’t a new topic. Again and again Enrique brought it up, making Lauri feel worse and worse every time he refused, every time he said no._

 

 

_Lauri knew one time it would be one too many, the last straw and Enrique would finally be fed up with how big of a coward Lauri really was. He just hoped it would take a little while longer._

 

 

_Enrique looked hurt, not surprised but still hurt, his shoulders sacked slightly, no trace of that radiant smile Lauri loved so much left on his face. In moments like this Lauri didn’t even remember how it looked like, didn’t remember how to smile himself._

 

 

_“We’ve been together for three years.” Enrique pointed out halfheartedly. He made this argument before and it’s not like Lauri didn’t know how long it has been he’s been giving Enrique the same answer over and over again like a broken record._

 

 

_“I…I don’t want to lie anymore. “ Enrique shrugs helplessly, looking more than a little lost. Lost and sad. “You are making me lie, Lauri. To my mom, to my friends. That’s what I hate, what makes me feel like shit.”_

 

 

_“I’m not ready.” Lauri whispered. He wanted to yell, wanted to scream, but there were people inside, said friends Enrique was talking about. He could already feel their eyes on him even though no one was looking, burning holes into his skin like cigarettes.  “I’m just not.” I am sorry “Don’t make me.”_ please _“You gotta- you gotta wait. Just wait. I’m not ready.”_

 

 

_“When?” Is all Enrique said and, god how Lauri dreaded that question. He had lain awake at night for hours wondering how after all this time Enrique was still there, was still patient. He remembered crying, remembered taking a midnight shower because he couldn’t stand the humiliating tears on his face._

 

 

_“When Lauri?” Enrique repeated but he didn’t look like he expected an answer. He looked tired. “I want to wait. I AM waiting. But give me a when, please.  Because I need to know. I can’t wait for something that won’t ever happen. That’s something I can’t do. What if I can’t wait?” He exhaled letting his head hang for a moment before resuming eye contact again “What about me? I don’t want to be in the closet forever. I don’t want that. For you or for me. I-“ He looked around like he could find the right words in the air between them. But there was nothing. Lauri wrapped his arms around himself again, it was getting cold._

 

 

_“Give me some kind of time frame or something? Something tangible, something more than just ‘I’m not ready’. Please Lauri you owe me that.”_

 

 

_“Don’t!” Lauri almost made a step forward. “Don’t do this, Enrique.” He hated how desperate he sounded. His chest felt so tight a little like he was underwater, not being able to breathe properly. “No Ultimatum, please.” He pleaded. “Don’t do this to me. That’s not how it fucking works. We aren’t in a movie! There are no big confessions, and speeches and grand gestures! If you force me, I’ll fucking kill myself.”_

 

 

_Fuck. No. No. He didn’t mean to say that._

 

 

_Enrique’s eyes snapped up to Lauri’s and Lauri didn’t know how to read what he saw in them. Didn’t know what to make of the tone in Enrique’s voice._

 

 

_“Don’t just say shit like that.” Enrique said and it seemed like he had to force the words out. “You can’t just say- Don’t say that again. Ever.”_

 

 

_Lauri just lifted an eyebrow, he could feel his eyes getting wet, hating his body for betraying him like that. “I say whatever the fuck I want. You know there was a time where you actually liked that about me.” it came out more mocking than intended but it didn’t matter there was already anger flashing up in Enrique’s usually so kind eyes._

 

 

_“Well forgive me for not being ecstatic for my boyfriend threatening su-“_

 

 

_Lauri flinched at Enrique’s raised voice and it actually made Enrique halt but he didn’t look sorry, not even as Lauri gestured towards the room filled with people behind them._

 

 

_“What? Scared they will hear? That I called you my boyfriend? That’s what you still are though, right?”_

 

 

_Lauri stayed silent, because yes. The answer was yes and he knew that wasn’t what Enrique wanted to hear. He stared at his feet, scared of what he might see in Enrique’s eyes._

 

 

_“Are you?”_

 

 

_The words felt like a slap to the face._

 

 

_“…yes…” Lauri replied eventually, biting his lip._

 

 

_“You know that it hurts, right?” Enrique said quietly his voice suddenly void of any anger. He just sounded upset. “When you_ admit _it like it’s some sort of burden to you…It hurts. “_

 

 

_“Would be easier though, wouldn’t it?”_ If I wasn’t your boyfriend. If there wasn’t an us. _Lauri said wanting to bite his tongue the same seconds the words were out. It wasn’t that he didn’t mean it, he just didn’t plan on saying it out loud._

 

 

_“I don’t WANT easy, Lauri!”_

 

 

_Suddenly Enrique was in front of him again, so much closer than before, looking to meet his eyes, pleading. “I want you. I love you and I’m pretty sure you still love me too. I just- I don’t know what I’m doing wrong.”_

 

 

_Lauri wanted to hide his face behind his hands but instead he just blinked the tears away that threatened to fall. “You don’t get it, Enrique.” He said, failing to keep his voice steady. “You think everything is so easy and everyone is as kind as you are. But that’s not how the world works. That’s not how people are and you are just being too naïve to see that. People are horrible. They say horrible things and they do horrible things! I-“ he swallowed having to look away briefly “Remember the supermarket? Three years ago, where I-“_

 

 

_“Where you told me you loved me, for the first time?” Enrique offered hesitantly and Lauri nodded._

 

 

_“Yeah. You kissed me there. Right there in the store. You said everything would be fine, no one would see, no one would care. And I fucking believed you.” He can’t help the bitterness in his voice, tainting what once was a happy memory. “The next day, the next fucking day Christoph told me he saw us kissing. He saw, Enrique! And you know the best thing was him asking me how much I_ payed _you! Yeah, payed. Because the only way he could imagine someone like you kissing someone like me, was for fucking money! Like you were some sort of hooker or something. Can you even imagine how that felt?”_

 

 

_He didn’t wait for an answer. “It fucking sucks!”_

 

 

_Enrique didn’t say anything so after a while Lauri added, when he could trust his voice again “I told him it was some sort of bet by the way. So.” He shrugged “There is that.”_

 

 

_“I…” Enrique looked around , maybe searching for words again, Lauri didn’t know, didn’t have the energy to care. “I’m sure he didn’t mean it like that.” Enrique said weakly and Lauri wondered if he even convinced himself. “He was probably just joking and-“_

 

 

_“You are doing it again!” Lauri burst out before he could stop himself feeling a sudden rush of anger inside him again “Why don’t you ever just believe me! It’s like you always have to know better! You don’t! You don’t know better! You fucking don’t.”_

 

 

_“I would rather be your whore than anyone else’s boyfriend.” Enrique said keeping his voice low, seemingly calm._

 

 

_It was frustrating, this push and pull, back and forth, between them._

 

 

“ _Don’t fucking_ Titanic _me._ _This is not a goddamn movie for fucks sake. This is your life, Enrique!” Lauri yelled, from the corner of his eye he could see people inside turning heads and he cursed himself for not being in better control of his emotions.  He was acting like a child, yelling, throwing a tantrum. He was pathetic._

 

 

_“I mean it, Lauri.” Enrique insists “I’d go back in there and kiss you in front of everyone right now. I don’t care, I don’t care what any of them think.”_

 

 

_Lauri wanted to cry with frustration, wanted to throw something against a wall, wanting something to shatter, to hurt._

 

 

_“That’s the whole fucking problem, don’t you see? You don’t care. You don’t care and you don’t get that the rest of the world does!”  He exhaled, inhaled. Once, twice. “And I told you I don’t want that. I want to go home. I shouldn’t have come here. This was a stupid idea. You shouldn’t have made me.”_

 

 

_Lauri was already half way through the door when he heard Enrique’s hushed voice._

 

 

_“Please don’t go.” He said._

 

 

_Lauri almost turned back around. The words_ Don’t stay _already on the tip of his tongue. He didn’t know if he could bear talking to Enrique tonight but feeling his arms around him, his soft breath tickling the back of Lauri’s neck, he wanted that. He didn’t know if there could ever be a time he wouldn’t want that._

 

 

_Lauri couldn’t sleep without Enrique there, not properly, couldn’t for quite some time now. The thing is Lauri always got cold easily, always had freezing feet and icy fingers but Enrique was his warmth, even in the deepest December he radiated some kind of heat that kept both him and Lauri warm underneath their covers. Even in Winter Enrique rarely slept with a shirt on._

 

 

_When he came home that night, slipped into bed next to Lauri he kept his shirt on, he didn’t wrap his arms around Lauri. Maybe he doesn’t want to wake me, Lauri hoped, even though he knew it was a foolish, stupid thing to think._

 

 

He doesn’t want to touch me.

 

 

_That was more like it._

 

 

_He could turn around though, could be the one initiating contact, touching the other boy, giving comfort and for a moment Lauri almost did. But his body didn’t move. He felt heavy like a stone, like his one weight pulled him down, making it hard to breath._

 

 

_He fell asleep shivering that night._

 

 

 

***

 

 

 

**_ Now _ **

 

“…Well…for what it’s worth…” Lauri says hesitantly but Enrique cuts him off with just one glance.

 

 

“Don’t” he says and it sounds half like a plea, half like a command “Don’t say you are sorry.”

 

 

There are words Enrique doesn’t say, Lauri can see it in the way he presses his lips together quickly and looks away. A small part of Lauri wonders what kind of words they are, mean ones most likely, poisonous and savage.

 

 

But there is also an even tinier part, hidden in an aching corner of Lauri’s heart that disagrees. There is a miraculously stubborn hope hidden away there, whispering that maybe Enrique can’t stand him apologizing because for some irrational reason he still has it in him to forgive Lauri.

 

 

It surprises Lauri that even after all this time, after all that has happened he still managed to hold onto this idea. That it hasn’t wilted away over the years, forgotten and neglected. 

 

 

“…I am though. I am sorry” Lauri says carefully, pretending not to see the way Enrique’s hand twitches on the table, almost like he wants to reach out. Almost. “I…I couldn’t sort out my own mess and I took it out on you instead of just…just talking to you.”

 

 

_I am now though,_ he adds in his mind, _talking to you. Like I should have years ago._

 

 

Lauri knows he is not doing a very good job at it but he _is_ trying, he is making an effort even though it’s so incredibly hard and he hopes a part of Enrique recognizes that. Perhaps even appreciates it.

 

 

Enrique pulls his hands in his lap letting the silence between them linger for a while. Maybe it’s deliberate, maybe it’s just him searching for words.

 

 

“I still don’t understand why.” Enrique ends up saying, rubbing a hand over his mouth, shaking his head. “I don’t get it. We were happy, Lauri. We were so happy and then suddenly-” he snaps his fingers “-suddenly you were just-“

 

 

Lauri can barely find his voice. What comes out is hardly more than a whisper “…doing my best to carwreck us?”

 

 

“Yeah.” Is all Enrique says in response.

 

 

“I...” Lauri begins but then pauses, trying to collect his thoughts. It’s difficult for him, getting everything in order, finding the right words. It’s his instinct to lie, to evade, to not say anything at all, but for some reason he can’t. Not anymore. The air around them feels different somehow and when Lauri takes in a deep breath, he feels his chest tighten a little bit. “…it turned out to be depression, you know? I am- was depressed.”

 

 

It is nothing to be ashamed of. Lauri knows that, but he still can’t stop himself from looking down, face flush with embarrassment. He’s battled these irrational thoughts for so long he thought he had them under control but now looking at Enrique’s expression shifting it all comes bubbling back up.

 

 

“...I figured.” Enrique says eventually. Lauri can see him swallow. “I mean I…suspected it, but… I couldn’t figure out why?” he looks almost apologetic. “I still can’t.”

 

 

Lauri manages to smile, he doesn’t want Enrique to feel guilty, to blame himself for something that wasn’t his fault or for not noticing. “There isn’t always a “why’ with depression. At least that’s what my therapist told me.” he shrugs, acting like it’s a normal thing to say, that it isn’t another confession that costs him enormous amounts of strength.

 

 

Dr. Andersson had said it with the exact same words and tone, a kind compassionate smile on her face.

 

 

_‘_ There isn’t always a _why’_

 

 

And Lauri had laughed a forced and hollow laugh because yes, maybe that was true, she was the doctor after all, with numerous degrees in psychology, but that just wasn’t the case for him. because sometimes there is a _why._ It took weeks until he had been ready to tell her that though.

 

 

“I know. I know that. I…” Enrique’s voice trails off into silence and he looks down onto the table for a while. When his eyes find Lauri’s again they are dry. “You are seeing a therapist? …that’s good.”

 

 

“It’s not like you care though?” Lauri replies, his voice soft despite the seemingly harsh words. “Since you hate me and all that.” It’s his way of giving Enrique a way out. He can see that the shift in the atmosphere is making Enrique uncomfortable. Well, maybe not uncomfortable but some kind of uneasiness has settled over him. He looks like he is unsure what to do with himself.

 

 

Enrique doesn’t take it.

 

 

“Why didn’t you let me get you help?” he asks “back when…”

 

 

_There was still an ‘us’ to be saved?_

 

 

“I don’t know.” Lauri admits and it’s the truth. Even now, looking back he doesn’t have an explanation for everything, for what he did or didn’t do. It’s all a little hazy, feels like walking through knee deep muddy water. “I wish I had though.” He whispers looking at Enrique through his eyelashes “I guess I…I guess I needed to hit rock-bottom first.”

 

 

“Rock-bottom?” That seems to do something to Enrique because a scowl finds its way on his face and his voice suddenly has a certain hardness to it “You hit rock bottom when you didn’t get out of bed for a week, when you stopped eating and started drinking instead, when you cut all of your friends out of your life. You hit rock-bottom when you goddamn cheated on me.”

 

 

“…No, Enrique.” Lauri can feel tears prickling in his eyes so he tries to wipe them away with his sleeves. He really wishes Enrique was right. His lips tremble when he speaks. “I hit rock-bottom when I deliberately took an overdose of sleeping pills with a bottle of vodka in my grandparents’ guestroom.”

 

 

Silence.

 

 

There is a split second where Lauri thinks Enrique might play it off as a joke again but something in his eyes must stop him because suddenly Enrique’s face goes blank and then incredibly pale. Maybe  it’s the realization that maybe Lauri isn’t joking this time, that he never was. 

 

 

It’s probably on repeat in Enrique’s head right now, all the times Lauri has said it as an off handed comment like something that’s totally normal, all the times Enrique ignored it, didn’t take it seriously, because he couldn’t see how far gone Lauri really was.

 

 

The thing is looking back Lauri himself cannot pinpoint the exact moment when the idea of killing himself had turned from frightening into something he actually considered an option. A way out, an emergency exit to escape that dark place his mind has become.

 

 

How could Lauri blame Enrique for that? For something he himself only realized when it had been too late.

 

 

Well, _almost_ too late.

 

 

Enrique is looking away, rubbing a hand over his eyes and Lauri can hear him taking deep shaky breaths, like he is trying to calm himself, keeping it together. Lauri knows that feeling.

 

 

_It’s not your fault._ Lauri wants to say but he isn’t sure whether or not it would just make things worse for Enrique.

 

 

Enrique clears his throat after a while. “…that’s why you-“ he breaks off just making a vague hand gesture but Lauri gets it.

 

 

“Why I don’t drink anymore? Yes.” he offers Enrique a small smile. “After I…did that I…got institutionalize and yeah…got therapy and everything…”

 

 

“You can’t…can’t stay stuff like that..” Enrique mumbles but it’s only a weak echo from what it was before now that they both know the meaning it carries.

 

 

“I thought you might want the truth for once.” Lauri answers quietly as Enrique averts his gaze.

 

 

“I do.” He says nevertheless, nodding slowly. “But now-“ he chuckles like he is about to say something, except it’s a sad kind of chuckles that makes Lauri’s chest ache. “But now I want to hug you and that’s- I can’t do that.”

 

 

“You…” Lauri is searching for the right words but he isn’t sure there are any. He is feeling as lost as Enrique looks. “You can hug me. It’s okay. It doesn’t mean anything.”

 

 

Enrique shakes his head before Lauri is even done talking crossing and uncrossing his arms as he bites his lip. “No.” he says a little too quickly “No I can’t. Because if I…do that…then there’s nothing stopping me from wanting to kiss you and that’s-  No. Damn you. I’m angry at you. Fucking Angry. That’s the only way I can deal with you being here.”

 

 

Lauri smiles, offering Enrique a small smile “Hating me makes it bearable?”

 

 

Enrique just nods.

 

 

 

***

 

 

**_ 30th march, 9 years ago _ **

**__ **

 

_“Which one do you want?“ Enrique held two cornflake boxes up, one in each hand. “Death by sugar and artificial flavors made in china? Or Healthy to the point of complete loss of taste and happiness?”_

 

 

_Enrique grinned and wiggled his eyebrows and Lauri couldn’t help the smile creeping onto his face. The other boy looked so ridiculous, in brightly colored swimming trunks and flip flops, wearing his stupid base cap backwards. He looked like a complete idiot. But Lauri guessed you were allowed to look like that at 5 am in a 24h supermarket after pulling an all night study session. By now they probably had more caffeine in their veins than blood._

 

 

_Lauri felt dead on his feet and parts of his brain were screaming for him to just lay down and finally go to sleep but he didn’t. Instead he and Enrique had decided to get some groceries for a reason Lauri could not recall._

 

 

_It didn’t matter anyway. He’d rather be here with Enrique standing between cereal and a hundred different coffee brands, in sweatpants and a t-shirt he should have thrown away years ago, than be anywhere else in the world._

 

 

_The thought alone was ridiculous and Lauri still couldn’t quite believe how warm and giddy he felt just looking at this stupid perfect person in front of him._

 

 

_He rocked back and forth on his heels pretending to think, tabbing his chin thoughtfully._

 

 

_“I want them both.” He exclaimed eventually smirking at Enrique who laughed out loud._

 

 

_“You can’t take both, Lauri. It’s like saying both Darth Vader and Obi-Wan are your favorites. It doesn’t work like that.” He pointed out putting on a stern face. At the same time he dropped both boxes into the shopping cart causing Lauri to grin victoriously._

 

 

_“I tell you how it works.” Lauri said putting on his serious face, which would have probably been more impressive if he didn’t look like a zombie half way back to life with shadows under his eyes and a dark blue beanie hiding the mess that was his hair._

 

 

_“I will take both of those.” He pointed at the cornflakes “Sugary death and Hipster Health Inferno and mix them together in a giant bowl and-“_

 

 

_Enrique toppled over with laughter barely holding onto the shopping cart it made Lauri giggle too. It was ridiculous what being sleep deprived could do to someone’s sense of humor._

 

 

_“Hey!” he protested “I wasn’t done, you dick! Listen to me.”_

 

 

_“I can’t, I am sorry!” Enrique grinned up at Lauri from where he had decided to sit down in the middle of the aisle._

 

 

_Lauri rolled his eyes, nudging Enrique’s knee with the tip of his sneakers. “Jeez, you are so annoying. Can’t even pay attention for ten seconds. And here I was ready to let you in on my super-secret cereal involving plans for world domination.” He let out an exaggerated sigh, which made Enrique’s smile even bright, beaming up fondly at Lauri._

 

 

_“You love it.” Enrique teased, stretching out his legs, like he was at home on his couch not on the floor of a supermarket aisle._

 

 

_“I love you.”_

 

 

_Enrique’s eyes went wide and the expression on his face froze before he slowly got to his feet again. The corner of his mouth curled upwards as he tilted his head “Say that again.”_

 

 

_Lauri blushed but raised his eyebrows challengingly even though he couldn’t stop the smile from creeping on his face. “What, you deaf now too?”_

 

 

_It was easier like this, playing it down, pretending it wasn’t a big deal, saying ‘I love you’ for the first time. It’s been 3 months since they became a couple, three and a half months since they did it for the first time._

 

 

_And now Lauri had popped the L word._

 

 

_Lauri had thought about it for a while, had known it for a while, had mulled it over in his head over and over again. He had wondered  if he should make it a big confession, a scene like in the movies Enrique liked so much or just casually say it at the end of a phone call or something. He hadn’t planned on blurting it out like this with only half his brain awake. Still, he was unable to keep himself from grinning as he repeated his words from before. This time slower and stretched out._

 

 

_“I. love. You. “_

 

 

_Enrique’s grin was so bright, if they were in a comic Lauri would put on his sunglasses now. Enrique stepped forward putting his arms around Lauri’s shoulders, locking their eyes._

 

 

_“Say that again.” Enrique demanded grinning from ear to ear, his fingers playing with the little bit of hair in Lauri’s neck sticking out from underneath the beanie._

 

 

_Lauri let out a fake sigh, pretending to be annoyed “I love you. I love you. I love you, you stupid idiot will you shut up now?”_

 

 

_Enrique held up one finger, pressing a quick kiss onto Lauri’s lips. “One thing.” He said ignoring the way Lauri glanced left and right checking if someone was watching them “I love you too.”_

 

_Then he kissed him again and Lauri didn’t think he had ever been as happy as right in that moment._

 

 

 

***

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really hope you liked chapter 4. This fic is my baby sso please tell me what you think, what you liked, etc. I need comments they give me life and energy <3
> 
> Big thanks to Succube. Without you this fic wouldn't be half as good as it (hopefully) is. Love you :))
> 
> I do not own any person(s) or brand(s) mentioned in this piece. This is a work of fiction and is meant to be read as such.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this chapter is so late but none of you seemed to have noticed (or at least that's what my attention seeking brain is trying to make me think) but it's here now anyway and that's what matters <3  
> i really hope you like it and don't hate me too much.

**_ Now _ **

 

“Who was it?” Enrique asks quietly and Lauri knows he should have expected it but somehow the question still catches him off-guard. He swallows and looks down onto his hands, fumbling at the hem of his sleeve again. It’s an understandable question. Of course Enrique wants to know. 6 years ago Lauri didn’t give Enrique the chance to ask, didn’t allow him any form of closure, had left him with nothing but some vague statements and unclear insinuations.

 

And Enrique had held onto that uncertainty, onto all of those unanswered questions. There are many of them Lauri is sure, this one is just the most urgent, the one that must have burned the most about this betrayal. It must have bugged Enrique for days, weeks, maybe even months after Lauri left. It’s what people usually ask, when they are cheated on, right? Lauri has seen it on TV, in movies, in books. It’s always who and why? Who is usually easier to answer despite being the more loaded question. The babysitter, the secretary, the best friend, the guy next door. It’s always something like that. Something simple. At least in fiction. Lauri wants to have a simple answer too, but if there ever was one, it’s too late for that now.

 

“Who was what?” Lauri replies weakly even though they both know what he is talking about.

 

 10 minutes ago Enrique would have made a snide remark, would have snapped at Lauri for this halfhearted evasion, but now he just waits patiently even though Lauri recognizes the line between his eyebrows as sign of nervousness. Maybe Enrique is a little bit scared of the answer too. Lauri hates that it’s rightfully so.

 

When Lauri doesn’t answer, doesn’t add anything, even after several moments have passed, Enrique speaks again.

 

“I’ve been thinking about it a lot, more than I am willing to admit,” he smiles, his voice sounds mostly steady. “You never said who.  You said that you had sex with somebody. But you didn’t tell me with whom.” He pauses for a moment before locking eyes with Lauri again. “Who you screwed our relationship over for? I mean was it worth it?” a sad laugh escapes his mouth and Lauri looks down, feeling his cheeks burn with shame. “I kept thinking about it. Kept wondering. Still do. Even now.”

 

A part of Lauri wants to ask why, why _even now,_ why it still matters. But the other part of him knows and it’s not his turn to ask questions anyway. He owes Enrique this. He owes him the truth.

 

It would be so easy to lie though, just make up a story, just find a loophole in the question, sidestep it somehow. It’s burning on the tip of Lauri’s tongue but he remains quiet, pressing his lips shut. The time for lying is over.

 

“You know…” Enrique manages a half-smile “…in the beginning I thought it was Alvar. That you cheated on me with him.”

 

This takes Lauri by surprise and it must show on his face because Enrique raises his hands in an exaggerated ‘no offense’ way before that expression of sorrow returns on his face.

 

“Why would you think-“ Lauri cuts himself off, clears his throat, he never saw Alvar in that way. He wonders how much Enrique knows, “Me and Alvar-“

 

“Because you two were close.” Enrique explains. “You know, before you started to shut everyone out. And that morning when you came home and told me that you…., well you were gone all night and then you came home, telling me you had cheated on me, and you were wearing his T-Shirt. You were wearing Alvar’s T-shirt. It wasn’t that farfetched honestly.”

 

He sounds a little defensive and Lauri would find it endearing if they were talking about something else, something less serious than the end of their relationship and if he didn’t feel so thrown off. 

 

The thing is, Lauri didn’t remember those details until now. He had completely blocked them out. But now they were coming back, the memories, the details, himself on Alvar’s bathroom floor, throwing up, getting vomit all over himself. His friend offering him some clothes and a place to sleep for the night. Himself crying and yelling.

 

Lauri had never really thought about it, how it must have looked to Enrique, what conclusions he must have drawn from the picture that had presented itself in front of him. Lauri had only ever known his side of the story, his own point of view. Enrique’s part had been filled in by his imagination until now.

 

But every story has two sides and now Enrique is telling parts of his.

 

It feels unreal somehow though, to hear Enrique say those things, it doesn’t feel like it’s him that it’s really him Enrique is talking about. Lauri knows it’s the truth though by the tone in his voice, it’s so familiar, so honest, it makes it hurt even more. Enrique wouldn’t lie, not about this.

 

“It was easy, you know. Thinking it was Alvar.” Enrique continues even though it’s more than obvious on his face that this is far from easy for him too “because like this I could tell myself that you had loved him, that you hadn’t just fucked us over for a random fuck with some faceless stranger in a seedy bar or something.” He shrugs and lets out a laugh. It’s to hide the pain, Lauri muses; because even if Enrique tried to pretend it wasn’t, the hurt is written all over his face and it makes the guilt Lauri feels burning in his chest even worse. He’s so tired of feeling guilty.

 

“I didn’t sleep with, Alvar.” Lauri says truthfully after a moment of hesitation. He can feel his heartbeat quicken in his chest and the urge to run away stirs once again, because he knows where this conversation is headed, what he will have to admit sooner or later. He doesn’t want to see the look in Enrique’s eyes, doesn’t want to have to see his reaction. Lauri had years to come to term with it all. It feels wrong to drop it all on Enrique like this but he hasn’t found a better, gentler way yet and he cannot put it off any longer either.

 

Enrique just nods, his face showing no sign of surprise. “I know” he says quietly. “A few days after you…left, Alvar showed up at our place. He said that he was worried about you. He said…He said he knew about us.”

 

There is a tiny hint of faint anger in Enrique’s tone when he says that. Lauri guesses it’s because of the betrayal, Lauri just telling someone about them even though he had denied Enrique doing just that so many times, but that’s not important now, that’s not what Enrique wants answers for. Not right now.

 

Lauri feels like he should say something but he can’t. This is all new to him, these are things he never knew happened, Alvar showing up at their apartment, worrying about Lauri, talking to Enrique, this all had happened after Lauri had left.

 

It’s stupid to feel like this, he isn’t dumb, of course the world kept on turning and time didn’t freeze and life went on, not weeks or months after Lauri had left but the very second. There hadn’t been some kind of tasteful cinematic cut, flashing forward to a few months later, skipping the first days or whatever. Lauri had walked out on the life they had had. Enrique hadn’t.

 

Time was a strange thing.

 

Enrique clears his throat for what feels like the hundredth time. It must be hard for him to talk about this too, Lauri realizes.  It’s may be the first time he does.

 

“Alvar said you told him about you and me. That night, you showed up at his door, completely wasted and all messed up. He said you tried to-“ Enrique cuts himself off, licking his lips before continuing, “well you didn’t. He said you were crying and that you talked a lot of fucked up shit. And that you loved me. You said that to him. And that you were sorry.”

 

Enrique looks at Lauri with questioning eyes, like he wants Lauri to add something, tell his version of the story, while Lauri has to use all his concentration to will his breath to be even. That night is blurry at best and he didn’t stay long enough at Alvar’s after waking up to ask what he had done, what he had said.

 

 

***

 

 

**_ 15/16th July, six years ago _ **

 

**__ **

_“Lauri? Is that you?”_

 

_The familiar voice snapped Lauri right out of his thoughts. He looked up from where he was sitting cross-legged on the floor, a half empty bottle of alcohol in hand. In front of him stood Alvar, apartment keys in hand looking mostly confused but also a tiny bit delighted by Lauri’s presence. That estimation could be wrong though, squinting up at his friend from the floor didn’t offer the best of perspectives._

 

_Lauri couldn’t remember when he had last hung out with Alvar even though they had been close friends since they had met in geography class in the first year of Uni. Lauri didn’t know if he regretted having lost touch with him. Probably yes. Sure they still had seen each other now and then due to a shared circle of friends but lately, or rather the last six months, Lauri hadn’t been going out too much, too caught up in his messy fucked up mind._

 

“’sup bro?”Lauri smiled up at him trying to make it genuine, lifting the bottle as a greeting of some sort. Alvar just lifted an amused eyebrow.

 

_“It’s been forever, man.” Alvar says offering Lauri a hand to help him up, which was more than necessary, because if it wasn’t for Alvar supporting him Lauri would have instantly lost balance as soon as he tried standing up. The world had started spinning the wrong way around all of sudden and it made Lauri feel more than a little dizzy. His shaky legs didn’t help. Lauri distantly wondered if the bottle in his hand was the first of the evening. He wasn’t sure and it didn’t matter anyway._

 

_“How are you?” Alvar asked opening his apartment door while Lauri leaned against the doorframe trying to concentrate on not sliding down to the floor again. The lock clicked, or maybe it was Lauri who imitated the clicking noise, but the door swung open and Lauri stumbled inside alongside Alvar who tried his best to steady him on their way to the couch._

 

_Lauri hit the cushions face first but managed to roll to his side more or less gracefully, still hugging the bottle. A groan escaped his lips and he pressed his eyes shut for a second._

 

Why was he here? What was he doing? Why was everything so messed up?

 

_“You okay, Lauri?” Alvar asked plopping down next to Lauri, he didn’t sound too concerned, just mildly confused. He pried the bottle from Lauri’s grip and took a sip himself, pulling a face at the taste. “Where is Enrique by the way?  You two are usually-“ he made a gesture by intertwining his fingers in some way but Lauri’s vision was too blurred to make out anything specific._

 

_“He’s-“ Lauri began but he couldn’t continue, had to shake his head, which made the dizziness was worse. “He’s just-“ he hid his face behind his arms for a second. “He’s…home.” He finished lamely._

 

_He’s home, probably thinking about all the reason why he hates me._

 

_Lauri felt sick._

 

_Alvar awkwardly cleared his throat causing Lauri to steal a glance at him through his fingers._

 

_He had his feet on the couch table even though he was still wearing his shoes. Lauri didn’t like that, he was pretty sure no one did but Enrique was really persistent about it, he had banned Paul from their apartment for two weeks once because he had disobeyed that rule._

 

_Lauri had his mouth already half open to say something before he remembered that this wasn’t their apartment and this wasn’t their couch table and Enrique wasn’t here to back him up and for some pathetic reason that thought made his eyes sting because he didn’t want to be here, he wanted to be home. But he couldn’t go home, Enrique was mad at him, they had fought again and it had been bad._

 

_Lauri felt the need to curl up, drawing his knees to his chest and hiding his face again._

 

_After a while, Lauri didn’t know how long it was, it could have been minutes, could have been half an hour, Alvar cleared his throat once more causing Lauri to look up again, he’d almost forgotten Alvar was here._

 

_“Lauri, not that I don’t enjoy spending time with you but-“  Alvar gently pried the empty bottle from Lauri’s cramped fingers and placed it on the table, just out of reach. “But you turn up here, after months of nothing, completely wasted, looking like you went to hell and back, I- What’s going on, man? Are you okay?”_

 

_“Nothing.” Lauri whispered in reply, hating how meek and unconvincing he sounded even to his own drunken self. “Nothing’s wrong. Everything is just fine. I just- Enrique and I-“ he couldn’t stop the tears from dwelling in his eyes this time no matter how angrily he tried to rub them away. “I just- I just don’t know. Everything is so fucked up. I fucked everything up. I don’t- I’m-“_

 

No. No! _he wanted to scream at himself, this was not the right moment, this was not the right person._ Shut up, shut up. Shut up.

 

_“Hey, hey, hey.” Alvar patted Lauri’s back trying to calm him but Lauri just vehemently shook his head.  “What did you fuck up?”_

 

_“I just-“ Lauri tried to suppress a sob. He felt so pathetic. “I don’t- I don’t know how to be me anymore.” He whispered. “Fuck.”_

 

_“What’s there to remember?” Alvar asked giving Lauri a smile that was probably meant to be encouraging. “You are you. You are same old Lauri, my drinking buddy, my wingman, my friend. Cheer up.” He nudged Lauri with his shoulder._

 

 _Lauri really wished Alvar was right. He had tried so hard to go back to his old self to be the Lauri he had been before everything went to shit. He wished so bad that he could and he had tried and failed and now Enrique hated him and he hated himself but Alvar was still smiling at him, rubbing his shoulder like he used to, like Lauri indeed was still the person he remembered, still his old friend._   _Lauri wants to be that person again so badly, for himself, for Enrique, for everyone._

 

_He wished he could remember it the way Alvar seemingly could. Maybe he could fake it if he did._

 

_“I never meant to fuck up so badly.” Lauri mumbled. “I never meant to- to do that. I didn’t want to. I swear. I swear I didn’t want to. I don’t know it just happened. It just happened. I’m a horrible person. How could I do this?  Why am I like this?”_

 

_He knew Alvar didn’t have an answer. He didn’t know why he was staring at his friend so desperately. He could feel his phone vibrating once again. Lauri ignored it._

 

_Alvar frowned at him._

 

_“Lauri, I have no idea what you are talking about. You are obviously not ok?” he watched as Lauri fumbled with his phone trying to switch it off. “Should I call, Enrique?”_

 

_Lauri flinched. “No. No don’t. Don’t, he hates me. I fucked up so bad. He hates me. He doesn’t know. But he hates me. He should.”_

 

_“What?” Alvar seemed seriously worried now, trying to get Lauri to look him in the eyes. “Lauri what the hell, why would he hate you? He’s your friend.”_

 

_Lauri just shook his head, pressing his eyes shut hoping Alvar would ignore the tears that wear rolling down his cheeks._

 

_“I love him.” He mumbled before he could stop himself, the words felt strangely sharp, like a weapon, cutting Lauri’s throat on their way out.  He let out a sob, pressing his hand over his mouth, begging his body not to betray him, not to let the tears out, but Lauri and his body hadn’t been on good terms with each other for quite some time now, and he couldn’t stop the tears, hot and wet on his face, testimony of how much he wasn’tin control “I love him. I love him. I fucked up. He’s gonna break up with me. He should. He should break up with me. I fucked up so bad, Alvar. I really did.”_

 

_“Lauri please look at me.”_

 

_Lauri could feel Alvar’s hand on his shoulder, but he shook it off, wrapping his arms around himself. Why was he being so kind? Lauri didn’t understand. Maybe it was because he still saw the old Lauri, maybe because he couldn’t imagine Lauri fucking up so bad. Maybe he didn’t believe Lauri._

 

_“You like me Alvar?” Lauri mumbled eventually, his chest hurting from sobbing. He found Alvar still looking at him. “You like me right?” Lauri scrambled to his knees grabbing Alvar by the collar. “You said that once, when we were drunk, remember first year of Uni? I pretended I didn’t remember that you kissed me, but I do. I remember.”_

 

_A sudden flush of embarrassment hushed over Alvar’s face, mixed with confusion by the sudden topic change._

 

_“It’s okay.” Lauri said with a shaky voice “I’m not mad. No. no. Long time ago, right? That was old Lauri. Old me.  You still like him? Want him?” he didn’t know what made him, but somehow he found himself pressing his lips to Alvar’s neck, forcing down the bile that rose up in his throat. Maybe it was the idea of Alvar still seeing him as the Lauri’ from before, the idea that if Alvar remembered maybe Lauri could too. Or maybe it was the urge to reenact it somehow make it more tangible, what had happened that day six month ago in some sick and twisted way, regaining control, as if that would make it less bad, less damning and hurtful, what he had done._

 

_“Lauri-“ Alvar tried to push Lauri away. Due to Lauri’s drunken state he managed causing Lauri to hiss at him in a sudden flash of anger._

 

“ _You would have fucked me, if Enrique and Paul hadn’t shown up. You wanted to fuck me.” he tried to fumble Alvar’s belt buckle open but Alvar grabbed his wrists. Lauri tried to pull away. “You said I’m still same old Lauri, so come on. Give it a try. Take your chance. I’m here. I promise I won’t fight. Just get it over with!”_

 

_“Wha-“ Alvar let go of Lauri’s wrist like they had burned him staring at Lauri with bewilderment in his eyes. “What the fuck!  Lauri, Jesus, what the hell are you even talking! I’m fucking calling, Enrique. This is messed up!”_

 

_“No!” Lauri smashed the phone out of Alvar’s hands with an uncoordinated shove, causing himself to stumbled and almost fall. He could hear the display crack and Alvar yell something but the buzzing in his ears was too loud, he could already taste the vomit in his mouth._

 

_Somehow Alvar got him to the bathroom, he must have, Lauri guessed, there was no other explanation for the cold tiles under his knees or the hand on his back as he emptied his remaining stomach contents into the toilet. The porcelain felt good against his feverishly hot forehead. Or maybe it’s just Lauri’s imagination._

 

_“Don’t call him please.” He whispered in between sobs. “He hates me. I…I slept with somebody.”_

 

_“And he found out?” Alvar asked his voice calm and gentle, Lauri didn’t deserve it._

 

_“No.” Lauri whispered wiping a bit off vomit away with his sleeve. “I have to tell him. He should know. Then he can really hate me and I-“_

 

_He couldn’t keep talking, he felt his chest constricting again and his empty stomach was writhing, but nothing would come up, just some bile and spit causing Lauri’s throat to burn._

 

I’m so sorry.

 

_He let his lean forehead on his arm where it was wrapped around the toilet bowl allowing himself breathe for a moment. He was trembling, partially from crying so much and partially because his body was protesting. He felt like everything was hurting. He couldn’t do this any longer. He imagined Enrique being here, it being his hand on his back, his soothing words. He didn’t know if he dreaded it or longed for it._

 

 

 

***

 

 

 

**_ Now _ **

 

**__ **

“So…I know it wasn’t Alvar and I…” Enrique rubbed his neck, sighing softly. “…I don’t know who else it could have been. Because I don’t think you lied to me. About sleeping with somebody. You wouldn’t just make that up, would you? To get me to break up with you?” he pauses and Lauri can’t help but wince internally at the thought of Enrique ever entertaining that idea, even just for a heartbeat.

 

“That means it really _was_ some stranger, I guess?” Enrique concludes and for some reason it sounds a little like this option might even feel worse for him than the possibility of Lauri simply lying about it all. Lauri doesn’t know what to make of that. And judging by the look in Enrique’s eyes neither does he.

 

When Lauri doesn’t reply after a while, Enrique nods slowly like Lauri’s silence is answer enough. It probably is for him. It’s an answer that hurts, Lauri knows and for a moment he considers leaving it at that because this is the easy option, the simple variant, just say it was a random stranger and be done with it, what would it change? Nothing.

 

Except that’s a lie. It would change everything.

 

Lauri breathes in, breathes out, once, twice, still feeling Enrique’s eyes on him. If he only had the right words or some trick, some way of formulating it to make it less horrible... He’s thought about it so much, has imagined it, how to say it, tried in front of a mirror but it never sounded right, never less bad than it felt. In the end there might not be a good or right way to say something like this. Maybe it’s just _close your eyes and go for it._

 

“It wasn’t.” Lauri replies eventually forcing himself to not break the eye-contact with Enrique. “It wasn’t-“ his throat suddenly feels so dry the words sounds unbelievably brittle when they come out “…it wasn’t a stranger.”

 

Enrique sucks in a sharp breath and looks away shortly, pressing his lips together tightly. “Then who? Tell me who, please. You owe me that much.”

 

Lauri can hear it in the strain of his voice that he’s making an effort not to snap, not to sound angry again. Lauri appreciates that. This is hard enough as it is. And it’s not really Enrique’s fault. His feelings are understandable, Lauri guesses he would act worse if it was him in Enrique’s place.

 

Lauri folds his hands in his laps because if he doesn’t he’ll start fumbling again and he’s done that enough tonight. It’s a nervous habit. The hems of his sleeves look all wrinkled already. He hates that he’s so nervous. “I didn’t sleep with anybody that night.” Lauri croaks out eventually seeing Enrique’s face twitch at the implication.

 

 _That night. I didn’t sleep with anybody_ that _night._

 

Enrique visibly swallows, “that night?” he asks as expected.

 

The words linger in the air between them as they both fall silent, Enrique waiting for Lauri to say something and Lauri trying to gather enough courage to do so. It’s ridiculous. Lauri chuckles, trying to ignore the redness of his cheeks. ”Fuck” he mumbles. “This shouldn’t be so hard.” He pauses but Enrique doesn’t say anything, just waits, it makes Lauri shift a little in his seat but there is no backing out now. It’s the moment of truth or whatever the right term is. Fight or flight. 6 years ago Lauri chose flight, running away like a coward.  Today he wants it to be different.

 

“Okay.” Lauri says, more to himself than Enrique “I…Do you remember those rumors about my geography professor? Professor Holbrook. That she…slept with students?”

 

“Of course I remember. Nobody gave a crap about that.” Enrique looks really confused for a moment, seemingly not catching on with what Lauri is trying to say “They were just rumors I mean why-“ He freezes and Lauri can pinpoint the exact moment Enrique gets it, the breathless “oh” that escapes his lips is just added confirmation. Strangely enough Enrique looks even more confused than before, utterly lost, to be more specific. “No.” he says and Lauri would like nothing more than to be able to say no too, to call it a joke, to laugh it off, to not have it be true.

 

“No.” Enrique repeats shaking his head. “No, you didn’t. No. You…you are gay. How- why-“ He shakes his head again, looking deliberately everywhere but Lauri.

 

It hurts even though Lauri had expected it, Enrique not being able to stand to look at him despite only knowing half the truth now. It hurts like hell.

 

“I didn’t mean to.” Lauri blurts out when the silence stretches on for too long , desperate to say something, anything but it’s obvious that it were the wrong words as Enrique’s head snaps up. His lips are trembling.

 

“What the hell is that supposed to mean? _I didn’t mean to_. What is this the moment where I ask you if you tripped and landed in her vagina or something? What the-“ he cuts himself off, still staring at Lauri with disbelief and something that’s not quite disgust yet but not far away from it either.

 

Lauri tries to smile in a sorry attempt to fight the tears he can feel dwelling in his eyes. It’s more a whisper than anything else when he says “I said no.” first only in his mind than loud enough for Enrique to hear.

 

“What?” Enrique says.

 

“I said no.” Lauri repeats, this time louder even though his voice still sounds far too raspy.

 

“Wha-“

 

“I said no, Enrique.” Lauri cuts him off, too nervous, too shaky, to not talk over Enrique. He’s scared if he stops now he’ll never say it. “I didn’t mean to. I never meant to- I- I said no.”

 

Enrique looks like he’s about to ask ‘what’ again but suddenly something shifts and he suddenly looks unbelievably pale. Lauri isn’t sure when that happened.

 

“What do you mean ‘you said no’?” Enrique asks slowly.

 

Lauri can see it in his eyes, a silent plea despite Enrique not yet fully grasping it, a silent plea for Lauri to deny it, to say that it’s not what he thinks, not what Lauri is obviously implying.

 

It takes more than a moment for Lauri to begin talking again “She…” he tries to keep his voice calm but it’s still shaky, and if his hands weren’t holding onto each other he’s sure they would tremble “Do you remember how shortly after winter break I- Well she invited me to her house to talk over the assignment I had handed in before break…You remember that, right?”

 

“Of course I remember.” Enrique nods, “You were so nervous because you thought you messed the assignment up and she was gonna kick you out of her class or something.”

 

Lauri feels awful at the innocent tone of Enrique’s voice and also guilty. It’s probably a funny memory for Enrique that’s about to be ruined. Lauri panicking, walking up and down their flat envisioning some completely exaggerated scenarios about dropping out of Uni, never finding a job becoming homeless and the end of the world while Enrique leans against the kitchen counter, coffee in hand and soft smile on his lips because they had been so sure that even if Lauri’s crazy unrealistic doomsday ideas where to come true they’d still have each other. Enrique had made some jokes about how Lauri could be his trophy wife and Lauri had rolled his eyes, pretending to be offended.

 

Lauri has lost count on how often he had gone back to that day in his imagination and instead of acting pissed he’d have kissed Enrique, he’d ask him to come back to bed, to not go to the study group and Lauri would not go to his prof’s house and they’d just stay with each other all day, just the two of them. And things would have been good. Nothing would have changed. But it’s too late for that now.

 

“I went there.” Lauri continues, carefully wetting his chapped lips with his tongue “I went to her house and she…she offered me a drink. It was ice tea, I think. And I-I couldn’t say no could I? I mean I felt like I couldn’t because you don’t say no when your teacher offers you something to drink and she was being nice and I thought it was a normal thing to do, you know?“ he laughs a little even though it’s not funny, none of it but he feels if he doesn’t he’ll cry and if he does there is no way he can keep talking, not with Enrique looking at him like that.  “Something felt off. I don’t know I can’t explain it but…I started to feel dizzy soon. Like I was getting a fever or something. I don’t remember, I’m not sure- it’s still all kinda blurry up here” Lauri gestures towards his own head, hoping Enrique will understand because there is no way Lauri can explain the feeling he gets when he tries to recall memories form that day. When he speaks again his voice is barely more than a whisper.  “I…I think…she…drugged me?”

 

It sounds like a question even though Lauri knows it isn’t and so does Enrique judging by the expression on his face. He looks like he’s going to be sick. Lauri can’t really blame him.

 

“Lauri…” Enrique tries but it seems like he can’t find any words either. The name sounds like a plea but Lauri knows there is no avail.

 

”I swear I said no.” Lauri whispers, he’s given up on trying to keep his voice even but he hates the way it breaks over the words. It feels like a pathetic excuse even though Lauri knows it isn’t. “I swear to god, Enrique I said no. I said no but she wouldn’t stop and I couldn’t move and I-“ he chooses to ignore the tears dwelling in his eyes. He has to get this out as hard as it is “I didn’t want to have sex with her but I…I- it happened and I- I’m so fucking sorry.”

 

_I’m so sorry._

 

Lauri wants to say it again and again, a thousand times and once more until it’s enough. But it won’t be, not ever, he knows that. The damage has been done and no amount of ‘sorrys’ in the world can make it right again, so he doesn’t understand why he says it nonetheless. It’s not helping, doesn’t soften the blow, doesn’t make it less painful. Neither for himself nor for Enrique. But he has to try.

 

Lauri cannot look away. The storms of emotions visible in Enrique’s eyes as he’s taking in Lauri’s words are strangely captivating, the same way you can’t look away from a car wreck, or tragic pictures of natural disaster on the news. It feels wrong to look somehow, like he’s intruding on a private moment, seeing something that is not meant for him, even though in a way it is.

 

The connection breaks when Enrique presses his eyes shut all of sudden, rubbing his face with the palms of his hands, letting out a shaky sigh, his chest rising and falling quickly in a way that makes Lauri want to reach out, only for a moment, the sudden urge to comfort Enrique somehow surfacing.

 

It’s more than a bad idea he knows because he is the cause for Enrique’s current distress and there isn’t really a way to make it better. At least no way Lauri has figured out yet.

 

Then, slowly, Enrique opens his eyes again, finding Lauri’s immediately. And Lauri still has no idea what to say.

 

It’s Enrique that speaks next.

 

“No.” he says and it sounds like his throat is hurting. For a moment Lauri can’t place it, what Enrique is saying, what he means with ‘No’. There is a lot he could mean, but the first explanation Lauri comes up with, makes his heart sink. It sounds a lot like denial. Like refusing, rejecting Lauri’s words. It hurts, god it hurts. Enrique doesn’t believe him. Enrique thinks he is lying. It’s the one thing Lauri had always feared whenever he had felt the faint underlying desire to tell Enrique the truth, back when it hadn’t been too late yet.

 

He has his mouth already half open, desperately searching for words to argue, to convince Enrique, to make him believe that this isn’t some cheap excuse that he isn’t making it up but Enrique shaking his head cuts him off.

 

“You didn’t have sex. With her.” Enrique gets out and it looks like the words physically pain him. “That wasn’t sex. That was-“

 

“Please don’t say it.” Lauri whispers quickly before he can stop himself. He knows what Enrique is going to say and it’s not like it isn’t true, Lauri knows it is, but even thinking the word is something that is still hard for Lauri, even after all these years. It feels like a branding, like something you cannot wash off again, saying it makes it real and once it’s real there is no taking it back.

 

But Enrique doesn’t  listen. Lauri isn’t even sure if he heard. He looks so out of it. A bit like a person in shock.

 

“Rape.” He says and Lauri involuntary flinches, but Enrique keeps on talking. “She drugged you. And raped you. You didn’t-“ he falters for a moment “You didn’t have sex with her. When you….when we broke up and you said you had had slept with somebody you…you meant this?”

 

“Yes.” Lauri whispers, closing his eyes for a moment. The look in Enrique’s eyes might kill him it hurts so much.

 

It seems like this one word is enough to break Enrique, because when Lauri finally opens his eyes there are tears in Enrique’s eyes, and it’s not just a fleeting moment before he blinks them away. They are real, they are there and Enrique doesn’t hide them. Maybe he doesn’t have the energy left to do so. This night has been an emotional roller-coaster for the both of them. More for Enrique though probably. It’s not really fair, is it? None of it.

 

“That’s what- that’s why you” Enrique clears his throat a couple of times. Lauri understands how hard it is to talk when all you wanna do is cry but Enrique must have a million questions, a million doubts and thoughts and feelings, it all shows on his face.

 

“Fuck.” Enrique buries his head in his hands for a moment. “I should have known? I should have. I was so stupid. You were- all ofsudden you were so- We were happy and then- Is that what made you change your mind? About… wanting to marry me? And…and coming out? Is that why-“

 

Lauri waits for a moment but nothing more comes out and Lauri really can’t blame Enrique, this conversation is so hard on him and he’s known the truth for so long, he cannot imagine how it must feel for Enrique to have it all crush down in one moment, with a few simple words.

 

“I…I don’t think I made that connection, back then when it happened.” Lauri says hesitantly, he’s not sure if he has any clear, satisfying answers to everything. He doesn’t understand all of it himself yet but he’s promised himself to try. For Enrique. “Everything was so messed up in my head. _Is_ kinda. Trying to remember what I was thinking, it’s kinda like looking at it through some fucked up kaleidoscope, but…” he swallows pausing for a moment. He hopes Enrique understands. “But yes. I think so yeah. It was- that day…she said things to me, during, things that kinda got stuck in my head and got all twisted and shit and-“ Lauri halts again, taking a deep breath, Enrique is still looking like he is going to puke. Lauri tries to smile. “I’m not gonna tell you what she said. I don’t think I can anyway. Even if I wanted but- I...I was scared, okay? I was scared out of my fucking mind. I didn’t want a single person to know about us because…, because she- she got this idea in my head that people were- I, I know it’s irrational and stupid but- I was…I was scared they would be like her and…try to…” it’s take more strength than Lauri ever thought it would and yet what comes out is barely more than a whisper “…to _fix_ me.” _fix you._

 

Enrique is crying now and Lauri hates that he is the reason why. Enrique should never have to cry because of stuff like this. Sad movies, sad books, yes. But not this. Never something like this. That’s not how life is supposed to go for people like Enrique, for people with such bright smiles and kind hearts and the pure and utter belief that the world is ultimately a good place. It’s not right and it breaks Lauri’s heart. This time he does reach out, taking Enrique’s hand in his over the table, feeling it tremble.

 

Lauri wants to tell him it’s okay, tell him something comforting, something to make it less horrible, but he isn’t sure if that’s even possible. Because maybe some emotions just have to be felt, maybe there is no way to soften them, to make it easier. Maybe the only way to feel better is to feel worse first.

 

“You made me think you cheated on me.” Enrique whispers. The words are accusing but his tone isn’t and he doesn’t pull his hand away. “You made me hate you. You-“

 

“I know.” Lauri says quickly, giving Enrique a sad smile. “I know and I’m sorry but I- In my head I kinda did cheat on you, you know?”

 

The expression on Enrique’s face is one of utter lack of understanding so Lauri tries to gather his thoughts, because of course he can’t expect Enrique to understand just like this. It takes more effort than he’d care to admit to form it all into coherent sentences for Enrique, trying to explain something that took him so many years to figure out himself.

 

“…I think…I think a part of me wanted you to hate me.” Lauri explains, eyes fixed on Enrique’s hand in his “Because, ever since this happened to me I-I acted so horribly to you- I felt disgusting, filthy. I just felt wrong. I felt…undeserving of you. Suddenly everything that never bothered me much before, all those small little insecurities…they became bigger and I- I didn’t want you to be with someone who cheated on you.”

 

“You didn’t though.” Enrique says and for some reason he sounds a little defiant, taking a deep breath and rubbing his eyes with his free hand, “You didn’t cheat.”

 

“Yes.” Lauri agrees, managing a small smile, “I know that now. Technically. But at that time… Well I think it was easier for me to think of myself as a cheater, something I could hate myself for rather than…than think of myself as a…” Lauri has to stop himself there, taking deep breaths, before continuing. He’s sure Enrique can feel the tension in his hand. “…as a rape victim.”

 

Victim.

 

Lauri hates it, hates that word. It’s horrible, he hates the sound, the way it feels in his mouth, the implications that come with it. Powerless, violated and vulnerable. He hates it so much, to think of himself like that. His therapist had suggested using survivor instead, claiming that it helps people that have been through the same thing. That it gives you your power back, gives you control, shows that what happened to you failed to destroy you, that you made it out alive and that you can be proud of that. It’s a way of reclaiming your trauma, recognize it as something of the past, making way for recovery.

 

Lauri thinks that’s bullshit. It may work for other people but not for him.

 

While seeing himself as a victim has never sat right with Lauri the opposite, claiming to be a powerful and empowered survivor that doesn’t let their trauma hold them back, felt even more like a lie. Lauri doesn’t feel stronger for having ‘survived’ that, for still being here against all odds, for being ‘brave’. Lauri feels angry, he feels betrayed.  Because even though he’s been through ‘recovery’ or whatever people choose to call it, he’s lost so much to this. So much, and there is no way of returning to before because no matter what the word recovery might suggest, before doesn’t exist anymore and you don’t get a ‘refund’ of the time you lost, you don’t get a ‘compensation’ for the pain you were put through, the pain you inflicted upon others in the process. There is no going back. And Lauri doesn’t feel like a survivor. Because a part of him didn’t survive.

 

Enrique flinches at the word, like the idea of thinking of Lauri like that hurts him too and it probably does.  He’s probably thinking about it all right now, combing through the memories, trying to find hints, trying to recall something that should have tipped him off, should have made him know.

 

Lauri wishes he wouldn’t do that. He doesn’t want Enrique to blame himself. It’s not his fault. If it’s anyone’s fault it’s Lauri’s, maybe. And most of all it’s that woman’s.

 

“It was my way of coping.” Lauri continues after a pause, “I couldn’t handle it otherwise. Not like I handled it well but…I guess I…I just lost it more and more each day and everything kinda spiraled and-“

 

“I did nothing.”  Enrique says suddenly, blankly staring at an undefined spot in front of him. “I did nothing. I kept pushing you I- fuck. I-“

 

“You didn’t know.” Lauri says quickly, squeezing Enrique’s hand, causing Enrique’s eyes to snap up focusing again on Lauri. “Hey. It’s not your fault.”

 

“I should have.” Enrique presses his lips tightly together. He’s pulled his hand out of Lauri’s, fumbling with his own now, like he doesn’t know what to do with them. “I should have known. I would have- god I don’t know, if I had known, what I would’ve done I- I would-“ He shakes his head, burying his face shortly in his hands, it’s almost like he’s ashamed. “God- I was such a dick to you earlier, going on about how you cheated and how you hurt me, while the truth-“

 

“You didn’t know.” Lauri repeats. He can’t stand Enrique apologizing, not for this, not for something he had no control over. “And you had every right to be a dick to me, okay? It’s okay. The truth is…” Lauri swallows “…I didn’t want you to know. Back when… it had happened. I just- I just wanted to go back to normal, be me again, be the Lauri I was before. But then I realized that I couldn’t so I…“

 

Lauri lets the words trail into nothingness, shrugging helplessly because there is nothing to say really. He ruined them. That’s what happened and no matter the reason, the cause, the outcome doesn’t change. There is no going back.

 

 

 

***

 

 

**_ 17th January, 6 years ago _ **

 

_“You don’t have to be shy.” She said gently, her fingers slipping under the hem of Lauri’s shirt. She was straddling him, her pencil skirt had ridden up, exposing her pale thighs. Lauri didn’t want to look, wasn’t even sure when she had moved, but trying to turn his head made the dizziness worse and he didn’t want to throw up again, not when he could barely keep his eyes open._

 

_“Sweet boy.” She whispered, running her hands over his naked skin, causing Lauri to shiver. The touch felt feverish hot and strangely cold at the same time, it made Lauri want to pull down his shirt again. He didn’t like this. Why was she looking at him like this? Why was she touching him?_

 

_He wanted to push her away, wanted to make her stop, but his arms felt so heavy like there aren’t any muscles there, just dead weight. It scared Lauri. Something was wrong. This wasn’t right. Why was he feeling like this? He wanted to leave. Did he say that to her? Lauri was sure he had but why was he here then? In her bedroom. None of this made sense. But the door seemed so far away and he just felt so tired if he only could get a glass of water or something to make him feel better, then he could go home, or maybe he could call Enrique to pick him up…_

 

_“I want to go home.” Lauri mumbled, struggling to focus on her. When had she opened her blouse? Why was she doing that? Lauri felt sick._

 

_She pressed a kiss to his neck with her painted red lips, just chuckling softly._

 

_“Are you not feeling well?” she cooed, brushing a strand of hair from his sweaty forehead._

 

 _Lauri just nodded numbly, feeling the buzzing in his head intensify._ Yes, yes _He wasn’t feeling well. He just wanted to go home, home to Enrique, away from her. There were black dots clouding his vision. He tried to blink them away but it didn’t help, it only got more blurry._

 

_“It is better if you rest for a bit then, is it not?” she whispered tenderly and yeah, maybe she was right. maybe he just needed to sleep for a little while, maybe he’d be able to move his legs again if he did and his arms would stop feeling like jelly._

 

_“Then let’s get you nice and comfortable, yes sweetheart?” she said that awful smile on her lips as her hands started to undress him._

 

_“Don’t… Don’t do that.” Lauri slurred. It was getting hard to form words and his head was still spinning. “I have-“_

 

_“What is it?” she asks as she opens his jeans with a swift motion of her hand. “Use your words.”_

 

_Lauri tried to push her hands away but he wasn’t even sure if he moved. Everything seemed slightly distorted. When he finally managed to speak again she had already removed his pants. When had that happened?_

 

_“…’ve a boyfriend…” Lauri mumbled, closing his eyes for a moment. Maybe when he opened them again thing would have returned to normal._

 

_“Do you now?” she chuckled, letting her fingers over the soft skin right where his thigh meets his hip._

 

_Lauri shuddered._

 

_“So you are gay?” he could hear the smile in her voice but maybe he was just imaging it, maybe all of this was just his imagination. It had to be, right? “Don’t worry, baby. You are confused, aren’t you? Yes.”_

 

_Lauri frowned. Confused? What did she mean by that? Why was she still touching him? Why was she smiling like that?_

 

_“I can fix that.” She whispered almost tenderly, tracing her thumb over Lauri’s lips. Lauri tried to turn his head away. “It’s going to be alright.”_

 

No. _Lauri felt his heart hammering against his ribcage._ No, this wasn’t alright. _He wanted to go home. Just home._ Please.

 

_She took one of his hands, leading it up her body and Lauri had to press his eyes shut. This had to be a nightmare._

 

_“Sshh, it’s okay.” She hushed and only then Lauri realized he had let out a whimper “Are you worried about your boyfriend? Mh? It’s going to be okay. I can take care of him too, would you like that?” I can help you. Both of you.” She pressed his hand to her bare breast. “It’s okay sweetie.”_

 

_“No.” Lauri whispered, actually managing to shake his head this time. “No, I don’t- Please-“_

 

_She smacked him across the face with the back of her hand._

 

_“Don’t talk back to me.” she hissed. Lauri couldn’t breathe. Then from one second to the other he voice was gentle again, caressing his burning cheek with her hand. “I will make you feel good, make you feel special. Just be good for me, baby.”_

 

_“No.” Lauri vehemently shook his head ”Please let me-“ He could feel the tears roll down his cheeks but he couldn’t stop them. Couldn’t stop her._

 

_He thought about the cell phone in his jacket. He could call Enrique. He’d come and pick him up, Lauri was sure of that. If he only knew where his jacket was._

 

_“Shh don’t cry.” She whispered, he barely even registered her fingers dancing down his stomach. “Aren’t you a man? Men don’t cry.”_

 

_Lauri closed his eyes._

 

_“Just be good for me.”_

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thy for putting up with this shit. I hope you liked it. pls leave a comment if you did they give me life<3  
> thy succube for being awesome. i love you


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here we go :) Next chapter. A bit later than planned due to a multitude of reason but well...here it is. I hope you enjoy.

 

**_ 21th Ocotber, 7 years ago _ **

 

**__ **

_„Lauri?“_

 

_Enrique’s voice was followed by the sound of the apartment door falling shut and the rattling of keys being placed on the sideboard._

 

_Lauri sighed. He’d really hoped Enrique would have been out a while longer._

 

_Enrique never said_ hello _like a normal person when he came home. He never said ‘I’m home’ or ’Hi’ or something like that. He always called for Lauri. And Lauri always answered with “I’m here” from where ever he was that moment. At first it had just been in an ironic way, in a mocking, sarcastic way while rolling his eyes because it was such a cliché thing to do, like the whole “Honey I’m home” thing. But by now it had become a reflex, a part of their routine and Lauri had actually come to like it._

 

_Lauri liked to imagine that Enrique did it because the most important thing to him about coming home wasn’t actually the ‘coming home’ part but the ‘coming home_ to Lauri _’ aspect. It was so ridiculously sweet and sappy. Such an Enrique thing to do._

 

_“I’m here.” Lauri called, looking up from where he was sitting on the ground leaned against the wall underneath the open window. The smoke from his spectacularly failed cooking attempt was long gone but he hadn’t gotten up to close all the windows yet and the smell of burned food had yet to disappear so Lauri didn’t really see a point in it._

 

_In retrospect he probably should have invested more time in trying to clean up the mess he created instead of sulking here in self-pity but  now it was too late anyway._

 

_Enrique already stood in the middle of the room, his eyes darting back and forth between Lauri and the kitchen, looking mildly amused as well as confused._

 

_“What’s going on?” he asked._

 

_Lauri sighed again, gesturing towards the kitchen. “Could you…maybe…go away? Like for I don’t know a few more hours?”_

 

_Enrique just chuckled before letting himself plop to the ground next to Lauri, opting out on inspecting the mess Lauri had produced in the kitchen any further, which was probably for the best._

 

_“Did you try to cook?” he inquired nudging Lauri’s shoulder with his before pressing a quick kiss to his cheek in greeting._

 

_Lauri just groaned. There was no point in denying it now. “Sorry ‘bout that, I guess.” He shrugged trying to make it nonchalant but he didn’t even believe himself._

 

_Enrique gave him a sympathetic smile even though his eyes still twinkled with amusement “Why, though?” he asked “You can’t cook.”_

 

_“Yeah no shit, Enrique.” Lauri rolled his eyes at Enrique pointing out the obvious._

 

_After a few beats of silence Lauri sighed softly, glancing at Enrique before casting his eyes downwards. “I…I wanted to make Paella.” He mumbled, feeling his ears go red._

 

_“..Why?” Enrique asked after a moment, sounding more confused than anything. Lauri kinda wanted to punch him. Punch him and kiss him. “If you want to learn cooking we could start with spaghetti?” Enrique suggested innocently. “ I’d love some spaghetti right now. Even if you somehow managed to burn them.” He grinned._

 

_Scratch the punching. Lauri couldn’t help but smile back._

 

_“But I didn’t want to make Spaghetti.” Lauri insisted. “I wanted to make Paella.”_

 

_“Yeah I can see that.” Enrique glanced in the direction of their kitchen. “But why? You don’t even like half the things in there?”_

 

_“Because…” Lauri hesitated. This was not how he’s planned this day. This was so embarrassing. He should have tried harder to get rid of the mess his failed cooking attempt left behind. Maybe he would have made it before Enrique came home and he wouldn’t be in this awkward situation right now. Lauri groaned and buried his face in his hands. “Because… because last week when we were watching that show with that- you know- that- …you said you missed your mom’s paella and I-“_

 

_Enrique’s silent laughter cut him off and Lauri could feel his face flush and he angrily shoved his fist against Enrique’s shoulder._

 

_“Stop laughing, arsehole!” he demanded but it didn’t sound half as intimidating as he’d hoped._

 

_Enrique shot Lauri a goofy smile making him want to roll his eyes again._

 

_“Ah I just love you so, much, you know that right?” he said shaking his head, chuckling._

 

_Lauri wanted to feel angry but he couldn’t. The smile on his face betrayed him. “I know.” He said softly._

 

_“Good.” Enrique said, looking kind of self-satisfied. “And you don’t have to cook for me, yeah? I love cooking for the both of us. So there’s no need to endanger you, this apartment and probably our neighbors.”_

 

_Lauri groaned again. “That’s not…Enrique it wasn’t about that okay? I just wanted to do this for you. For you. You get that into your thick skull?”_

 

_“I know.” Enrique said patting Lauri’s knee with his hand. “And it means so much to me that you tried, Lauri. For me.”_

 

_Lauri knew it was meant in a nice way, that Enrique was trying to acknowledge Lauri’s effort in a “_ It’s-the-thought-that-counts _manner”, but to Lauri it was just frustrating._

 

_“I didn’t want to just_ try _.” He huffed. “I wanted to_ do _it.”_

 

_“Oh Lauri.” Enrique gave him a small smile, taking his hand and intertwining their fingers.  “Don’t tell me you are really sulking because of this?”_

 

_Again Lauri shrugged but it was even less convincing then before, it was really quite ridiculous. Enrique pulled him into a short kiss then, soft and gentle. It made Lauri’s heart flutter, still, even after at least a million kisses and almost three years together. So ridiculous._

 

_“You could have always ordered food in.” Enrique pointed out eventually, his eyes twinkling with mischief. “You know put it on a plate, a pan in the sink and voila. Bet you could have fooled me.”_

 

_Lauri shook his head, hiding his smile by looking away briefly. “I ain’t a cheater.”_

 

_“No?” Enrique laughed. “Lucky me then.”_

 

_“Lucky you?” Lauri pretends to put on a serious face. “I ruined your kitchen, sir.”_

 

_“Our kitchen.” Enrique corrected him and Lauri had to fight the urge to kiss that stupid cheesy smile of Enrique’s lips. “And it’s honestly not that bad. Nothing half a day of cleaning won’t fix.”_

 

_“Half a day?” Lauri lifted an eyebrow before sighing and getting to his feet, offering Enrique his hands to pull him up. “Well, that’s what I get for trying to be romantic. Noted.”_

 

_Enrique laughed “It’s okay. I can be romantic enough for the both of us.”_

 

_Enrique’s phone rang a moment after they reached the kitchen. Enrique glanced on the display  before pressing the decline button and leaving it on the counter. He crouched down to get cleaning supplies out of the cupboard underneath the sink. Lauri frowned._

 

_“Shouldn’t you answer that?” he asked._

 

_Enrique shook his head shrugging. “Nah. I can’t let anything get between you, me and doing housework, can I?” he waves with the bright yellow rubber gloves for emphasis. ”You know it’s my guilty pleasure.” He winks._

 

_Lauri can’t help but chuckle._

 

_“You are so weird.” He said._

 

 

 

***

 

 

 

**_ Now _ **

 

They are both quiet for a while. Enrique wears an expression that is both familiar and entirely new to Lauri. He’s known Enrique for so long, knows how sometimes his face is an open book with thoughts and emotions written all over it while sometimes like he has learned today it’s guarded and blank and entirely unreadable. That’s the new Enrique.

 

Right now it’s a mix of those things and Lauri isn’t sure if he is expected to say something or just be quiet and let Enrique figure this all out on his own. The thing is Enrique usually isn’t one who quietly mulls over stuff in his head. He likes to discuss it, talk things over with people, giving his thoughts and feelings a voice. At least that’s how it used to be, but maybe this is a situation where it’s different for Enrique, maybe he has to think this over first, before being able to talk about it more, before asking more questions.

 

The silence stretches for several more minutes and Lauri begins to fidget with his fingers again. A part of him wants to take Enrique’s hand again but he isn’t really sure if that’s appropriate anymore, if it’s not crossing some sort of line. Maybe now this is getting a little too close to something resembling intimacy. And Enrique doesn’t want that, does he? This is not who they are anymore.

 

Right?

 

Things are getting blurry. The lines in Lauri’ head, his feelings, it had all felt clean cut and defined this morning. Now everything feels different.

 

Enrique sighs softly , rubbing his hands over his face again. Then he looks at Lauri and somehow, something in his eyes has changed, it’s like he is about to say something and Lauri can’t blame his heart for skipping a beat, even though it’s quite ridiculous. There is no secret left between them, at least not from Lauri’s side. Lauri has laid it all out on the table, has finally made true to his word, has told the truth. There is no reason to feel nervous or anxious anymore but Lauri can’t help it. He looks down for a moment and suddenly the tone of a ringing phone rips through the silence of the room, causing Lauri to flinch. Enrique looks frozen to for a moment, his eyes wide like he’s just been pulled back after almost tumbling off a cliff.

 

It takes a split second for Enrique to move but it feels like forever. He stares at his phone and Lauri couldn’t read his expression even if he tried.

 

“It’s Lori.” Enrique mumbles tonelessly. “She’s…” he looks at Lauri for a moment, clearing his throat. “She’s done with her shift probably.”

 

Lauri doesn’t know how to feel. He looks down on his hands. The tone of the phone ringing, still echoing through the room, it seems unusually loud.

 

“You should answer then.” Lauri gets out eventually and Enrique nods but he doesn’t move, just keeps looking at his phone until it eventually stops ringing. The silence stretching between them now feels different than before. More loaded somehow, heavy with something Lauri cannot quite define. He doesn’t know if he should anyway.

 

“15th February two years ago.” Enrique says suddenly but it doesn’t sound blurted out, not accidental or somehow not meant the way it comes out. He’s thought about this. His voice still sounds hoarse though and to anyone who knows Enrique just a little bit would know he had cried just by the way his voice cracks over the words, by the way his eyes flicker between words and his mouth twists.

 

“What?” Lauri replies after a moment, trying to straighten in his chair. The date doesn’t mean anything to him and he isn’t sure what Enrique is trying to say, what kind of reaction he is expecting from Lauri. It feels a little weird, being on this side of the conversation for once. Being the one not understanding, trying to catch up.

 

Enrique licks his lips, takes his time answering, the now silent phone still in hand.

 

“Until today that was the worst day of my life.” He says.

 

Lauri doesn’t say anything. He still isn’t sure what exactly Enrique is saying but he understands at least to an extent what he is implying. _Until today._   Again it’s Lauri being unfair to Enrique. It hurts a little, makes Lauri feel guilty. Enrique came here, to this reunion, to have fun, to enjoy time with old friends, to catch up and all those things people do at these events. He didn’t come here to meet his Ex, to go through too many emotions in too little time, to have this fucking bomb dropped on him. He didn’t come here for Lauri.

 

Lauri however, he came here for this, for Enrique. He came to tell the truth. A part of him had that stupid idea in his head that it would be good for Enrique too, that it would give him closure, would make him feel grateful. People always say they want the truth, but now, looking at the pain in Enrique’s eyes Lauri wonders if maybe it had been the wrong call. Maybe it would have been kinder to let Enrique hate him like he deserved, to not put this knowledge on him. It would have been easier.

 

For a split second Lauri thinks about that moment years ago, at Maurice’s birthday party on the balcony. _“I don’t want_ easy _. I wan’t_ you.” Enrique’s words are still so clear in his mind. Lauri wonders if it’s a memory or if maybe he just made it up. It doesn’t matter anyway. The past is long gone and whatever Enrique wanted or didn’t want six years ago is too.

 

“Why?” Lauri mumbles then, because Enrique looks like he wants to say more but somehow at the same time he seems more than just a little hesitant.

 

“It’s the day we’ve been exactly one day longer apart than we’ve been together. You and I, we were together for three years, six months and 29 days. I-“ Enrique stops himself, a faint blush creeping on his face, he looks down for a moment, smiling awkwardly. “I counted that later by the way. I wasn’t keeping track when we were together. I’m not that sappy.” He shoots Lauri a glance. “But then you were gone and I…I had a hard time dealing with that. Obviously. And well…suddenly it was three years, six months and 30 days ago…that we ended I mean and I just…” he clears his throat again and Lauri offers him a small smile. “I almost called you that day. I don’t know what I would have said to you. What I would have done. Yelled? Begged? Just hung up again? I honestly don’t know. But I had deleted your number…which didn’t matter because you know I had it memorized but-”

 

Lauri smiles at that. He remembers himself and Enrique on Enrique’s bed, before they moved in together, competing in who would memorize the other’s number faster. It had been a silly game, not even funny. Every time one of them got a digit wrong they had to take a shot of the horribly cheap vodka they had stolen from Paul’s stash. It was a good memory.

 

“But I changed my number.” Lauri says quietly and Enrique looks down.

 

“Yeah.”

 

“It’s good I think.” Lauri admits after a moment. Confusion flashes over Enrique’s face and Lauri hurries to explain. “It’s good you didn’t call me.  You wouldn’t have reached _me_ anyway…At that time… I was… I wasn’t in a good place then. Mentally. It was Christmas a year before that that I…tried to…” _kill myself._

 

He doesn’t need to say the words, he can see on Enrique’s face that he gets it.

 

It’s a little consolation, that hearing it is as hard for Enrique as saying it is for Lauri.

 

Enrique just barely nods.

 

Breath in breath out, all Lauri can hear now is his own heartbeat.

 

Enrique lets out a shaky breath “I should call her back.” he says gesturing towards his phone.

 

Lauri smiles, ignoring the knot that has formed in his chest. “You should.” He croaks out but it doesn’t sound convincing.

 

“Yes.” Enrique agrees but he still doesn’t move. The phone remains in his hand, locked and display black.

 

For a moment Lauri’s thoughts wander to Lori. The woman from the picture with her blonde hair and blue-green eyes. He wonders what kind of person she is. Does she worry, because Enrique didn’t answer her call? Or does she pay it no mind? Does she have Enrique as her lock-screen or is it the dog she had in her arms in the picture Enrique showed Lauri. Does she love Enrique? _How could she not?_ Did she want to come here with him? Did she want to meet her boyfriend’s old friends?

 

What if she had been here?

 

Lauri doesn’t dare to think about it. What would have happened if the moment he had walked into the old gym, towards the table, she had been there, on the chair next to Enrique, her delicate hand on his arm, a beautiful smile on her lips, laughing with Paul and the others.

 

It makes Lauri’s chest ache and his stomach tighten more than it should, after six years. The rational part of Lauri knows that. His heart doesn’t.

 

“…her name is Lori.” Lauri says in attempt to make a joke and sure enough Enrique chuckles and it just sounds a little hollow.

 

“I…I don’t have an explanation.” Enrique admits, shaking his head. “I’m aware of how it sounds…”

 

Lauri manages a small smile. He resists the urge to fumble with his sleeves, instead lightly tabs his fingers against the table surface.

 

_Toc toc toc_

 

“Does she know?” Lauri asks even though he isn’t really sure what exactly he is asking, just that he is, and that the answer is something he needs to know.

 

“That I’ve been with men? Yes.” Enrique fills in the blank himself. He’s always been good at that. At least sometimes.  Lauri tries to ignore the sting he feels at Enrique using the plural. After a second of silence he adds “Specifics about you? No.”

 

It almost sounds apologetic but Lauri isn’t quite sure which part and Enrique’s gaze doesn’t offer any clarification. It’s probably better that way. Lauri shouldn’t get hung up on this, shouldn’t have asked in the first place but now they are here and Lauri has missed talking to Enrique for so long, it’s hard to stop now.

 

“So I’m not one of those crazy ex-partner stories people tell at parties?” Lauri jokes even though the question is at least half serious. He can somewhat picture it, Enrique talking to some stranger, maybe someone from work, someone who never met Lauri, who never knew Enrique back then, who’s just a someone, with their own life and own stories and own crazy exes. He imagines Enrique talking about his crazy ex that used to get overly jealous but ended up cheating himself. The crazy ex that forced him to lie and drank too much and cared to little. Lauri imagines the stranger chuckling, offering some stories of his own in return.

 

It’s only fair, Lauri muses, that Enrique would get at least some stories out of this carwreck Lauri turned their relationship into. It still makes his skin itch though and his chest tight, the thought of being the end of some joke, just a story.

 

“No.” Enrique says and Lauri can breathe a little easier for a second. “You didn’t want anybody to know about us when we were together. With us broken up…it felt wrong to even think about telling then…”

 

He swallows, looking mildly uncomfortable because in a way it’s a confession. Because even though Enrique was so mad at Lauri, so hurt and angry, he couldn’t do this. He couldn’t betray Lauri’s trust like this even though it shouldn’t have mattered to him, not one bit.

 

But it did and Lauri tries his best to ignore the tiny bit of warmth that spreads in his chest at that. Lauri still doesn’t understand how he could ever have deserved this kind of love. Maybe if he’d ask Enrique would tell him.

 

“I’m sorry.” Lauri says instead. The word is starting to feel hollow, maybe he’s said it too much tonight, but it still doesn’t feel like enough. Because Enrique should have been able to say ‘fuck it’, to not care anymore about Lauri’s feelings and just talk to somebody, just get it all out somehow to make moving on easier.  But he didn’t. He couldn’t. Because of Lauri. Another thing added to the list Lauri took from him.

 

“You left me.” Enrique says, shrugging slightly even though his tone is not nonchalant at all. “My boyfriend left me. And I couldn’t even- You were just my friend, my roommate to everyone…How could I justify feeling like I did to them without telling the truth? I couldn’t talk to anybody except maybe Alvar but even that felt wrong…” He lets out a dull chuckle that doesn’t cover the hurt in his voice one bit.

 

Lauri tries to give him a smile nonetheless. “I’m an even shittier ex than I was a boyfriend, huh?”

 

Enrique smiles at that. “And now you just show up here. Out of nowhere. I wanted to punch you.”

 

This time the smile that creeps on Lauri’s face is honest. Enrique was a lot of things but violent has never been one of them. He doubts that has changed. “Did you now?”

 

“No. Of course not.” Enrique shakes his head . “I could never.”

 

The sudden softness in his voice almost does it for Lauri, he almost reaches out, almost closes this gap between them. It would be just a touch, he tells himself, just a hand on his arm. Nothing of importance, nothing that could be held against them. Something that doesn’t mean anything.

 

But that’s a lie. Of course it would mean something. Everything that involves Enrique means something to Lauri. In one way or another.

 

Maybe Enrique sees it in his eyes, maybe it’s something else, but something shifts and Enrique clears his throat, straightens in his chair.

 

“We should go back to the others.” He says avoiding Lauri’s gaze as he gets up. He waits though, doesn’t move until he hears the scratching of Lauri’s chair being pushed back before he starts walking towards the door.

 

Lauri doesn’t move. It feels like he is rooted here at this spot next to the desk.

 

Enrique hesitates at the door for a moment, looking back at Lauri, like he’s waiting for him to follow. There is something in his eyes that Lauri doesn’t dare to think about too much.

 

He feels his heart beating like crazy in his chest, it’s a little like he’s 15 again, seeing Enrique the first time after he returned from his year abroad. For a moment the past 6 years don’t exist anymore and it’s a moment of bravery, or maybe stupidity but Lauri opens his mouth, his hands balled into fists at his sides but eyes locked with Enrique.

 

“Do you love her?”

 

The words echo through the room like he’d yelled them even though his voice had been barely more than a whisper. For a moment time stops and it’s either forever or just the blink of an eye but eventually Enrique’s eyes flicker downward before finding Lauri’s again, his lips pressed tightly together, expression unreadable.

 

Lauri knows the answer before Enrique says it.

 

“…Yes.”

 

Lauri nods, swallowing around the lump in his throat. He doesn’t know what kind of answer he expected, doesn’t even know why he asked. It’s not a question you are supposed to ask your ex. Not after six years of no contact, not after all this, after fucking up so badly and trying to fix it far too late with far too little. This is not how things are supposed to go, Lauri knows that. They had their shot and they blew it.  They aren’t the students anymore that they once, were, young and in love with not a care in the world. Enrique is his ex. He’s his past, just like he is for Enrique.

 

But Enrique isn’t an ex. Well, technically, he is. Except that he is so much more. Lauri knows the way people talk about exes, how some people basically collect them, he has heard countless of stories about exes. But Enrique is not that. Lauri doesn’t think the word is big enough for him.  An Ex is someone you get over.

 

Lauri takes in a shaky breathe. He tries to smile but he can’t. The look in Enrique’s eyes is killing him.

 

 “Lauri-“ Enrique begins but Lauri quickly shakes his head and surprising enough Enrique actually cuts himself of, a wild sadness in his eyes as they linger on Lauri in a way that causes Lauri’s heart to clench.

 

“No, it’s fine.” Lauri tries to smile but it feels strange and foreign on his face. “Maybe in the next life, you know?” he chuckles and it’s half a sob. Maybe Enrique doesn’t notice. Maybe he does. “Maybe we meet again and that time around I don’t fuck it up? Or like-“ he rubs his eyes with his sleeve “Maybe parallel universes? You know in one of them I’m sure we get to be happy. You and I together.”

 

_Maybe we even get to stay happy._ Lauri adds in his mind because he can see the objection in Enrique’s eyes, behind the sadness, the turmoil of emotions.

 

Because they were happy, once upon a time at one point they had been happy. So goddamn happy. Looking back it feels like a fever dream, surreal, somewhere between dreaming and waking.

 

 

Enrique looks like he’s about to cry again and Lauri really doesn’t know if he’ll be able to stand that. He’s caused this man enough pain.

 

“I think about this when I get sad you know?” Lauri explains, managing to keep his voice almost even. “when I hate myself for fucking up…I think about it. That in some other universe, some other life there’s a me that is good enough for you, that is able to make you happy. And be happy himself.”

 

It sounds desperate and Lauri knows that as soon as he opens his mouth even though it’s not meant that way, at least not fully.  Enrique is still standing in the doorway, half in half out, looking so incredibly unsure.

 

It’s an expression Enrique doesn’t wear often.

 

There is so much more he wants to say, wants Enrique to hear, to understand but it’s not really his place anymore, it becomes more and more obvious with each passing second.

 

“Go.” Lauri manages after a moment “I’ll catch up to you.”

 

Enrique hesitates, looking like he’s about to say something but in the end he remains silent and just nods, throwing on last glance over his shoulder before walking out. The door falls shut behind him.

 

All Lauri can think is _this time you are the one leaving._

 

The second the thought is there Lauri wants to claw it out with his fingernails, because he has no right, no right to think like this. This situation isn’t even remotely similar to what he did to Enrique six years ago. It’s not.

 

And yet it hurts.  It’s ridiculous how much it hurts.

 

 

***

 

 

**_ 30th November, 10 years ago _ **

****

_“You know,” Enrique said, his words just slightly slurred. If Lauri hadn’t seen him downing shot after shot he wouldn’t know how drunk the other boy really was. “You know I always thought you hated me. Back in High School I mean.” Enrique continued._

 

_He gave Lauri a half grin and nudged his ribs with his elbow, when Lauri didn’t immediately react with more than rolling his eyes._

 

_“I did not.” Lauri protested, fumbling with the cap of the half empty bottle but Enrique just lifted an eyebrow at his unconvincing response causing Lauri to sigh._

 

_Enrique had a way of looking through Lauri even when or maybe especially when Lauri’s ability to lie was heavily compromised by the amount of alcohol in his system. His gaze made Lauri felt exposed somehow, but strangely enough in a good way._

 

_Enrique was still looking at him so Lauri just shrugged, deciding to play it off as unimportant._

 

_“Fine.“ Lauri said eventually after Enrique had continued to poke his arm in the most annoying way possible. “Maybe I envied you.” It was the truth, at least a part of it. Judging by the change of expression on Enrique’s face it was at least a more satisfactory answer than the ‘I did not’ from before._

 

_Enrique had always been one of those people, who just walk into a room and everybody instantly liked them. He had this charming smile, that winning sparkle in his eyes and on top of all that an open, warmhearted personality. It had always pissed Lauri off. He’d glared at that perfect golden boy from the distance with a passion for years._

 

_It had felt unreal to Lauri to think that this boy had once been his friend, that this was a boy he had climbed trees with and carved their initials into the metal of the old red slide on the playground with. He had stared at this boy, trying to associate him with the kid who promised him forevereverever all those years ago and failed. Shortly after that promise Enrique had moved to the other side of town, because his mom and dad had gotten a divorce. Keeping in contact had become hard and Enrique had found new friends, older cooler friends, and for a kid, a week felt like forever and somehow, someway, days suddenly turned into weeks, into months and they hadn’t seen each other in a year. Then two, then three. Kid Lauri had resented Enrique for breaking the promise for a long time._

 

_“Maybe I did hate you.” Lauri mumbled after a moment, taking another sip from the bottle, glancing at Enrique through the strands of hair that had fallen into his face. He handed him the bottle but Enrique just held it for a moment, turning it in his hands for a few seconds before placing it on the ground, turning to face Lauri._

 

_“Why?” Enrique asked eventually and he actually sounded serious, like he genuinely wanted to know._

 

_Lauri scoffed and just vaguely gestured at Enrique while shrugging. Wasn’t that explanation enough?_

 

_Apparently not._

 

_“Why?” Enrique repeated, poking Lauri in the side, causing him to let out an embarrassing squeak. Enrique chuckled. Maybe it was the alcohol, maybe it was the way Enrique’s eyes glimmed in the dim light or just the general mood of the night, but Lauri suddenly found himself smiling. It seemed like this had become his default reaction to Enrique over the last months since they had met each other again at first day of Uni. This and rolling his eyes._

 

_“Maybe…”Lauri said slowly, softly, “Maybe because you were walking talking reminder of how I wasn’t nearly as heterosexual as I’d liked to be.”_

 

_“You gay?” Enrique asked bluntly before Lauri was half way done talking. There was a faint smirk on his lips that made Lauri feel all kind of things inside. He shifted awkwardly, trying to look away from Enrique but failing._

 

_“Never said that.” Lauri argued but it was only halfheartedly._

 

_Enrique chuckled. “You kinda did though.” He whispered, leaning in closer, not touching yet, but almost. Lauri could feel his breath on his neck, making him shiver._

 

_“Fuck you.” Lauri mumbled in response, turning his head, ever so slightly but they were so close their lips almost brushed. It was unbearable. Lauri couldn’t stop his hand from reaching out, brushing his thumb over Enrique’s cheek.  It almost felt like Enrique was leaning into the touch._

 

_A choked yelp of surprise escaped Lauri’s lips when Enrique suddenly did move, pressing his lips to the sensitive skin of Lauri’s neck. It was just a split second, nothing more than the blink of an eye but Lauri felt like someone had set fire to his skin. Everything just felt hot, so unbelievably hot. Enrique pulled back a little but just  enough so they could look at each other. His cheeks were flushed but there was a smug smile on his lips._

 

_“You didn’t hate me.” he said and the way he flicked his tongue over his lips might just be the death of Lauri “You wanted me.” he emphasized his words by pressing more kisses on Lauri’s neck until the last one was just above the hem of Lauri’s t-shirt. He wonders briefly if Enrique can feel how quick his pulse is going, if he knows what he is doing to Lauri._

 

_Judging by the look on his face he does._

 

_“Same thing.” Lauri got out through gritted teeth. He wished he could blame it on the alcohol, the way his fingers not so subconsciously tugged at Enrique’s clothes trying to get him closer._

 

_Enrique hummed in response, seemingly unfazed by Lauri’s words._

 

_“It’s not the same thing.” He whispered eventually as he moved to straddle Lauri. “It’s not mutually exclusive but it’s not the same thing.”_

 

_His knees now where at either side of Lauri’s hips, his arms around Lauri’s neck. He was so close, so impossibly close._

 

_“It’s not?” Lauri half said half groaned because in that moment Enrique chose to roll his hips, grinding down, causing Lauri’s eyes to flutter clothes for a moment his fingers clawing into the fabric of the damn shirt Enrique was still wearing._

 

_Lauri didn’t expect an answer,had already half forgotten what he’d said but in a way he still got one in form of Enrique finally finally pressing their lips together in a heated open mouthed kiss._

 

_“You still want me.” Enrique whispered once they had to part for air, both breathless._

 

_Lauri remembers thinking_ how could I not? _There will always be a part of him that wants Enrique. Even now. Even after all that happened, even after all that time._

 

 

***

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is not the end.
> 
>  
> 
> As always big big thank you to Succube and Chika <33


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here we go. Better late than never, right?

**_Enrique_ **

 

**__ **

**_ Now _ **

 

Lauri doesn’t return to their table that night. Or maybe he does return, but if he does it’s after Enrique himself is already gone.

 

When Enrique comes back, Bora, Paul and the others joke, asking him if he had murdered Lauri in some abandoned hallway or something, pointing out his hostile behavior from before. They had laughed and Enrique had felt sick to his stomach.

 

He feels like whole different person now that he has returned from the silent, empty corridors, walking back into the crowded gym, full of people, laughing, talking. When he arrived here today he had been one of them, but now it’s different. Enrique feels different, like there is them and there is him. Separate. They don’t know, he does.

 

A part of him wonders how Lauri must feel, if it’s the same for him, if it’s even worse. It must be. He cannot imagine how it can _not_ be worse.

 

He tries to compare himself to the Enrique who sat down here at the beginning of the evening, cheerful and unsuspecting and then angry and mean, the Enrique who didn’t know. It just doesn’t fit anymore. It’s like to two images that should show the same thing but something is off, something doesn’t match.

 

Now Enrique just feels drained, tired, confused, unsure what to think, what to feel. The only thing he knows for sure is that there is a deep, deep ache in his chest that he doesn’t know how to deal with. It feels too raw.

 

He’s still completely at loss even hours later when he’s already back at his mom’s house where he’s staying for the weekend. He is lying in bed, repeating the words Lauri had said tonight over and over again in his mind until he’s sure they will be forever burned into his consciousness. It makes his head hurt, makes the pain in his heart, which had been a constant reminder of Lauri over the years, flame up again, baring its teeth.

 

He’s not sure how he can bear this, how he’s supposed to sleep, to eat, to live, knowing what he knows now. Knowing a truth that cannot be changed, not anymore. He had wondered so often, had screamed and yelled and asked why? Why? Why had Lauri done this? Why? Why?

 

Now he knows the _why_ and it doesn’t make it better, not one bit. Except it’s now why had _she_ done this?

 

It changes everything and yet it doesn’t, because the outcome is the same. They still lost, they still ended. It doesn’t change that but god, Enrique wishes it did.

 

 

There is a very special kind of exhaustion, the kind you feel after having cried for hours, when your head feels dizzy, your eyes are sore and your chest just aches from the sobs.  You feel it in your bones. It’s like your soul itself is hurting.

 

Enrique hasn’t felt like that in years but tonight he does and once again it’s for Lauri. For everything he said, what happened to him, what happened to them, for what they lost, for what could have been but was taken from them, for all those years of lies. For the look in Lauri’s eyes when he had asked that last question and the beat his heart skipped at it.

 

_Do you love her?_

 

Enrique cannot describe the storm of contradicting feelings Lauri’s sudden reappearance in his life had cause in him. His first instinct, the very first split second, his treacherous heart had felt joy. Seeing his face after all those years, being in the same room as him, hearing his voice, it had been like a reflex. Old habits die hard or something like that. But then almost the same moment he had remembered (not that he ever forgot) and all he’d felt was angry. So unbelievably angry. At Lauri of course, for all that had happened, for the pain and heartbreak he’d put Enrique through. But also angry at himself, for the way his heart tumbled, for how the urge to reach out, to hold, to kiss was there, despite the hate, the hurt and the feeling of complete bad utter betrayal.

 

Enrique had been so sure of himself, right in his anger, right in everything. It was all justified, right?

 

And then Lauri, as usual, had turned everything upside down. With timid words and cast down eyes, he had changed everything. Everything was altered, twisted, bathed in a completely new light and Enrique doesn’t know how to deal with that.

 

Lauri hadn’t cheated. Lauri hadn’t sabotaged their relationship, not out of lack of love at least. Lauri had been sick, his mind had been. He had suffered. More than Enrique had ever realized.

 

Major depressive episode, Rape trauma syndrome, anxiety, his brain supplies, and Enrique wants nothing more than to shut those thoughts out because he hates it, he hates it so much that he has to associate these terms with Lauri now. It’s not just work anymore, not just stuff he learned about from books and classes. It’s Lauri now.

 

And Lauri had been raped.

 

God, Enrique feels sick at the word alone.  But it’s so much more. The word is just the tip of the iceberg.

 

The thing is Lauri hadn’t even said anything too specific about it. He couldn’t, he had said and Enrique knows, at least he thinks he does, that it’s at least partially to protect him. Lauri wanted to spare him the details, the specifics but maybe for Enrique that makes things worse. Because now he’s lying here, in his old childhood bedroom staring at the dark ceiling and there are thousands of images, possibilities Enrique’s mind is providing him with. Snippets from movies, altered, changed, trying to fit the picture Lauri had implied with his careful words.

 

Of course Enrique can’t be sure if actually knowing it, knowing everything about that day, that truth that had tortured Lauri for so long, that had ultimately been the beginning of the end of their relationship, would make it more bearable or even worse. He can just wonder.

 

All this is just so unbelievably unfair, it makes Enrique want to scream, to cry, to punch something like some brainless Neanderthal, because right now he feels, among all those other things, just helpless.

 

So many thoughts race through his head.

 

Enrique thinks about Lori and the way she smiled at him, telling him to have a good time at the reunion. He thinks about her yellow toothbrush in his bathroom.

_Do you love her?_

 

But he also thinks about the ring. The goddamn ring he had found in one of Lauri’s jackets, months after Lauri had left, when Enrique had decided to finally throw away his stuff in an attempt of getting over him. He had held onto it, had stuffed it in the back of a drawer, pretending to forget about its existence, pretending to never have found it. Eventually after graduation, when University ended and he couldn’t justify keeping it any longer, he’d thrown it away. He never told Paul why he had needed to get so shitfaced drunk that night.

 

Enrique thinks about that red dress Lori promised to wear if he accompanied her to her sister’s birthday party and the day he found out that her blonde isn’t natural but a dye job. He thinks about her asking, with a sweet smile on her lips and himself agreeing because sure why not? Why not go with her, meet her sister?  The birthday would be next month and at that time, that evening, next month had seemed so sure. Of course he’d still be with Lori, of course things would be the same. The thought that it might be different had never even crossed Enrique’s mind. He hadn’t seen it coming.

 

Hadn’t seen _him_ coming.

 

Lauri always had a way of blindsiding Enrique. With a smile, with a glance, four words,… When he thinks about Lauri it’s like Lori is just background noise. It’s not fair. To nobody involved. But nothing seems to be these days.

 

_Do you love her?_

 

_***_

**_ 31th March, this year _ **

_Enrique wasn’t sure why he had come here. He didn’t even like this type of bar. The music was too loud, the people too drunk and the only food they could offer was unsalted peanuts.  Who even liked unsalted peanuts?_

 

_At least his drink tasted fine. It wasn’t what he had wanted to order but it tasted good. Sort of. He liked the color. He couldn’t remember the name of the drink he had actually wanted to order so he had tried to describe it to the bartender and this was what he had ended up with. Not the same thing but close enough. It was good. Right?_

 

_He took another sip when suddenly a woman slipped onto the barstool next to him, offering a wide smile._

 

_“Hey there.” She said, her eyes sparkling in the dim light. They looked somewhere between green and blue, matching the shirt she was wearing. She was pretty, her ash blonde hair in a ponytail, a few loose strands framing her face. She held a drink, a strawberry daiquiri in hand, taking a sip while shooting him a somewhat expecting glance._

 

“ _Hey?” Enrique replied after offering her a smile in return. She seemed nice and this wasn’t really the first time a woman was approaching him at a bar._

 

_“You are one of the new interns too, right?” she said, giving him a quick up and down. “Enrique if I remember correctly?”_

 

_“Uh…” Enrique heard himself dumbly say. She knew him? And if she did, wasn’t he supposed to know her too? He felt his face flush and quickly cleared his throat. “I’m sorry, but I don’t…remember you?”_

 

_She didn’t seem all too bothered by that, just batting her hand, taking another sip from her drink. “Ah you wouldn’t. I stood in the back and since I’m so short…” she laughed and so did Enrique. She seemed sweet, easygoing. He liked her smile._

 

_“Well anyway…” she straightened a bit and put on a face that was mock serious. “My name is Lauri Greene. Nice to meet you.”_

 

_Lauri._

 

_Enrique felt the breath get stuck in his throat and it must show on his face because all of sudden she didn’t seem so flirty anymore. A little confused maybe, but still amused._

 

_“Lauri?” he repeated, trying not to give the name any meaning, trying not to think. It’s just a name. Just a name. Nothing more. “Your name is Lauri.”_

 

_But it took him a split second too long, one moment, a little too slow. His mind was faster than his instinct of self-preservation._

 

_Lauri._

 

Do the words on your lips freeze when you hear my name too? Does it hurt? Can you say it? Or are you pathetic like me?

 

Do you think about me every now and then? About how long it’s been? Does that last day haunt you too? Do you still remember the look on my face like I remember yours?

 

_It felt a bit like opening pandora’s box._

 

_After the break up, after had Lauri left and Enrique had finally realized that he wasn’t coming back, that they were truly over, it had been hard. Enrique wasn’t exactly proud of it, but he had a hard time being ashamed too. Because it had mattered. What he lost, it had mattered, if it hadn’t, it would have been easier._

 

_Being sad, being angry, it had felt right. But at one point he knew he had to let it go, had to bring himself to move on._

 

_It had been so hard to go on with life, to pretend that the center of your universe, the person you were building your life around wasn’t missing. To pretend everything was okay or rather going to be okay.  Because it hadn’t felt like that._

 

_Enrique could still feel the dull ache in his chest when he thought about it too much. It worked though, it had to of course, life went on, it didn’t wait for you. And Enrique, to be able to do that, had put Lauri in a box in his mind. A tiny box and stuffed it in a dark corner of his mind building other stuff around it so he could pretend it wasn’t there. It was the only way he could get himself to get out of bed in the morning. The only way he could stop himself from sleeping on the couch because the bed felt too big and the only way he could try and stop missing him._

 

_Now it felt like the name alone had made the box fall open, had unlocked it, had made the lid come off and Enrique wasn’t sure how to put it back on._

 

Do you think of me sometimes? In the shadow between night and dawn, when you can pretend it’s not real?

 

_She squinted at him and for a moment he feared he might her weirded her out somehow but instead she shook her head, smiling. “No. It’s Lori. With an O.”_

 

_“Oh.” Enrique let out, feeling slightly embarrassed. He wasn’t supposed to react like this. It was just a name. Just a similar sounding name. He forced a smile onto his lips. “Lori.” The syllables felt foreign and yet so goddamn familiar in his mouth. “Is that short for Loreen or…?”_

 

Are you eating well again? Are you sleeping better? Are you still drinking like you used to?

 

_The alcohol tasted foul all of sudden and he pushed the drink away, just an inch but it felt unbelievably stupid. Lauri had never liked cocktails much._

 

_Lori however seemed to._

 

_“No.” she grinned. ”Just Lori. At least that’s what my ID says.” She even winked and Enrique couldn’t help but smile at that. It was sweet. It was nice. He needed that, right?_

 

_“Ah…” he said. “Lori…” he tried to make that distinction in his head, Lori. With an O. It wasn’t even the same name. It was fine. And if her hair had the same color, what did it matter? It was probably just the light any way. “…okay…”_

 

Do you smile?

 

_Lori smiles, quirking an eyebrow “Got a problem?”_

 

_“No.” Enrique quickly shook his head, he knew he was acting weird. He just hoped she could overlook that. “It’s just the name…”_

 

Do you ever look back? How we started, how we ended? Or any day in between at all?

 

_For a moment she looked confused but then she gives him a knowing smirk, nodding solemnly. “Bad break up?” she asked._

 

_The simple answer was yes because it was true. Yes they broke up and yes it was bad but it still felt weird to admit it, to offer up this kind of information. Because there was more to it. It wasn’t easy, it wasn’t just a bad break up. It was so much more. It hurt so much more than a break up ever should, but Enrique didn’t feel comfortable admitting that, not to himself and not to a stranger at a bar. Even one with a sweet smile and this type of sparkly eyes._

 

_“You could say that…” Enrique offered, trying to make it sound nonchalant but either she didn’t pick up on it or she looked right through him because she gave him a sympathetic smile, patting his shoulder with her free hand._

 

_“One time offer for my fellow doctor since I’m in dire need of a friend,” she poked his shoulder with her finger, giving him a cheeky smile “You, and only you, may call me….Loreen. It’s my gift to you. What do you say?”_

 

_Enrique coughed, looking away for a moment. It was a nice offer, meant to be funny probably, a kind of inside joke or something like that but agreeing to it, it would feel wrong. It would be another admission tonight, giving a name that much power. After 6 years it shouldn’t matter anymore and if he agreed on this it would feel like defeat. And he couldn’t do that, he couldn’t let Lauri win, wherever he was, whatever he was doing, he couldn’t. Lori was nice, she was kind, she was funny, she was pretty. Lauri had no right to fuck this up for Enrique, Enrique shouldn’t, couldn’t let him._

 

_So he smiled, shaking his head “No.” he said “That’s not necessary. Lori is fine.”_

 

_“Good” Lori gave him a victorious smirk gesturing for the barkeeper to refill her drink “Because in return I would have called you Ricky.” She giggled “And I don’t think you would have liked that, would you?”_

 

_Enrique smiled “I’d absolutely hate that.”_

 

_****_

 

**_ Now _ **

 

Enrique turns to his side, tries to shift, tries to shut his mind off but to no avail.

 

He stares at the old folders with his school stuff on top of the closet. It makes him think of the day he found out about the death of Lauri’s parents. It had been one of his first days back at school after spending a year abroad. He had had to redo one year and coincidently ended up in the same grade as Lauri. Lauri who sat 4 rows before him in history class. Paul had told Enrique, in a hushed tone, as an explanation to a snide remark Peter had made.

 

It had been 4 months ago, car crash, and Enrique had felt so unbelievably guilty, because he hadn’t been there for Lauri. Sure, he had been a thousand miles away, hadn’t known and they hadn’t been close in years but it hadn’t changed the feeling of guilt, the feeling of having failed Lauri. But Enrique had felt too awkward to say something, unsure how to approach the other boy so he hadn’t said anything and eventually the feeling had passed.

 

Enrique doubts it will be like that this time around. Again, something horrible has happened to Lauri and this time Enrique doesn’t have the excuse of having been away or not having been close. He’d failed Lauri. _Again_. Hadn’t been there for him at least not in the way Lauri had needed him to. Even though Enrique knows it’s not entirely his fault, because he didn’t know and he tried, he tried really hard, regardless, tried to fight for them. But it hadn’t been enough and there’s a nagging part of his mind repeating that yes he didn’t know and yes he tried but he should have known. And he should have tried harder.

 

_Do you love her?_

 

Enrique thinks about how he cannot remember his last kiss with Lori. He knows they did kiss, for goodbye probably, but he can’t really recall it, at least not the way the memory of the last time Lauri and him kissed, six years ago, is still as clear and vivid in his mind as if it had happened an hour ago. And how is that fair? How does that make sense?

 

Three days before the end, in the kitchen.  Enrique had been cooking something, maybe Spaghetti, maybe something else, and Lauri had emerged from their bedroom, silent and tired looking. He’d been wearing one of Enrique’s shirts and Enrique remembers the feeling of his heart sinking because that T-shirt used to fit so well and now it hung far too loosely from Lauri’s shoulders and there were deeper shadows above his collarbones than there ever should be.

 

Enrique had said something about the food and how Lauri hadn’t eaten properly in days. Lauri had just mumbled something in response, shuffling around.

 

In his mind Enrique had started to compare him to a ghost sometimes, even though he had hated himself for it. Somewhere deep down he had known the Lauri couldn’t help himself that sometimes his mind just went to that dark faraway place, where he wouldn’t or couldn’t let Enrique reach him. At first it had been sometimes, now and then, in between, but at one point this Lauri, this distant and sad Lauri, had become the norm, and as much as Enrique had hated it, had tried to fight it, he had become used to it.

 

Lauri had stood there carefully peeking over Enrique’s shoulder to catch a glimpse at what was cooking and Enrique had just asked it, out of nowhere. “Kiss me?” He’d been aware of how weird and needy he had sounded but for some reason it had felt important.  He had waited for Lauri to laugh, to roll his eyes like he would have months ago but this Lauri, this, the depressed Lauri had just looked at him blankly, silently. Enrique had been ready to turn away again, embarrassed and disappointed but not surprised. But then Lauri had reached forward, timidly, his fingers touching the sleeve of Enrique’s shirt before leaning in, just ever so slightly. It had been a chaste kiss, just a short, soft peck on the lips but in that moment it had meant the world to Enrique.

 

Lauri’s lips had been dry and chapped but it had been him and that had been enough. That has always been enough. More than enough.

 

Until today Enrique doesn’t know if Lauri had wanted to kiss him or only had done it because Enrique had asked. Lauri probably doesn’t know either.

 

Enrique had come to the conclusion a long time ago that Lauri had struggled with some sort of mental illness, had even asked Lauri to seek help but hearing it now out loud is a whole different story.

 

He has learned all the clinical terms, has read about it in books had heard about it in class, even had read one or two case studies . Enrique knows what depression, major depression, does to a brain, to a  person, and even though the picture fits, he struggles, still struggles with it after having thought about it all for hours even after all that Lauri has told him.

 

He thinks about Lauri wanting to die, actually trying and it makes tears dwell in his eyes once again and a distant part of him wonders how there can be anything left inside him.

 

He could have lost Lauri. In more than just the one way.

 

The thing is, and Enrique hates himself for that more than just a little, he had never really considered it. Even when Lauri had started saying it, threatening to kill himself, saying he’d rather be dead and all those things, those off handed comments, said in anger mostly. Enrique had never taken it seriously. Not really. So now the revelation that it had been very much serious is just another knife to his chest, twisting, cutting. It hurts and he knows he deserves it.

 

Enrique knows sleep won’t come easily tonight, at least not anytime soon .The numbers on the alarm clock keep changing, shifting inexorably closer and closer to morning. He looks at it and imagines the tic toc even though the clock is digital and he hasn’t had a ticking one in years, not since the one he had when Lauri and him still shared a bed.

 

He counts them, 1023…, 1024…, 1025…, tic toc, tic toc.

 

Maybe it’s his heartbeat, the seconds,  maybe he’s just going crazy. 1030…, 1031…, 1032...

 

_Do you love her?_

 

It’s 5.30 in the morning when Enrique finds himself in the kitchen, a glass of tab water in hand. It’s July, summer, so the sun has already risen. Birds are singing outside and cold morning light brushes over the colorful flowers in his mother’s lawn. It’s idyllic, beautiful, like a scene from a movie but it seems so unfitting, mismatched to Enrique somehow. Like he’s on a different page of the script because right now he feels like this is a moment for grey skies, for clouds and dull rain, for something less bright, less promising.

 

Enrique turns away from the window.

 

On the fridge hangs a photograph of himself, his doctor’s degree certificate in hand, grinning brightly for the camera. The end of his time at the university it had marked. The beginning of the rest of his life, as his mom had called it, tears in her eyes, hugging him so much he felt like he was going to suffocate.

 

The picture reminds Enrique not only of the last but also the very first day of University. He had been so young, so excited and so very ready for this new chapter of his life education-wise mostly, of course, but also moving away from home, gaining more freedom, being more independent, it had all seemed so promising, so thrilling. And it had been all that. All those things Enrique had thought about walking through the gates of campus for the first time as an actual student. All that and more. Because one thing his young unassuming self hadn’t counted on, hadn’t even thought about.

 

Lauri.

 

This had also been the chapter where Lauri, unexpected, unannounced had reentered Enrique’s life. A little like tonight. Except back then it had been in a complete chick flick worthy way, while tonight, or rather, yesterday it had been everything but that.

 

 

***

 

 

**_ 1st October, 10 years ago _ **

 

**__ **

_“Of all the people I could have run into…and it just had to be you.”_

 

_Enrique looked up from where he was currently reading a very much non interesting brochure about student counseling that he’d picked up from the sideboard. He’d been waiting here for almost 10 minutes for his turn to walk up to the counter and get the receptionist lady to sort out the mess with his dorm room. Currently there was still a girl there, arguing in hushed voices with the woman and Enrique had gotten tired of standing, sitting down in one of the two chairs offered in the university’s secretariat._

 

_He’d been trying not to listen in on the argument between the two women but it hadn’t been easy.  Until now._

 

_In front of him stood a guy, roughly his height, maybe a bit taller, with ash blonde hair even though it was mostly covered by a dark blue beanie, only the fringe poking out. He had blue eyes and a smile on his lips that was somewhere between genuine and annoyed._

 

_Enrique knew him. Of course he knew him. How could he not. The familiarity in the guy’s eyes, the way his lips curled into the smile, for some reason it makes Enrique’s heart tumble even though it’s been probably years since they last spoke to each other. Sure they had seen each other during class sometimes or in between but it hadn’t been like this._

 

_Lauri._

 

_He was still looking at Enrique and Enrique realized that he was probably staring at him dumbly so he quickly put on a charming smile, grinning up at Lauri, shrugging. He silently wondered why his heart was hammering inside his chest like he’d been running a hundred miles just now._

 

_“Fate?” Enrique suggested, winking like the fool he was, because he just can’t help himself. Ridiculous over the top flirtyness, hardly appropriate. He was self-aware enough to know it was part of his charm. Sure enough, Lauri just rolled his eyes plopping down in the chair next to Enrique, folding up the paper he held in hand. It was just a tiny bit wrinkly, like he’d been fumbling it around in his hands. A nervous habit maybe?_

 

_“Fuck fate.” Lauri scoffed but his eyes were warm and for a moment Enrique felt like they were kids again, sitting side by side on a branch of a tree they climbed, up to high, pondering on how to get down again._

 

_“Oh c’mon.” Enrique laughed. “Could be worse right?”_

 

_Enrique had always suggested jumping while Lauri had always voted for trying to climb._

 

_“Mh.” Lauri made a vague noise accompanied by a hand gesture that made Enrique let out a silent laugh._

 

_One time, jumping down, Lauri had twisted his ankle. Enrique had probably cried more than Lauri._

 

_“Lauri!” Enrique called out, pretending to be offended earning another eye roll from Lauri. “C’mon I’m a nice person. People like me.”_

 

_Lauri lifted an eyebrow and Enrique felt stupid for the way such a simple gesture made him want to grin like an idiot. Damn he knew he was a hopeless fool, when it came to this stuff but this was a new level of ridiculousness._

 

_“Great.” Lauri said a smug expression on his face, he brushed his fringe out of his eyes with one hand. “In that case you’ll survive if one mean person, aka me” he made an exaggerated pause, eyes never leaving Enrique’s “does not like you. Mr. ‘I’m a nice person people like me’”_

 

_The girl that had occupied the counter turned around and stomped away. The receptionist lady turned to look at Enrique expectantly. He didn’t spare her a glance._

 

_“Honest?” he said and Lauri nodded. “I’d absolutely hate that. You not liking me.”_

 

_This time it was Lauri’s turn to chuckle. “Well too bad. Not your choice.”_

 

_“So you are the one making the choices here?” Enrique leaned back. It was weird how natural it felt, talking with Lauri like this. This back and forth, this easiness.  “That hardly seem fair.”_

 

_“So what?” Lauri replied, the tone in his voice challenging in a way that could almost be mistaken for flirty. “What you gonna do about it, sir?”_

 

_Enrique grinned. He’d never been one to back down from a challenge. “I’ll convince you.”_

 

_“Confident much, aren’t we?” Lauri commented, unimpressed._

 

_Enrique bit his lip. “Want to bet?” goddamn what was going on with him?  This wasn’t a way you were supposed to talk to a guy you haven’t spoken to in years, a guy who you once were friends with but somehow stopped and now you meet again. Taking is slow, taking it easy, being charming, that would probably be the right approach, but for some reason it was all just a fuzzy mess in Enrique’s stomach. He could see Lauri’s eyes flicker for a moment._

 

_“Sure.” Lauri said eventually causing Enrique’s grin to get wider. “What’s in it for me?”_

 

_“…You get to say I told you so?” Enrique offered lamely but he had noticed as long as you say things with enough confidence people usually don’t call you out on how lame you are. Lauri would though, he can see it in his eyes. Yet for some reason, Lauri chooses not to. Instead he smiles._

 

_“Good enough.”_

 

_It’s encouraging, not that Enrique needs much of that but it’s still nice. “Deal.” He said “But if I win-“_

 

_“Who says you get anything?” Lauri cut him off quickly, shaking his head in a way that Enrique found completely adorable._

 

_“If I win…” Enrique repeated himself ignoring Lauri’s halfhearted protest “…you stop smoking.” He finished triumphantly while Lauri scoffed folding and unfolding the piece of paper in his head._

 

_“No fucking way.” Lauri, licked his lips, his eyes not leaving Enrique’s. “Not if all I get is a lame ‘I told you so.’ You gotta do better than that.”_

 

_Enrique smiled. “Better, huh?”_

 

_“Yeah, better.” Lauri said. “So what do you got, sir?”_

 

_Enrique couldn’t help but laugh, “You want me to show you what I got?” he suggestively wiggled his eyebrows “Right here? Right now?”_

 

_“Oh god,” Lauri groaned, face bright red. It made Enrique’s grin even wider. “Does shit like that, ever work for you?”_

 

_“Perhaps.“ Enrique shrugged “Does it now?”_

 

_“No, what the fuck.” Lauri rolled his eyes, trying to fix his fringe with one hand. “You are ridiculous, you know that right?”_

 

_Enrique shrugged, “It’s been brought to my attention, yes.”_

 

_“Fine.” Lauri let out an exasperated sigh. “If I win you have to buy me a month worth of cigarettes. Deal?”_

 

_Enrique smiled, “Deal.”_

 

***

 

 

Never, in a million years Enrique would have thought they’d part ways again. Him and Lauri. He had this apparently unrealistic romantic idea stuck in his head, that this was it, that _they_ were it, that from that day they’d be together for the rest of their life. Like a fool he had believed, had held onto it even when things started to get rough, even after Lauri had left. It had been so incredibly hard to let that dream go, to adapt to reality, to accept that life doesn’t work that way, at least not this time, not for them.

 

He’d never thought, after finding Lauri, after kissing him that night, after him asking to be together, after countless ‘I love you’s’ , he’d be alone again. 

 

And the truth is he hadn’t been. Enrique had always been a social person, getting along well with almost everyone, making friends quickly. It comes natural to him. So he hadn’t been alone, not really except that he was. It doesn’t matter that it doesn’t make sense, rationally, but he’d been. He managed to blend it out over the years, forget it but now, lying here, thinking about it all, it feels like a fresh wound, bleeding and pulsing.

 

Because Lauri was back. Not really, not permanently, just a few hours, a guest appearance nothing more. A scene, a moment. But the gap he left in Enrique’s life six years ago feels bigger than ever.

 

_Maybe in the next life,_ Lauri had said, _Maybe in some parallel universe.._.

 

The thing that makes the words even more painful to Enrique, is that Lauri never believed in stuff like that. He’d never been one to say sappy shit like that, to believe in fate or soulmates or whatever. Lauri was never the romantic type, never the one to talk about forevers or true love.

 

 So Enrique doesn’t know if Lauri just said it for him, to console him, to ease the pain, to make the ache of losing less severe, or if he actually does believe. If it’s the only way he can handle this, being apart, believing in something that goes against every fiber of his being.

 

Enrique isn’t sure what would be worse, because even if Lauri doesn’t believe, Enrique does. Always did.

 

He thinks about that next life, those other universes, about the life he gets to spend with Lauri there and the life he thought he’d get in this one. But all he got were three years. Three and a half years. And it’s not enough, it’s not nearly enough. It feels like being cheated, it feels unfair, unjust.  It’s not right.

 

This is not the way a love story is supposed to go.

 

Kindergarten friends, childhood crush, losing touch, finding each other again, all consuming love, yes, yes that part went right, that part worked, but now it’s all screwed up. They lost the script somewhere along the way.

 

Weren’t they supposed to get a happily ever after? A sunset, handholding, rolling credits while romantic music plays? Something good, something bright?

 

Instead they got this. And Enrique hates whoever decided that this was going to be their life, from the bottom of his heart. Who made that call, made that choice?

 

_Her? That woman?_ How was that fair?

 

They could have had everything but now it was over. Lauri would go back to Finland today. And Enrique to Lori. Returning to their respective lives when they could have had one life. Together.

 

He feels angry at the thought, so angry. But also guilty, because there’s a voice, quiet, barely even a whisper, but it’s there, reminding him. Lauri had asked. It was over but Lauri had asked.

 

_Do you love her?_

 

Enrique doesn’t know what to do with that. Didn’t know then, doesn’t know now. It’s too much. It’s too late. How can he ask that?

 

_Do you love her?_

 

What did that mean? What was he saying?

 

_Do you love her?_

 

It’s over. They had their shot, they tried their best. It’s over. It’s over.

 

Right?

 

Enrique presses his face in his hands.

 

_Do you love her?_

 

_Do you love me?_

 

***

 

 

“Good morning, sweetie.” His mother says softly as she walks into the kitchen and Enrique distantly wonders how long he’s been sitting here, but then again his mother had always been an early riser.

 

She smiles at him sitting down at the kitchen table across from him. “Would you like some breakfast? “

 

He shakes his head. He doesn’t know if he can eat right now, or ever again for that matter. It all feels so messed up inside him.

 

“Did you have fun last night at the reunion?” his mother asks. “I imagine it being good to see your old friends again? Paul was there wasn’t he?”

 

Enrique swallows. He isn’t sure how he’s supposed to explain to his mother, that fun is the last word he’d use to describe last night. That Paul having been there was the furthest thing from his mind right now.

 

“I…” he tries, clearing his throat “It was…” he doesn’t know what to say. She’s looking at him with a soft gaze, loving and motherly. He has always felt loved, he had always trusted her. What Lauri had implied last night, that she hadn’t been okay with him being with a man, it feels foreign to him somehow and yet there is no reason for Lauri to lie about it. Not now, not with all the other things he said last night. The fact that his mother didn’t like him feels almost unimportant in the light of everything.

 

“Mom…” Enrique begins slowly even though he isn’t quite sure where he is going with this. “…can I ask you something?”

 

“Of course.” She smiles. “What is it?”

 

Enrique nods, looking for a way to put it into words, without giving too much away. He’d always had trouble, talking around things instead of just getting straight to the point. But right now it’s different because he isn’t even sure himself what the point is.

 

“…When you left dad and got the divorce…was it” he hesitates for a moment “…was it because you didn’t love him anymore?”

 

It’s a weird thing to ask, out of the blue like this, Enrique realizes that. It’s been about 20 years ago, long in the past and it had never really bothered him, his parents splitting up, being raised only by his mother for a while until she married his stepfather.

 

“Well…” She looks confused for a moment. “…no. Enrique, I loved your father. That’s why I married him and had you.”

 

“I mean when you left him.” Enrique explains, pressing his lisp into a tight line “Why did you do it? Why did you leave? Things were good, weren’t they? I always thought you and dad were happy…”

 

His mother sighs softly, straightening the collar of her dressing gown. “Your father is a good man. And things weren’t bad. And yes…when I left him I loved him.”

 

“Then why did you leave?” Enrique asks, the words out faster than his mind can catch up.

 

“Because I wasn’t happy.” His mother says and for a moment she seems to be somewhere else with her thoughts. “Well I was happy. Just not as happy as I knew I could be. And I loved your father, but not as much as I knew I could love somebody else. It was good. But I knew it could be better.”

 

_Do you love her?_

 

_Yes._

 

“I know. I know that.” Enrique isn’t quite sure how to put this mess into words. How to clear his mind, how to get the answer he so desperately needs. “I- You told me that years ago but I was just wondering…was there more to it? I mean did you lie to me, maybe? Because I was a kid?”

 

His mother frowns at him, halting in her movement for a moment. Her eyes was somewhat guarded, an expression Enrique hasn’t seen on her face before. Or maybe he just never _wanted_ to see it.

 

“Mom,” Enrique clears his throat “Did you leave dad for somebody else…was there- was there somebody else?”

 

He can’t look her in the eyes, his face feels flush with embarrassment and the seconds ticking by while he waits for her answer feel like hours.

 

“There was not.” she says eventually, her voice tender. “Everybody thought there was, but it was just me. Me making a choice. I wanted more. I didn’t want good. I wanted better.”

 

“And was it?” Enrique asks, looking up, feeling a lump forming in his throat. “Was it better?”

 

His mother smiles. “Yes it was. It was hard of course, because people didn’t understand. Especially my father,” she touches her necklace, an heirloom if Enrique remembers correctly “Your grandfather was furious. His daughter a divorce? For no reason at all? Shame.”

 

She chuckles, placing a hand on his arm, rubbing softly.

 

“Weren’t you scared?” Enrique asks after a moment. “You gave up a perfectly fine…” he hesitates “…marriage for…uncertainty. It could have gone wrong?”

 

“Of course I was scared.” She exclaims, her eyes crinkling. “From a logical point of view it was a very stupid choice. But it was mine and in my heart I knew it was the right thing. So ultimately it didn’t matter to me if people understood or not. I took you with me, I got that little flat in town, the new job, and I took good care of us, remember? I dated a few men, which I never told you about,” she pats his arm as he groans “and two years later I met your stepfather. And he made me happier than I’d ever imagined myself to be. And it was all possible because of that one allegedly stupid choice.”

 

_Choices._

 

The word seems to echo in Enrique’s mind. He thinks about how he threw it in Lauri’s face yesterday, yelling how Lauri took _his_ choice away, how he’d been unfair, how even leaving had been his choice not Enrique’s.

 

The word burns like fire.

 

He exhales a shaky breath, finding his mom’s eyes.

 

“…what if I…” he licks his lips. “…What if I were to make a stupid choice?”

 

Maybe it’s not so much about being given choices.

 

Maybe it’s more about making them.

 

His mom furrows her brow at that. She looks a little worried now, just as much as confused, but he can’t really explain it to her. Not when he can’t even explain it to himself yet. He just needs to talk to somebody.

 

 “Honey, what’s going on?” she asks. “You seem a little shaken up.”

 

“Mom just-“

 

“Is this about a girl?” she smiles brightly and Enrique groans burrowing his face in his hands.

 

“Mom.” He mumbles but she just chuckles, patting his arm.

 

“Enrique you are a smart boy-“

 

He cringes a little, at her calling him boy. He’s closer to thirty than twenty after all. He’s a doctor. He’s not a boy anymore. He shakes his head.

 

“This isn’t about being smart, mom. It’s not.” he sighs. “I _know_ it’s stupid, okay? No. Maybe not stupid but-  I know  that rationally- I’m just-“

 

“You want me to make a choice for you?” his mother asks and Enrique has never cut in so quickly in his life.

 

“No!” That’s not what he meant. That’s not what he is asking but judging from the look on his mother’s face she already knows that. She smiles.

 

“Then I believe you already have made your choice, haven’t you?” she pauses looking over her shoulder at the picture on the fridge. “You know, sweetie, how you always knew you wanted to become a doctor? And people, your father, your teachers, they all told you it was a stupid idea, a stupid choice, because of your dyslexia.”

 

Enrique nods. Of course he remembers. He remembers crying about it and telling it Lauri. And Lauri, even though being younger promising to help Enrique learn, drawing letters in the sand with his fingers.

 

_E + L_

 

“But you did it anyway.” His mother continues, unaware of what memories her words conjure up “You made that stupid choice. You know best what’s right for you. You followed your heart and look at you now.”

 

She sounds so proud, so genuinely convinced and Enrique wonders what she would say, what she would think if she knew _what exactly_ he is talking about.

 

Would she say the same? Would she still be proud?

 

“So you are saying I should follow my heart?” he asks slowly, carefully

 

keeping his voice even, ignoring the way the unsuspecting smile on her face stings just a little bit.

 

“What I am saying is that you are too young, too smart, to settle for anything less than you want.” She gives him an encouraging smile. “If you are not on the right path, get off it. You know what you want, do you not?”

 

“I want to be happy.”  Enrique says even though he feels more like mumbling it. His mother’s gaze is gentle when she asks the question he feared for maybe the past six years.

 

“Are you?”

 

He doesn’t know what to say.

 

_I thought I was,_ he thinks. _I am. I am, aren’t I?_

 

_This is good._

 

He looks away.

 

_But not as good as it could be?_

 

His heart is beating so fast.

 

_Do you love her?_

 

_Yes._

 

Enrique looks at his hands. There is a faint scar between his forefinger and his thumb. Barely there, more imagination, more memory, than reality. They had watched Winnetou, the day before. Him and Lauri.

 

_But not as much as I could love somebody else._

 

“Don’t worry too much, love.” His mother says getting up and walking towards the fridge. “You’ll make the right choice. You’ll find a nice girl again, one who is right for you. I know you will.” She takes the can with coffee beans from the top of the fridge, shooting him a smile. “My friend Rosa’s daughter just started med school, I could-“

 

“Mom no.” Enrique cuts her off quickly. “Don’t. Please don’t.”

 

She raises her hands in defeat, chuckling again. He wonders if she doesn’t notice or just chooses to ignore it, what’s going on inside him.

 

“I’ll get to make breakfast now. Could you go wake your stepfather?” she asks.

 

Enrique doesn’t move.

 

“What if I regret it?” he says quietly, more to himself than anyone else. “What if I go all in and still lose? What if I mess up?”

 

His mother turns around, a thoughtful expression on her face. “Then you will have to live with the consequences.” She says eventually. “It is the same with everything in life, Enrique. You have to decide if it is worth the risk.”

 

_Is it?_

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed this <3   
> told ya guys it wasn't the end yet.


	8. Choices

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is it, I guess.  
> Chapter 8. the last chapter. I hope you enjoy it.

 

**_ Now _ **

 

 

As a child Lauri had always liked airports. They were so busy, so full of life, coming and going, never standing still. They were like a whole tiny world in itself, living, breathing, changing.

 

 He remembers kneeling on the ground between his father’s legs playing with the toy t-rex he had ‘stolen’ from Enrique to take with him on the holiday. He remembers sitting there, watching the people, wondering if they were going to go on an adventure just like him, imagining, scenarios for the woman in the blue dress and the man next to her going to the jungle, or the two boys he saw at check in, they were going to climb the pyramids in Lauri’s head. It had been a fun thing to do, coming up with stories for them even though his sister had called him childish for it.

 

Now Lauri doesn’t make up stories for other people anymore. If he thought about that too long, he’d find it sad probably. But Lauri doesn’t and the truth is, he feels too absorbed with his own story right now to create stories for other people. There isn’t space left for imaginary adventures and excitement”. For himself, or the strangers around him.

 

Maybe that’s growing up. Maybe that’s just him.

 

When Lauri looks at people now it’s not to wonder where they are going or where they are coming from. Now it’s whether or not someone is waiting for them when they are getting off that plane, wherever they are going to.

 

He wonders if somebody told them goodbye.

 

Nobody told Lauri goodbye. Which isn’t anybody’s fault but his own, Lauri is aware of that. He’d told Enrique he’d follow him, he’d catch up. But he never did.

 

 He didn’t return to the table, to his old friends, didn’t tell any of them goodbye. It’s like an adaptation, a reenactment of some sort of him disappearing 6 years ago. Some obvious changes of course but the essence is the same. Lauri is running again. He doesn’t offer an explanation, doesn’t give anybody the opportunity to say goodbye. It’s unfair. Once again Lauri is being unfair, to himself and others but in the end that seems to be what he does best.

 

Being here, in this city, this airport, it feels like there is still room for something to happen, something to change and throw Lauri off kilter. He just wishes it would be over. But Lauri’s flight is delayed.

 

Departure should have been half an hour ago and yet Lauri is still sitting here, between an old Lady reading some magazine in Arabic and a middle aged man that had been asleep since Lauri sat down here over an hour ago. It makes him feel agitated, anxious for some reason. Just sitting here, waiting. Waiting for the plane? Waiting for something to happen?

 

 In a weird way it reminds him of himself sitting in that rental car almost a day ago, too scared to walk into his old High School, waiting, fidgeting with his hands, a million thoughts running through his head.

 

It feels like a lifetime ago.

 

Back then it was his choice, his own anxiety and indecisiveness that had held him back, had made him wait for forever in the car until he had buildup enough courage to get out, to walk into the school.

 

Right now it’s different because it’s not his own demons holding him back. He’s here unmoving, because of something he cannot control. It’s not his choice this time so all he can do is wait. Count the tiles again, watch the people, try to guess what the lady’s magazine is about.

 

There is nothing Lauri can do.

 

He tried. He did what he could. He told Enrique everything, had put it all on the table and more. There was nothing left to do. Just waiting. Waiting for the plane to take him away again. Take him away from the glimpse of an almost-maybe-happy –ending he had dared to let himself think about for only one split second.

 

It had been stupid, Lauri knew that. Irresponsible, pathetic, unfair, irrational… But he had to try. Didn’t he? He sighs silently, brushing his fringe out his forehead. Thinking about it hurts but Lauri is used to that by now. It’s been a part of his life for so long now, it’s not like he hadn’t known but seeing Enrique again and then having to leave _again_ it feels so unbelievably wrong Lauri isn’t sure how to deal with it.

 

When Lauri came here, it had been to tell the truth, to give himself and Enrique some closure. Nothing more, nothing less. Lauri hadn’t planned to feel like this, to ask that, to make that offer. He hadn’t meant to but the words had come out before he could stop himself. But that hadn’t made them any less true than anything else he had said that night.

 

The problem is that now it feels like Enrique is taking up every corner of Lauri’s heart again and that’s not good. It’s not okay, because Lauri knows to get him out again his heart will have to break. And Lauri had never been good at gluing it back together without cutting himself at the edges.

 

And the truth is. He doesn’t want to feel empty.

 

Lauri looks up as the light behind the counter changes and the flight attendant lady signals the waiting passengers that the plane is finally ready to be boarded.

 

Lauri takes a deep breath, getting up and getting out his backpack from underneath his chair. He’s walking towards the gate, the old lady with the magazine just a few steps before him, when he hears it.

 

“Wait!”

 

He stops in his tracks because surely his mind must be playing tricks on him. Lauri knows it doesn’t make any sense, he knows this could be meant for anyone, there are dozens of people here and it does not make sense, but the voice is so goddamn familiar and Lauri has to close his eyes, shaking his head slowly because he knew he wasn’t exactly on the rational sides of things, but being that crazy? He hadn’t expected that.

 

“Lauri, wait!”

 

Lauri slowly turns around, knowing he must look like a fool, but when he opens his eyes, by some sort of fucked up miracle, _he_ is there. He is really there and Lauri’s heart skips more than just one beat.

 

Enrique is standing there only a few feet away from Lauri, face flushed and his breathing going  quickly like he just ran a mile. He’s just standing there looking at Lauri and Lauri looks back, people are walking past them but for a ridiculous moment it feels like time around them is frozen.

 

“Enrique…” Lauri says slowly, his fingers wrapping around the strap of his backpack, just to have something to do, to hold onto. “What are you doing here? I-“ he gestures towards the gate behind him where the flight attendant is directing the passengers through the doors “I gotta board the plane…”

 

Enrique’s eyes flicker from Lauri to the gate and back. He licks his lips. “Don’t.”

 

“What?” Lauri can barely here himself over the hammering of his heart. “That’s my plane. I gotta-“

 

Enrique shakes his head, taking two steps forward so now he’s standing directly in front of Lauri. Lauri can see sweat on his forehead. He really did run.

 

“Don’t.” Enrique repeats, sounding more than a little breathless “Don’t get on that plane.”

 

“Enrique, what are you- What are you doing?” Lauri’s throat feels dry. He isn’t sure if he remembers how to breathe. His mind is going a hundred miles an hour. Enrique is here, he’s here right in front of Lauri, looking at him.

 

_What is happening?_

 

A part of Lauri wonders if Enrique had felt like this too, overwhelmed, blindsided, breathless, when Lauri had shown up out of the blue, completely unexpected.

 

“I’m-“ Enrique takes another shaky breath, he looks a little helpless but also determined. “I’m making a choice, Lauri.”

 

“A choice.” Lauri echoes dumbly. Enrique nods.

 

“Yes.” Enrique says. “I am asking you to not get on that plane. Because I…” he swallows, looking away before his eyes find Lauri’s again. “Because six years ago it was your choice to leave. But today it’s my choice to not let you go.” He pauses, rubbing his hand over his forehead “At least not without trying.”

 

Lauri isn’t sure how to process this. His backpack weighs heavy on his shoulders and Enrique’s eyes on him even heavier. He’s desperately looking for words but his brain is just empty.

 

“…trying what?” Lauri asks meekly. He thinks if he speaks any louder his voice might shatter. Enrique hears him anyway. It’s barely even a whisper and Lauri is so scared of the answer. There are a million different answers to this question, a million options, a million ways. But there is just one Lauri doesn’t even dare to let himself hope for.

 

“Yesterday you said ‘In the next life’,” Enrique says and Lauri isn’t sure how to feel about having his own words repeated back to him. “And I…Look…” He hesitates again, making that face he always did when he wasn’t sure how to put something into words. “What about this life, though?” he asks eventually and his gaze is so honest so open it almost hurts to look. “What about this life, Lauri? We are here. The both of us. We aren’t dead yet. Life isn’t over. There is still time.” he sounds almost desperate. “You and I, we are…Why not be happy in this life? In this universe? Screw before, screw the past. What about now? What about the future?”

 

“Enrique-“ Lauri feels like he is choking on his words. There is no way Enrique is really saying those things. This cannot be true. This isn’t their story. Lauri has accepted it, has come to terms with it. there is no happy ending. This isn’t a movie, this is life. But why is Enrique saying those things then? And why does it sound dangerously close to something that might be, could be-

 

“Don’t you- Don’t you think it’s a little too late for that?” Lauri tries to reason, with himself with Enrique, with whatever cruel joke is going on here. “I mean we-“

 

_We had our shot and we blew it. We lost._

 

_Isn’t it against the rules? Getting a second chance?_

 

“No.” Enrique shakes his head vehemently, reaches out, but stopping half way. “No, no I don’t think it’s too late. Sure we lost a few years, years we could have been together, and we don’t get those years back, god believe me I know that but- but that doesn’t mean we don’t get another shot, right? …pick up where we left off?“ he almost looks hopeful, his eyes pleading “I don’t mean you resenting me, pushing me a way and me letting you, me ‘backstabbing’ you. I mean us. You and me. It wasn’t all bad. Some of it was good. We were good.”

 

_I know, I know, god I know._ Lauri feels like crying. He wants to believe, he wants to believe that Enrique is really offering what Lauri thinks he is, but it’s just so hard. It doesn’t make any sense, for Enrique to be here, for him to say those things.

 

But Lauri really wishes it did. Because Enrique is right. It wasn’t all bad. It was far from it. Lauri has lied about a lot of things but he could never lie about this and Enrique must see it in his eyes. Because there’s a hint of a smile tugging at the corner of his mouth.

 

It makes Lauri’s heart ache with every beat. He wants to scream, for Enrique to not say those things, to stop talking, to just leave again. He wants to yell at him tell him not to give him any hope when there is none. Lauri doesn’t think he could survive losing Enrique a second time.

 

“You-“ Lauri lets out a shaky breath, hating that he can feel tears stinging in his eyes. “Enrique you have a girlfriend. You said you love her.”

 

Because he did. Lauri had asked. He had actually asked had said it out loud.

 

_Do you love her?_

 

And Enrique had said yes. He had looked Lauri in the eye and said yes so it didn’t make sense for him to be here now, for him to ask Lauri, for a future, together. A future for the two of them, despite everything.

 

“I do.” Enrique nods and there is something that could be guilt, could be something else, in his eyes. “And yes I love her, but-“

 

_But what?_ Lauri wants to ask, wants to yell, wants to whisper. _But what?_

 

He thinks about the countless times Enrique had told him he loved him, the countless ways and words but never once had he said _but_. Never once linked loving Lauri to something contrasting it, to a _but_. It doesn’t make sense, even less than Enrique being here, hearing him say those words…

 

“But she’s not you.” Enrique continues and Lauri doesn’t think he has ever heard Enrique sounding more sincere. “Lauri, she’s not you. And I…I don’t care if that makes me a horrible person but…” he clears his throat and smiles hesitantly “…but there isn’t a single person on this planet that I’d pick over you.”

 

Lauri shakes his head, vehemently. There are tears clouding his vision now and he can distantly hear the flight attendant making that last call for passengers to board the plane before the gate closes. He cannot remember how to breathe. It’s like there’s no more air left.

 

“After all this time you…” Lauri cannot speak anymore, the words get stuck in his throat. He wipes the tears away with his sleeves. When he looks up at Enrique he can see his eyes glistening.

 

“I never stopped loving you, Lauri.” Enrique half shrugs, Lauri can see his hands are trembling though. “Even when I hated you. I could never figure out how. I tried but… you took my heart with you when you left that day.” His voice sounds a bit raspy.

 

Lauri cannot believe it but there’s a tiny laugh building in his throat, it comes out as a chuckle, timid and soft but it’s there. It’s something.  “You still say sappy shit like that…” It’s a start. “Maybe _you_ are the crazy one…?”

 

Enrique smiles “Maybe I am. But I mean it. Every word.” he reaches out and this time he does take Lauri’s hand “I don’t think it’s too late for us. We lost some time and we don’t get to go back and fix things before they break, we can’t change what happened but I- If there is the slightest chance of a future where you and me are an us again, if you still want me- If you think we stand a tiny chance, if you are willing to give us a shot…then say it, because I am here. And I can’t let you disappear again without at least trying. I know we aren’t the same people we used to be but- Because…those years happened. Those years- I still think it can work, though. I truly do. I _want_ to try.”

 

“You- you want us?“ Lauri can feel Enrique’s hand around his, can feel its warmth, its pressure, but he still has to look, has to check, that it’s not just his imagination. But it’s there, it’s really there. “…you want me? As your boyfriend? Even…even after all that happened? All I did? You still…?”

 

“Of course I want to!” Enrique says before Lauri is even done talking, he rushes forward, his hands finding Lauri’s face, gentle, barely there, almost like he’s afraid Lauri is going to break. “Of course I do. I never wanted to break it off. You left me. Not the other way round. You were always _it_ for me.”

 

Lauri lifts his hand up, slowly, he’s scared if he moves to quickly the moment will break and return him to reality. He cups one of Enrique’s hands, carefully.

 

A shaky breath leaves his lungs and his eyes find Enrique’s again.

 

“ _It_ ” Lauri echoes, tasting the word on his tongue, the meaning Enrique gives to it. “I…I don’t believe in ‘meant to be’, I don’t believe in fate, I…”

 

“I know you don’t.” Enrique cuts in quickly, his thumb gently brushing over Lauri’s cheek, wiping away a tear. “And I don’t believe either, Lauri. I _know_. I _know_ that I love you. And that’s enough for me. If we try, you and I, it can be enough. Even if there is no fate or meant to be. I love you. I love you so much and if a part of you still loves me too…”

 

“Fuck.” Lauri tries to blink the tears away. “More than just a part of me, idiot.”

 

Enrique laughs silently and Lauri can feel it on his face when Enrique rests his forehead against Lauri’s. For a moment they just stay like this, unmoving, touching, breathing. It feels so surreal, Lauri’s heart is beating so fast.

 

He’s so close. Enrique is so close it almost feels like too much, like not enough. His lips are right there, only a breath away. Lauri almost forgets that they are in the middle of a crowded airport. It feels like the rest of the world doesn’t exist. Lauri cannot believe a cheesy thought like that is his own. He doesn’t mind it as much as he thought he would.

 

“But Lauri,” Enrique whispers and he pulls back a little “...it’s gotta be different this time, yeah? We gotta try harder. The both of us. If we don’t have fate on our side, we have to make the effort ourselves. It’s just us. Please promise you’ll talk to me, when you get bad or just- Don’t shut me out. You have to trust me.” he licks his lips, giving Lauri a hesitant smile. “And I promise I will-“

 

“I promise!” this time it’s Lauri cutting Enrique off. He can’t get the words out fast enough. “I promise, Enrique. All of it. I swear-“

 

“And I…” Enrique pauses throwing a quick glance around. “I don’t want to be…I don’t want us to be a secret. Not again. I want to be out.” Lauri is already nodding but Enrique keeps on talking anyway. Maybe it’s because it’s important to him or maybe because he knows he has to say it now, say it _before_ , before the get involved in something without reading the small print first. There’s a lot of it.

 

 And Lauri knows it won’t be easy, none of it but how could he say no? How could he not say yes? It’s Enrique. And that’s all the arguments he needs. He’s thought about it so much, over the years, what he did, their mistakes, what could have been different. He’d wondered sometimes if things would have went differently if they’d told their friends about them, long before things went downhill.

 

Maybe Enrique would have he had somebody to talk to, when Lauri started getting bad. Maybe Maurice, maybe Paul, maybe it would have helped. But there’s no use in pondering maybe’s anymore. This is their maybe. This right now, the one in a million chance, the second shot.

 

“I understand if you aren’t comfortable with, I don’t know” Enrique continues “Making out like horny teenagers in public. And I’m not asking you to. I’m not, but…I want to tell my friends. When somebody asks if I’m single I want to be able to say ‘No, I have a boyfriend’. I need that, Lauri. I want to hold your hand, when we walk down the street. I don’t want us to be…hidden.”

 

Lauri can’t help but blush and he has to fight the urge to hide his face behind his hands. This is so ridiculous. How can this be real? How can this be happening, this be his life? He resists the urge to tell Enrique that he’d kiss him right here and right now in front of everyone if it meant the last hint of uncertainty vanishing from Enrique’s eyes. Lauri would do it, despite the underlying fear he never quite manage to shake off. He would and that’s just a little bit scary.

 

The good kind of scary though.

 

But he doesn’t kiss Enrique even though a part of him aches for it. Instead he just gives him a tiny nod, smiling timidly. Lauri can’t kiss him. Not now, not like this. He wants to do this right. And as things are now, it isn’t.

 

“You gotta…” Lauri plays with Enrique’s fingers in his, clearing his throat “You gotta break up with her. With Lori.  You gotta do it first. I... I don’t want to be ‘the other girl’.”

 

He looks up at Enrique, there’s a faint smile on his lips at Lauri’s joke but it’s obvious that Enrique knows Lauri is right, that it isn’t a joke. Enrique isn’t a cheater. And neither is Lauri.

 

“I can’t do it via phone.” Enrique says eventually, pressing his lips together, frowning slightly, like he does when he’s mulling a thought over in his head “I owe her that much. I have to do it in person.”

 

Lauri nods slowly because of course Enrique is right. Lori, whoever she is, she deserves better, better than a phone call or a text. She’s a good person, she has to be, for Enrique to feel that way about her.

 

“That won’t make it easier on her.” Lauri says silently. It’s true. It won’t. He doesn’t think there is anything that could make something like that easier. Not that Lauri is exceptionally good at the whole breaking up thing, but he knows that much. It will hurt. Even if she only cared about Enrique a little bit, it will hurt. Lauri doesn’t really want to think about it right now. About her. The pain he will cause her. He and Enrique. He doesn’t even know her and yet he feels a little bit sorry for her. And isn’t that crazy?

 

Lauri softly sighs and Enrique frowns a little.

 

“It’s just…” Lauri gives him a sad smile. “I know how it feels to lose you…”

 

“Lauri…” Enrique begins but there isn’t anything he can say to that. He’s said it himself. They don’t get to fix the past. What happened, happened. It’s part of them now. Their history.

 

“I’m sorry I couldn’t love you the way you deserved. The way I wanted to.” Lauri says after a moment of silence. He tries to make Enrique understand through his eyes, just how much he means it “I’ll do better this time. But Enrique…” he hates how dry his throat feels, how chapped his lips are “...I always did love you. Even when my fucked up brain couldn’t remember how love felt like. I loved you.” After a moment of hesitation he adds, quietly, timidly “I _love_ you. Please know that.”

 

Enrique smiles. He doesn’t say anything. And this time, Lauri doesn’t think it’s because he doesn’t find the right words or because there isn’t anything to say. It’s because he doesn’t have to. And that makes Lauri smile too.

 

This is not a happy ending. Lauri doesn’t want it to be. It doesn’t feel like that, because as Lauri looks at Enrique, he’s almost sure he was wrong before. Maybe this is not an end, not the epilogue of their story. Maybe, Lauri hopes, maybe it’s a beginning. The start of something good, something better. Maybe this was just the introduction. Looking into Enrique’s eyes makes it so easy to believe.

 

And Lauri wants to believe, he really does.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading this until the end.   
> This story took me a lot of time and my heart is in it. i hope you like it and appreciate it. if you do please tell me, because believe me, wihtout motivation and validation coming from comments this tory would have ended after maybe three chapters because I wouldn't have had the energy to continue.
> 
> So thank you.  
> Thanks of course to Chikabow and Succube who both helped me a lot wiht this and spent hours discussinf and editing it. I love you guys.

**Author's Note:**

> i hope you enjopyed this? maybe? :D
> 
> if you liked it please please tell me! And pleasse tell me what you liked about it.  
> Was there a line that you liked?  
> Was there something that made you angry?  
> What are you curious about happening in the next chapter?  
> Do you have any questions or do you just want to murder me?
> 
> Anyway thanks again to Chikabow for beta reading and in general putting up with my shit <3
> 
> I do not own any person(s) or brand(s) mentioned in this piece. This is a work of fiction and is meant to be read as such.


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